Explosions and Fireworks - Happy New Year!

I can hardly believe that another year is coming to an end.  I think I say that every year.  And just the same as the last, they continue to roll by, at an ever increasing speed...or so it seems.

So many things have happened.  The most life-changing for us has been introducing TTWD into our marriage.  It has only been 3 months, but it has made such a dramatic difference.  Oh, there have been some explosions.

  

There were times I felt like I was going to have to scrape the pieces of myself off of the ceiling and wondered if I'd ever find all of me.  I've wondered many times in this journey if I was losing myself. Don't get your panties in a wad or start sending e-mails.  That is not how we operate.  I still have an opinion.  Sometimes it just "feels" that I'm losing myself.   

Sometimes I felt like he was in a galaxy far far away.  Sorry for the Star Wars reference...my son LOVES it right now :) and didn't understand, and didn't get it.  He didn't get how this was supposed to work.  He didn't get how I felt...He didn't get me. 

Somehow through communication and love we would slowly begin inching toward one another again.  And when I finally looked up, as the smoke from our explosion began to clear...

What had come from that explosion was something beautiful. The explosions had always served to create more intimacy and closeness than before.  We are most definitely a work in progress, but we are communicating in a way I had never even thought was possible.  I never even knew communication on this level existed.  

I have begun to be more open and honest because it is what is best for us.  Though it's not usually what is best for my backside.  And John has started to step up and lead our family and make decisions that he never would have made otherwise.  I have seen his self-confidence grow.  I have realized the influence I have in our family and even in TTWD.  I have the ability with my words and actions to create a place of rest and comfort for my amazing husband and also for our children.  A place that is safe from the outside world.  A place of love and acceptance.  A place of security and intimacy.

A place where we can grow to become the people we want to be.  Where I can be what John deserves.  What are children deserve.  

This has been a crazy amazing journey and 2012 will be a year I will not likely forget.  I'll be reminded every time I sit down! Here's to a new year and new adventures in 2013!  May this year be full of love and joy for you all. 

 

Willie, this glass of submission wine is for you!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Stay-cation frustration

John and I have taken a few days after New Years off to just have some down time.  We aren't going anywhere.  We don't have any concrete plans other than to relax.  We will also be celebrating John's birthday next week (which is how I talked him into taking the extra couple days off).  

I have to admit I am a little nervous about spending this much time together.  I am saddened and confused by  this feeling.  I know it is because last weekend was...well it's easier to say what it wasn't.  It wasn't warm, it wasn't loving, it wasn't intimate or close.  I did find out that my brick laying skills are just as good as ever :)  I built a beautiful large castle complete with moat and snapping gators, as is true to form. 

 Willie recently wrote how being around family can make us return to our "old" roles.  Maybe that was my problem.  Maybe I just can't seem to get out of my own way.

.

Maybe I just need to let some things go.

So the walls were knocked down and we talked and came up with a few concrete goals that we could work toward.  And then...well let's just say I can feel the walls going up again.  I don't know how to stop it.  At the first sign (and it can be the smallest thing) of trouble, I start laying bricks again.  I am so afraid of getting hurt. I never thought of myself as being an insecure person and I really don't like it.  I was always self sufficient.  Perhaps my walls made me feel protected.  I was not one who was easily offended.  Maybe I just feel more vulnerable without the comfort and safety of the walls.  

So many things have changed.  Today is 3 months since we began TTWD.  So many things have changed!  I know in my head they are all for the better.  My heart is taking a little longer to catch up.  My heart is taking everything personally.  

As a few wise ladies have told me, there are no short-cuts in this.  Everything has to be worked through with love, patience, and communication.  

Merry Christmas...and blah!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!  

I hope you all have had a wonderful time with your friends and family over the last few days...and I hope that Santa brought you everything you deserved ")

This is the first time in a while that I've had a few minutes to sit down to write.  I have managed to keep up on my reading since I can do that from my phone.  It has been a source of comfort to know that the holidays are a crazy time for other DDer's as well.

I have tried to get this post up several times, but just don't really know what to say.  I feel bad that I have not posted in 2 weeks!  I'm sure you all understand...

We have been having a rough time over the past few weeks and I still cannot completely get it figured out in my head.  Don't worry!  We still love each other passionately, but I am not so sure that we are cut out for this lifestyle. Usually writing helps me to figure things out, but every time I sit down to write...nothing...I've got nothing!  

We talk.  We say, "we will start xyz...and that will help".  But then...nothing.  So then we talk again.  This time we say, "let's just chalk that up to a bad day for both of us".  Then...nothing.  From the amazing ladies I have talked to this is pretty common, but I'm not sure where that leaves us.  It doesn't help that I have been extra emotional lately.  Not sure if that is the holidays, the added stress they bring, being around family too much, or if I can blame it on PMS, but that is definitely not helping matters.  

I just feel kinda...blah where TTWD is concerned.  When I figure something out... I'll let you know!

Horrified

Horrified...Confused...Angry...Sad...Outraged...Sympathetic...

Frightened...Tearful

These are just a handful of the flood of emotions I have experienced today after learning of the unspeakable acts committed against the elementary school in CT.  I cannot, nor do I even want to try, to imagine the loss that the parents and loved ones are feeling right now.  All I could think of was to get home as quickly as possible and wrap my arms around my children.  My thoughts and prayers go out to those whose arms are empty tonight.

I focused today, probably because I am a mother on the loss a mother must feel, but this picture made me think of those men who swore to protect their families and the depth of the hurt that is in their hearts tonight.  I pray that they would somehow find peace.  

Brick Laying

I have been perfecting the art of brick laying.  In the past I would not build walls, I would lash out.  I was under the belief that the best defense was a good offense.  Since starting DD, lashing out gets me beaten black and blue is frowned upon.  So I have taken up brick laying in order to protect my behind.  It really is a pretty easy trade to learn and I have become pretty good at it.   

This last week has been wrought with "discussions".  Most of which ended in me erecting a fortress.  TTWD has uncovered yet another of my flaws.  (I'm starting to think of it a superhero...Da da da da!  TTWD!  To the rescue!  Saving women of all ages from themselves! Confronting all their demons and paddling them into submission!)  I assume the worst.  Not in all situations, but specifically regarding myself.  I jump to conclusions and they are never good, but end with me safe and sound in my castle with the draw bridge secured, moat filled and full of alligators.  Unfortunately, I am there alone, forcing John to swim the moat, slay the alligators and scale the wall to reach me.  

I like it in my castle.  It's safe and secure and no one can hurt me there.  My Love is not so fond of it.  Actually, he despises it.  He says that it's cold and dark and damp.  I suppose it's all a matter of perspective (though he may be on to something).  

So last night he said...I heard...and the brick laying began.  It was subtle at first, but he's getting better at recognizing when I pull out my trowel and mud.  

What's wrong?

Nothing.  I'm just tired. 

Are you sure?

Ya.  I'm fine. (Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!  I don't know why, but "I'm fine" is code for "I'm fine now cuz I'm already safe in my tower" and immediately gives me away)

Look at me.

I'm fine!

Look at me! (Grabbing my chin and tilting my head toward his)  I can see in you're eyes that you are NOT fine.  Are you shutting down on me?

No.  (I've already shut down!)  Don't judge me it wasn't a lie because technically I wasn't "shutting" down!

He talked for a while and brought me to a revelation of why I do it.  In the end it comes down to my need to protect myself...to make myself feel safe.  I know that this hurt him.  He should be the one to protect me, to protect my heart, to be my safe place. 
He blames himself for his inconsistency, though I disagree.  Many things have happened in my past that have led me to this occupation.  

He pulled me to himself and I cried into his chest and he comforted me and assured me that even in my vulnerability, I was in fact safe.  He was right.  I was safe and so was my heart.  He didn't run away screaming.  He held me tight and helped me strip away the callouses.  

I am scared.  I feel very exposed, but I know he is able to cover me and protect me.  I trust him.

It's Just Not Fair!

TTWD is hard!  After a long day at work, then coming home to make dinner, help with homework, clean the kitchen, do a load of laundry, run the vacuum...well you get the picture...the last thing I want to do is submit to my husband.  One of our rules is that I take care of him.  He is very understanding of the demands on my time, but he likes me to do little things for him like get his tea or lay out all his toiletries before bed.  I don't get in trouble if I am legitimately busy or exhausted, but could be punished if I am just being a brat.  

Sometimes I start to feel like TTWD just isn't fair. (I know, I know, but let me have my pity party for a minute!) I mean I'm the one who is doing all the changing!  I can no longer think for myself (this really isn't the case, but is part of the party I'm having).  I now need his permission for or advice on EVERYTHING! (every party needs drama, right?)  I get spanked for speaking my mind screaming my opinion (how unfair is that!)  Since implementing TTWD my pride and my posterior have been wounded.

So I've come to the conclusion that TTWD REALLY ISN'T FAIR!!

Don't start throwing stones just yet!  I'm not done.  

Over the last week we have been discussing a voluntary change in our lives.  This decision will impact every area of our lives, some for the better, some for the worse.  It will affect our financial situation pretty drastically and our family interactions as well.  While I have weighed in on  the decision, ultimately John will make the final decision.  This will be the first major decision that he will make as HOH.  In the past this is a decision that we would have discussed, but I would have done whatever I thought was best.  Now, post TTWD, I no longer carry the stress of this decision.  It really is a relief.  I trust his judgement completely.  I know that he only wants what is best for our family and whatever he decides I will be ok with.  It's such a new feeling for me...to trust him completely.  I know that he is fully engaged in our family.  (Not that he wasn't before, but I never allowed him to express it) 

But from his perspective I know the feelings he must be experiencing.  He is responsible for us.  He is responsible for making the decision that will so completely affect us all.  He carries us on his shoulders.  If the wrong decision is made it will have serious consequences.  Either decision could be potentially detrimental to our life.  That's a lot for a person to weigh out.  

THAT IS NOT FAIR! 

I was always taught that a marriage should be 50/50.  What I have learned is that is doesn't work for us.  In our marriage each person must give 100% to the role that they are in.  I don't know that those roles are divided equally.  John is responsible for everything including my personal development, our marriage, and our family dynamic. My contribution seems minuscule in comparison.  

IT DEFINITELY IS NOT FAIR!  But I'll take that trade any day :D

Is there a Doctor in the house?

There is something SERIOUSLY wrong with my brain!  And I need a referral to a brain surgeon S.T.A.T.  Or maybe I just need an oral surgeon...to remove my tongue!

Let me explain.  There are some things that I don't do didn't used to do, even before TTWD.  For instance I NEVER didn't used to swear at My Love.  Now, I may have swore while having a conversation with him, but I didn't swear at him...there is a difference.  But for some undiagnosed reason (yea, yea, yea  I know that stupidity isn't a recognized disease, but I'm working on getting that changed) I chose now ,after implementing TTWD to start.  I chose the time in our marriage that he has all rights to beat my a** black and blue a nice shade of red!  

My Love has a tendency to tell me that I "must have said it in my head" when he hasn't heard something (ok so sometimes I had the conversation with someone else, but usually it's because he's old and therefore going deaf  he's busy with something else).  So on this occasion when he said it I replied,"F*ck you! And don't even start with the 'I said it in my head sh*t!' I don't want to hear it!"  Well let's just say that I was really wishing he was deaf at that moment!  He wasn't deaf and the look I got was enough to know I was not gonna be a happy girl...

So why now? Why does it seem that I'm having worse outbursts than I had before TTWD?  I really didn't intend to do it. It seems as though something in my brain just malfunctioned... Thus my desperate need for a doctor!  Any referrals?

2 down...

It has been 2 months since My Love and I began our TTWD journey.  I can't believe it's been 2 months already...I can't believe it's only been 2 months!  It seems like we've been working at this forever.  We have learned so much, yet we still feel like we are fumbling around in the dark some days.  I have spent hours (and I mean hours!) researching TTWD and reading blogs and though that information has been helpful the saying "there is no teacher like experience" seems to be more than appropriate.  

I have really enjoyed watching John grow in his confidence.  He is able to make decisions and then let me know what we're doing.  He has managed to do it and still make me feel important and valued.  "You have led this family for 13 years with very little input from me, so of course I value your opinion!"  What's a girl to say to that!  And if you've been reading along you know that I was afraid of losing myself, of losing my voice in this journey. He knows that I have a strong sense of justice and struggle when I feel something isn't fair.  He always takes this into consideration before making a decision.  He takes time to explain his decision to me so that even if I don't agree, I understand.  

He is so attentive and knows me much better than I thought.  All the years I thought he wasn't paying attention...he was.  He really is an incredible man.  He is so attentive to me and knows exactly what I need.  

I can't believe how much closer this has made us.  Our communication has gotten so much better.  We talk every night.  We discuss the things we like and the things that bug us.  We are honest!  Honesty...who'd have thought that would work!  TTWD has given me a safety to talk to him and for him to talk to me.  Truthfully I think it has given him the freedom to talk without fear of what I would say or do.  He is free to express himself knowing that I will respect his opinion.  It's an amazing thing!
I didn't realize how little respect I showed him.  How little I valued his opinion and thoughts.  It's a little disheartening.
But all that is changing.  I have so much respect for him.  So much confidence in his ability to lead us.  He amazes me everyday!  

I love you John!  And I can't wait to see where you lead us to next...

Pocahontas

Because Google+ is stubborn and refuses to accept my name as My Love's beautiful lady, I have change my name on my account.  Hopefully this will not be too confusing and hopefully Google will accept it.  No one may even really notice...I'm not really sure how it works.

Anyway, I thought I give a short explanation of my new name choice.  It was chosen by My Love (John Smith now lol!)  As was beautiful lady (I hate that name, but whatever!)  I do not accept compliments well but beautiful lady is what My Love calls me.  My Love suggested that I change it to just beautiful lady...Ya I don't think so!  And because he is sympathetic to my feelings, he relented and chose this instead...God I love him! 

Anyway...I'm rambling.  I have a significant amount of Native American Indian blood from both my mother's and father's side of my family.  My Love (John...he he) is German and Irish.  In other words I'm dark and he's light :D And though John Smith and Pocahontas never really met in real life the Disney version is an epic love story (we have already been separated and reunited now writing our own story).  

Thanks for your understanding while I figure out how this all works :)

I'd Rather Have the Punishment

I hate waiting!  It is definitely not one of my strong points and waiting for punishment is even worse.  I try my best to push it out of my mind, but eventually it surfaces and it isn't very pretty to witness.

I am one of those crazy Black Friday (well now it's starting on Thursday, but that's another issue) shoppers.  I have been doing it since I was a child.  My mom used to let me go with her.  We had some of the best times.  The last several years My Love has went with me.  We make an event out of it.  Usually his mom watches our kids and we shop til we drop (most times literally)!  This year, though, he had to work and couldn't go with me.  It wasn't his fault (well maybe a little since I told asked him to put in for the day off, but he didn't listen to me).  I was disappointed, but made other arrangements to go with my mother-in-law.  We had a blast and I fell into bed at around 4am.  I woke up at 6:30am and could not sleep.  I tossed and turned... I text My Love for a bit and then he said I needed to go to sleep. 

Well I don't know if it was lack of sleep or that I knew he would be working 12 hours that day, but I said, "I am a big girl and don't need you to tell me when to go to sleep!"  I mean who does he think he is! 

Then I got this, "Well since you are a big girl and can make your own decisions, if you fall asleep on me tonight and can't spend time with me you will be spanked." 

"What that's not fair!  It's not my fault that I can't sleep!"  I mean come on!  Really?  It's not like I wanted to be awake after only having 2 1/2 hours of sleep.

Well I'm sure you can guess what happened.  He went up to shower and I fell asleep on the couch.  I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and I had tried.  He woke me up and wasn't too happy with me.  Oops!  We went to bed, but apparently he was too tired for punishment so it got put off. 

The next morning I woke up in a mood.  You know the kind I'm talking about.  The just stay out of my way and don't irritate me kind of mood.  Well My Love had "plans" for the morning that I was not exactly up for.  However, since our sex life is an area that he has been given control, he got his way. 

We were up and heading off to the grocery store.  I felt the need, while waiting at the door, to remind him how much quicker I could do this ALONE!  Now while it is true that I can be in and out of the grocery much faster if I am alone, now was probably not the best time to mention it! (I know!  I know! But like I said, I was in a mood!) 

Later, after we got back home, we were installing our new TV (the kids were away for the night).  I got an attitude.  He gave the look and I barked "Well I'm already in trouble so what the F**K do I care!"  He let it go.  I can't believe he let it go.  I still can't believe he let it go.  He never should have let that go. 

The waiting...the suspense... the dark cloud...it was just to much and I snapped.  I don't know what it is about a looming punishment that makes me crazy.  We finished setting up the TV and at about 11pm I announced that I was going to bed.  I just wanted to get this over with!

We climb into bed and just lay there.  Nothing is said, we just lay there.  I can feel my heart beating so fast that I think it's trying to pound it's way out.  Finally I break the silence.  I tell him I can't take this.  That the stress of waiting is killing me.   I come to the realization that my mood is a result of the delayed punishment.  He apologizes for putting it off.  He says that my outburst earlier let him know that he had waited to long and that he was not going to punish me now.  WHAT!  All of this stress and now NOTHING?!  I don't understand.  I am angry.  I am relieved.  I really don't know what I am, but calm and peaceful and restored is not it. 

So now even in the light of day, I still don't have anymore clarity about it than  I did last night.  I don't enjoy being spanked for punishment at all, but I also don't like not knowing what to expect.  I don't enjoy stressing and then having no resolution.  I think I would have rather taken the punishment :(

Come Out of the Closet? Or Stay in Hiding?

I talk to my sister every day.  Sometimes several times a day.  We talk about everything from shoes to hairstyles to raising our kids.  We share everything, our stupid thoughts, the funny things our kids managed to come up with today, and the annoying thing our husband did/didn't do.  Until now.  Until Dd.  Now I find myself being measured and calculating in every conversation.  Can I say that?  Is that too much?  Can I expalin that without giving away too much information?  I knew going into this lifestyle that it would be lonely and that I wouldn't be able to talk about it, but I didn't realize how hard it would be, especially with those closest to me.

My sister and I have always talked about relationships.  In the past when My Love and I were having an argument or he was just being a pain, I would call my sister to unload on her all of my frustrations and she has always done the same.  We would scream, we would cry, and ultimately we would laugh and resolve that men just don't get it! 

Now I have much more respect for My Love and don't want to "man bash" him anymore (sometimes I give in to old habits...shhh!).  When she shares with me things that are happening in her marriage I try to listen and give advice, but things have changed.  I cannot be completely open with her.  When My Love and I are having issues regarding Dd, I struggle to talk to her because there are so many things I can't say.  There is now a LARGE part of my life I don't share with her.  While Dd isn't the only thing going on in our lives it is by far the greatest change and challenge.  Though it is a tool, while we are working out all of the details, it consumes much of my thought life and online activities. 

I know this is a common problem for couples practicing Dd.  So my question is how do you deal with it?  Do you share with those closest to you?  Or do you remain in hiding?  Whether you are currently facing the same problem or have figured out how to navigate it, I'd like to hear your thoughts. 

My new "normal"

I have been working alot more than I'd like to be lately.  I used to be a stay at home mom and about 2 years ago I started working VERY part time for my families business.  Well I am now working 4-5 days a week and that on top of the holidays approaching and just trying to keep our home running smoothly, I am exhausted.  I really don't know how working moms do it all.  I am finding myself really struggling to keep all of the balls in the air and it seems like they are starting to fall :( 

I have been just taking it in stride though, just pushing through each day with a pretty good attitude...Ok maybe not such a great attitude...ok it's really sucked!  Unfortunately that attitude has landed me in trouble with My Love.

It started on Thursday and carried over into Friday.  My Love cut me some slack on Thursday because emotionally I had just had a really bad day.  (In hind sight maybe he should've just spanked the bad mood out of me, but he was trying to be sensitive).  I felt like all of my "balls" were dropping and dropping fast.  TTWD has created an emotional adventure, but for now that was not the source of my frustration.  Until I started texting My Love.  He was not happy with the way things had been going and he felt that I wanted out.  He said that I am going back and forth so much that he's been treading very lightly because he feared my reaction if he pushed too hard.  After much discussion, we both decided (again) that this is something that we really wanted and he said that the only way we would be happy would be to "do this for real". 

Well I wish that would have been enough for me.  Apparently I feel the need to see if he really means what he says...He does! (Note to self!)

So as I was saying, my attitude just wasn't what it should be and I had been a tiny bit disrespectful (ok maybe a tiny bit more than that!)  But at some point I had crossed the line.  My Love went into his silent mode, which is never good (and by the way, never solves anything, and usually causes me to spiral so really this whole thing was his fault).  Finally I gave up and said that I was going to bed.

My Love came in, climbed onto the bed and grabbed my phone out of my hand and then grabbed my other hand and started to pull me toward him.  At this point I was already steaming.  My Love had not spoken to me other than to tell me just to move on and stop trying to talk to him.  I knew that I had been disrespectful, but I don't deal with the silent treatment very well.  I was angry that he hadn't just put an end to it and instead decided to shut down.  I grabbed my phone and jerked my hand out of his and told him to just leave me alone and go to bed.  He got frustrated and left. 

When he finally came back to bed I asked him to please not leave things like that between us.  He agreed and then he pulled me to him.  We laid there together for a while.  Suddenly he sat up, pulled me over his lap, pulled down my sweats and began spanking with his hand.  Currently this is the only way My Love spanks me.  He has two reasons: 1) It allows him to know how hard he is spanking.  He feels he has more control and with us just beginning he does not want to be too harsh. 2) He feels it allows him to be more connected to the punishment/forgiveness aspect of the spanking.  When he finished he laid down and I laid my head on his stomach.  He then pushed my head down onto him and made me suck on him for a little bit.  I crawled back up and put my head on his chest and told him I was really sorry and that he hadn't deserved my disrespect earlier or my refusal of punishment.  He asked if I was still feeling guilty...I should've said NO!  I have learned my lesson and from now on my answer to that question is NO!  I mean come on how stupid can I possibly be?  I shrugged my shoulders and said "I don't know..."

He pulled over him once again and continued my spanking.  As I laid across him I began to cry.  Sob really and it wasn't very pretty.  When he finished he pulled on top of him and I laid on him and cried as he held me, telling me it was ok, that we were ok.

Then he lifted me up and onto him and we did what we do best.  We may not always agree.  We may not always communicate effectively.  We may not always be on the same page.  Our personalities may collide.  But this is the one thing we do well together.  It's the one thing that comes easy for us.  I don't know if we'll always f*ck (sorry, but that's what we call it...My Love says we don't make love...we f*ck) after punishment, but I hope so.  It is the thing that has always connected us.  It lets me know that things are ok between us or that they will be.  It's a kind of security blanket.  One of the things that hasn't changed (too much anyway) since beginning TTWD. 

Afterward I felt at peace.  I felt like the wall I had been constructing in anger and disappointment in myself  and in My Love was gone.  As we laid there just being together I didn't feel like there was anything between us.  Nothing separating us.  It was just us.  I still don't understand why or how that happened.  How a spanking can "cure" us, but somehow it did.  I almost feel bad, like there is something wrong with me for feeling that way.  I don't know, maybe it's just my need for "normal".  All I know is it's working.  And for now that's good enough!

My HOH?...Yes My HOH!

I am a creature of habit.  I have a schedule and I like to stick as closely to that schedule as humanly possible.  I do not deal well with change, especially last minute changes.  So when I got a text yesterday that basically changed My Love's work schedule for the next month I was less than enthusiastic.  But when I got another one today that affected a long standing tradition, I started to have a little attitude (ok so maybe I had a full on toddler-inspired temper tantrum) about it.  Lucky for me it was all via text so My Love was not privy to my little lapse in maturity.  Sometimes I love the veil that texting provides.  It allows me to read what I have written before I send it. Unlike in person when my mouth has a tendency to fly away without my brain. 

The next several weeks are going to be difficult.  My Love will be working ALOT!  I miss him when he works so much and so do our kids. 

I am SO proud of him though.  He works very hard and that's why he is so great at his job.  He is trusted because he is trustworthy.  He takes pride in his work and makes sure that it's done right.  He is a man of character and integrity and I respect him so much for it.  So while I am disappointed that he will not be around much, I understand that he wouldn't be the man I love and adore if he did anything different.  I could not possibly ask for a better husband, father, provider...HOH.

HOH...that is what he has become.  My HOH!  He makes the decisions that may not always be popular, but are ultimately in the best interest of our family.  He does not enjoy being away from us so much, but he makes the sacrifice because it is what is best.  I would have made a different decision.  One based on my emotions.  My Love amazes me!  I can't believe the man he is revealing to us.  I say revealing because I believe this is who he really is and it has been suppressed because I would not allow it to show. 

I have gained a new appreciation for his position as HOH, for the responsibility that goes along with the position.  I do not envy it at all.  Thank you My Love!  I love you more than I could ever express.  I hope that as we grow in our new relationship dynamic that somehow you will see the depth of my love and devotion to you.

Don't Make Me Repeat Myself

So apparently when I feel very strongly about something and desperately want to be heard I repeat myself!  Or so I've been told....  And that is why My Love interrupted me.  That did NOT make me very happy! 

Maybe I should back up a bit and tell you that I have been really struggling with TTWD.  BIG surprise, right?  I used to make all the decisions.  I would allow My Love to give his two cents, but ultimately it was my decision.  In TTWD that is not the case!  It's actually reversed nowe and I have been having a hard time accepting the fact that my opinion doesn't have the same weight it used to.

So when I was interrupted I kinda, mighta, sorta went into melt down mode.  More like meltdown/shutdown mode.  He interrupted me trying to make a point I felt was really important and I very calmly listened to his point of view and we had an amazing conversation about it...Ok well that's probably how I should have reacted.  Instead I crossed my arms across my chest and made a not so subtle HMPH!  He repeated back to me what I had been saying and tried to explain that I was repeating myself and he didn't want the conversation to escalate.  He also wanted me to know that he understood what I was saying.  ...    ....   ....   ....   ....crickets....   ....    ....   ...crickets....   ....

You were repeating yourself and I just wanted you to know that I heard you.

Oh!  So it's ok for YOU to repeat YOURSELF, but not me!  I see!

In  hindsight that might not have been the best thing to say.  My Love still struggles with how to handle me in these types of situations.  I think he is afraid of my reaction if he were to punish me for an outburst like that, so he did nothing. 

We have both been extremely tired lately and so I ended up falling asleep on the couch.  My Love woke me up when he was ready to go to bed.  Unfortunately for me my pride had not healed itself while I napped and I was still sulking and wounded.  We went to bed and I rolled over to my side of our bed instead of cuddling up with him.  I began to cry silently for a number of reasons and My Love sensing my distress told me to come and lay by him.  I reassured him that I was fine.  He repeated his "request".  Again I told him that I was fine.  Fine is not particularly the word My Love ever wants to hear.  In the past that was my word that signaled that I had had enough and was shutting down now.  I am now being hauled abruptly across the bed and into his arms where I put on my bravest face and try to dry my tears.  My Love reassures me and coaxes me to tell him what is bothering me.  I don't even know!  I love TTWD!  I love the communication and love and trust it is fostering in our relationship.  I HATE TTWD!  I hate that I have lost control.  I am afraid...I am afraid of being punished unfairly (though I've actually only been punished once and it was at my request as a cleansing).  I am afraid of not having a voice in our relationship and how we raise our children and the decisions for our family.  I'm afraid!  OK!  I finally said it.  I'm scared to death to be completely honest.  I'm afraid I can't do this.  That I'm just not cut out for it and that we will lose everything we have already gained from it :(

I told him that I felt like a wild horse that someone was desperately trying to tame, but just couldn't/wouldn't be broken.  Like he was trying to trap me in a cage.  Like I was going to lose me in this process.  Like I didn't know what would be left of me in the end of all of this.  Now I know that the way things have been in the past was destructive and that it wasn't good for either of us, but it's what I know and was comfortable with.  I hate even saying that because it sounds really bad.  He listened and just held me as I began to cry.  He asked if I wanted to quit TTWD.  If I would rather lay there with him and work through our problems together or go back to my side of the bed and cry alone?  Because without TTWD that's where I would be...on the other side all alone and he would be completely oblivious to my needs, wants, and feelings about things.

It was what I needed.  I needed My Love to just love me and understand my struggle.  Did I deserve a spanking for it?  Absolutely!  Would it have incited WWIII?  I can't really answer that.  I know that the day will come when he will push for punishment and I will be in rare form and I'd like to say that I will behave with the utmost respect and honor, but I fear that will not be the case.  But until then I will be grateful for his care and love!

Love Our Lurkers 2012

Today I celebrate You!  Those of you who read my crazy ramblings.  Those of you who take time out of your busy life to read about mine.  Thank you!

Until very recently I was a lurker.  I read as many blogs on the subject of DD/TTWD as I could find.  It started as curiosity and became so much more.  I had discovered a desire deep inside me that I hadn't realized even existed.  Looking back, it was always there.  I just hadn't ever really expressed it (who am I kidding...it never saw the light of day).  So I lurked and I learned and even though I was silent I began to find comfort in the words of the men and women who were brave enough to bare their souls (and there bottoms)!

So today I am asking you to take a huge flying leap of faith and step out of the darkness and just say hi.  Let me know who you are(doesn't have to be your real name), where you're from, and just a little about your story.  I haven't been blogging for very long and was completely surprised that anyone would even read it.  I actually started it as a journal just as a way to work out everything I was feeling.   One of my hopes was to connect with other people in a similar lifestyle with whom I could "talk" to.

I encourage you to leave a small comment on all the blogs you lurk.  Don't be afraid!  You can do it!  Just a short comment.  You just might make a new friend.  Don't stay in the shadows anymore...come on...just a quick peek...

Back-peddling

The alarm is going off.

Don't you have to get up soon?

Ya, in a few minutes.

I begin to rub his back trying to gently coax him back into consciousness.  I rub his shoulders, his arms, his chest, his legs, his bottom.  The alarm goes off again and sit up onto the edge of the bed.  I am so filled with love and adoration for this man.  So I slide out of bed onto the floor naked and I kneel before him and begin kissing his feet.  He stands and starts to leave.

You're really making it difficult for me to leave...I really want to...

And then he walks back toward me, grabs the back of my neck and thrusts himself into my mouth.  I love these moments.  I feel completely submissive to him. He pulls me to my feet, walks around behind me and bends me over the bed.  He takes what he needs from me and I love every minute of it.  Afterward I am back to kissing his feet, mesmerized by My Love.

Fast forward several hours.  He has gone to work and I am up and getting the children ready for school.  We were discussing, via text, the morning.  Then out of nowhere.

You know, you really have been getting off easy!  I haven't even punished you for half of the things I said I would.  Waaaaa!  What has just happened?  We just went from an amazing, intimate morning to punishment talk.

So I respond with the most intelligent response I can muster...Huh?  Yep!  That was it.  That was my big, grandiose response...Huh?

He explained that the struggles we have been having are due to his lack of leadership and follow through and that was no longer going to be an issue.

 Uh-huh...(as you can see my vocabulary was wildly expansive)

I now start regaining my vocabulary and I start back peddling just as fast as my tongue (well fingers as we were still texting) would allow me.  I said I knew that this whole thing was my idea, but I'm just a stupid woman...what do I know anyway?  I'm no marriage counselor!  He wasn't buying any of it.  That did not stop me from peddling away.  I gave every reason I could think of that this would not work and how beating me senseless didn't seem like a sane way of making us both better people, better parents, better partners.

Now don't get me wrong, I have not enjoyed the tifts that have occurred lately, but My Love's new resolve has me a bit worried to say the least. Hopefully I can mind my P's and Q's and stay out of trouble :)

One lucky girl!

Due to the Frankenstorm (Sandy) our kids were home from school on Tuesday and Wednesday so the Halloween party was rescheduled for today.  I was called last month and asked if I could work this party because they didn't have enough parents signed up.  I agreed, but unfortunately the "contribution" needed was an activity or craft.  As a mom of 4 you'd think I'd be better at this stuff, BUT I'M NOT!  This is where my SuperMom cape sags a bit.  My idea of craft/art time is "Here's some paint and some paper...have fun!"  So I knew my task and I set out to scour Google to find something to do with a group of 8 yr olds.  I found science experiments that can be done with Halloween candy. Sounded pretty interesting. So today was D day!  Would they love it or would they hate it?  They LOVED it and I was even asked to come back to all the parties!  My daughter thought I was amazing and kept telling me how glad she was I was able to be at her party...it just doesn't get much better than that! 

I am truly a blessed woman!  I have the most amazing HOH who loves me unconditionally.  He is my strength and stability.  I can be...let's say passionate...ya I like that word...passionate.  He might say high strung, stubborn, opinionated...well you get it.  (Can't you see why I wanted to be a submissive wife? hehe)He allows me to just be me, but safe.  He is a great father who coaches little league and flag football for our son.  He plays in the floor and sometimes I even find him laying on the bed in one of the kids' rooms just hanging out (those are some of my favorite moments).  He works very hard every day to provide for us.  He allowed me to be a stay at home mom for 10 yrs!  He's more than I could ever have dreamed to ask for in a man, in a leader, in a lover, in a friend. 

He didn't judge me when I asked him to become HOH and enter a Dd/Dh/TTWD lifestyle.  He has been amazing.  I am constantly amazed at what an incredible man he is.  I think I see it more now that I'm not hovering all the time.  He really is capable of making his own decisions and the decisions for our family.  I don't mean that condescending, but I guess I just always thought I could do it...better?  I never really thought of it like that, but I think in hindsight that's exactly what it was.  He stayed.  Maybe that's the greatest miracle of all.  When I was pregnant at 17...he stayed.  When I wouldn't have sex with him for months at a time...he stayed.  When I made mistakes...he stayed.  He stayed...he always stayed.  And for that alone I will forever stand in admiration of My Love.

Guess this ended up being a little more sappy and sentimental than I had intended, but it's obviously where my heart is today.  Can't wait to spend the weekend with my family! 

Storms

It has been a crazy couple of days here.  Hurricane Sandy is in full force.  We were without power for a while, but we are now warm and cozy once again. 

Like the storm that rages outside, one rages inside as well.  Though at the core I know all is well, the rifts on the surface are beginning to wear on me and My Love as well.  I am experiencing a myriad of emotions and from one moment to the next don't know which will show itself.  I have always been an emotional and passionate person.  I feel as though I have been blindfolded and strapped onto a roller coaster.  I am unable to prepare for the twist, turn, or loop until its happening and then when it all finally stops and all is quiet I'm left confused and dizzy and sick to my stomach. 

My Love and I are both have a lot going on which makes dealing with the issues of DD difficult to say the least.  We are both still very much committed to making it work especially since seeing the initial benefits.  Secretly I fear I don't have what it takes to make this journey.  I am strong, stubborn, opinionated, and driven.  I fear that if My Love ever decides to actually spank for every spankable offense I committ I will never be able to sit down.  Maybe that's part of the problem.  I fear that He's not 100% committed.  In our attempt to make this grand exchange I fear what will happen if I let go of everything and no one is there to pick it up.  I feel very...unsettled.  Like my whole world is a snow globe that some sticky-fingered kid has picked up and skaken.  Everything is a mess.  The funny thing is that you'd never know anything was wrong from the look on the child's face.  The face spliiting grin and the joyous laughter that now fill the air.  While my world seems it doesn't quite fit yet I still walk around with that same stupid grin and joyous laughter because even with all its challenges I really am happier.

I know that it will take time to settle into our new roles.  The truth is that after everything stops spinning and the urge to vomit has passed, I'm the one yelling "That was AWESOME!" 

Triggers

Why is it that sometimes it's the little things that set you off?  I have a bit of a temper and more often that I'd like to admit I let it get the better of me.  I also have a flare for the dramatic.  No, I don't throw things or hit, but I can make a mountain out of a mole hill.  As I've mentioned I've always had a "my way or the highway" mindset.  As such, I tend to like things done the way I want them done and in the time frame that I want them done in and when that doesn't happen I get upset.  It's always worked for me, or so I thought.  We have 4 children and getting things done has always been my business.  Getting everyone up and ready for school, getting everyone's lunches, homework, etc...you get the point...  I never tolerated lolly gagging in our children or my husband.  Now I find myself in an impossible situation.  My husband manages to get himself up for work everyday of the week.  He is on time everyday.  But on Sunday when it's time to get up and get ready for church he lolly gags.  It takes him forever to even get out of bed.  Once he's finally up he moves to the couch.  Eventually he goes to the kitchen for breakfast.  Anyway my point is it takes FOREVER and it drives me CRAZY!  I have 4 kids and I don't need another.  I tried talking about how frustrated I was and his response was "I'll take care of it".  What exactly does that mean?  We've been married for 13 yrs and it's always been a fight, so forgive me when I'd like a little more reassurance.  I know that's not the point of this lifestyle.  I know that I've got to let him do things on his own, but old habits die hard!  My fears are not illegitimate though.  What if he doesn't "take care of it"?  What if we're late every Sunday for the rest of our lives?  I know that being late isn't the end of the world.  I know there are worse things to be.  But it is one of those little things that just eats at me.  I can tell myself that I'm not going to care that it's not going to bother me over and over again, reciting it to myself.  Then all of a sudden IT BOTHERS ME!  My insides are screaming and most of the time so are my outsides.  How do I keep our family moving smoothly without being disrespectful to My Love?  Because unfortunately that's exactly what ends up happening...I become disrespectful and start treating him like one of the children.  He doesn't really know what to do in that moment and I am in no way inclined to cut him any slack.  Now that it's over I do feel bad.  I know that he's trying and we're both in unfamiliar territory.  He's afraid of my reaction so he behaves passive aggressively instead of just dealing with it straight on.  I know what will have to happen and I'm really not looking forward to it.

Speed Bumps

In every new relationship there are those moments when you experience speed bumps.  Speed bumps are really annoying and can be painful especially when you're in a hurry.  I thought these moments were behind us for the most part.  We've known each other most of our lives and have been married long enough to have adjusted to each other's tendancies.  And then enter DD.  We really have seemed to be driving along nicely and then we happened upon a nice little speed bump.  You've got to love speed bumps.  The truth is it's the speed bumps that allow us to slow down, sometimes back up a little, and reevaluate.  Yesterday we hit one of those.  You see, My Love says that we have a great relationship and there are certain things that make it unique and he wants to make sure that those things are preserved in our new dynamic.  One of those things is our playfulness and my sense of humor.  I have a very sarcastic sense of humor.  To the outsider it can seem abrasive at times, but it's our way and it works for us.  We were having one of our playful moments via text and then My Love sent this..."Alright that's enough name calling!"  I was a little confused because we were playing and I thought maybe he was just joking.  So me being me responded with another sarcastic comment.  To which he replied, "Do you really want to keep pushing it?"  Woah!  Where did that come from?  I was so confused...I thought he liked me being playful and silly.  I thought he liked my sense of humor.  I thought as long as I wasn't being disrespectful it was ok.  And I wasnt' being disrespectful!  So what happened?  I tried to find out, but it didn't go well and My Love said we would discuss it when he got home.  That was like 2 hours away.  So what did I do with my time?  I stewed.  When My Love finally got home and we had a minute to talk he admitted that he was "power tripping" (his words, not mine).  That he had wanted to discuss something important and really only wanted to change topic.  Well as you can imagine that did not sit well with me.  About a week into DD I confessed that I was unsettled with how vulnerable I felt.  It scared me and I asked him to please not abuse my trust in him.  And that is exactly what happened.  I felt betrayed.  I felt abused.  I was surprised at how much it hurt me.  When I looked up I saw his distress.  My Love, strong and dominant, was in distress.  He told me he would understand if I couldn't trust him anymore and if I wanted to end the DD aspect of our relationship.  Before DD I probably would have completely shut down, pouted, and vowed to make him pay for his mistake.  Mistake...that is exactly what it was...a mistake.  I have made them.  I have made alot of them in our relationship and have always been forgiven completely.  I have made them since beginning DD.  I had a choice.  Behave like I always had in the past or embrace my submissive side and forgive him and move forward.  I chose to forgive him.  He never meant to hurt me or take advantage of his position.  Today he told me that he was setting boundaries for himself (something he says he should have done in the beginning) to make sure that it doesn't happen again.  I love him SO much!  I love that he was willing to admit his shortcomings.  I love that he wants me to be safe and happy and trusting.  I love him!  He is and always will be My Love.

We hit a speed bump.  It made us slow down and it made us both safer to move forward,  Isn't that what they're for?

This is me...

I have been married to the most amazing man for over 13 years.  I have known him since I was in middle school where we "dated" for the first time.  He is the only man I have ever loved.  We have 4 great kids who keep us incredibly busy. 

Recently, I approached my DH with the concept of a Domestic Discipline(DD) type relationship and after some assurance from me that this is what I really wanted, he agreed!  We have only been in this for about 3 weeks.  We have had ups and downs as we are adusting to our new roles, but have already seen alot of good changes in our relationship.  You see I have always lead.  I grew up with a "my way or the highway" mentality and didn't leave much room for compromise.  Needless to say this wasn't the best formula for a strong marriage.  Please don't misunderstand me, we did not enter into this to save our dying marriage.  Actually, it's quite the opposite.  Our marriage was good because we have both worked incredibly hard to make it healthy despite all that we have put it through.  We've both made mistakes, but at the end of it all we'd rather be together than apart.  DD is just a tool (one that encompasses our whole life, but a tool nonetheless) we use to make our marriage work better.  It's not for everyone, but sofar it's working for us.  I just told My Love today that DD has allowed me to be who I really am.  Even in the crazy business of our life it gives me a peace and joy I never had before. 

So this is us.  I hope to meet some new people.  Maybe make a few friends and hopefully get lots of advice.