Sunday, November 25, 2012

I'd Rather Have the Punishment

I hate waiting!  It is definitely not one of my strong points and waiting for punishment is even worse.  I try my best to push it out of my mind, but eventually it surfaces and it isn't very pretty to witness.

I am one of those crazy Black Friday (well now it's starting on Thursday, but that's another issue) shoppers.  I have been doing it since I was a child.  My mom used to let me go with her.  We had some of the best times.  The last several years My Love has went with me.  We make an event out of it.  Usually his mom watches our kids and we shop til we drop (most times literally)!  This year, though, he had to work and couldn't go with me.  It wasn't his fault (well maybe a little since I told asked him to put in for the day off, but he didn't listen to me).  I was disappointed, but made other arrangements to go with my mother-in-law.  We had a blast and I fell into bed at around 4am.  I woke up at 6:30am and could not sleep.  I tossed and turned... I text My Love for a bit and then he said I needed to go to sleep. 

Well I don't know if it was lack of sleep or that I knew he would be working 12 hours that day, but I said, "I am a big girl and don't need you to tell me when to go to sleep!"  I mean who does he think he is! 

Then I got this, "Well since you are a big girl and can make your own decisions, if you fall asleep on me tonight and can't spend time with me you will be spanked." 

"What that's not fair!  It's not my fault that I can't sleep!"  I mean come on!  Really?  It's not like I wanted to be awake after only having 2 1/2 hours of sleep.

Well I'm sure you can guess what happened.  He went up to shower and I fell asleep on the couch.  I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and I had tried.  He woke me up and wasn't too happy with me.  Oops!  We went to bed, but apparently he was too tired for punishment so it got put off. 

The next morning I woke up in a mood.  You know the kind I'm talking about.  The just stay out of my way and don't irritate me kind of mood.  Well My Love had "plans" for the morning that I was not exactly up for.  However, since our sex life is an area that he has been given control, he got his way. 

We were up and heading off to the grocery store.  I felt the need, while waiting at the door, to remind him how much quicker I could do this ALONE!  Now while it is true that I can be in and out of the grocery much faster if I am alone, now was probably not the best time to mention it! (I know!  I know! But like I said, I was in a mood!) 

Later, after we got back home, we were installing our new TV (the kids were away for the night).  I got an attitude.  He gave the look and I barked "Well I'm already in trouble so what the F**K do I care!"  He let it go.  I can't believe he let it go.  I still can't believe he let it go.  He never should have let that go. 

The waiting...the suspense... the dark cloud...it was just to much and I snapped.  I don't know what it is about a looming punishment that makes me crazy.  We finished setting up the TV and at about 11pm I announced that I was going to bed.  I just wanted to get this over with!

We climb into bed and just lay there.  Nothing is said, we just lay there.  I can feel my heart beating so fast that I think it's trying to pound it's way out.  Finally I break the silence.  I tell him I can't take this.  That the stress of waiting is killing me.   I come to the realization that my mood is a result of the delayed punishment.  He apologizes for putting it off.  He says that my outburst earlier let him know that he had waited to long and that he was not going to punish me now.  WHAT!  All of this stress and now NOTHING?!  I don't understand.  I am angry.  I am relieved.  I really don't know what I am, but calm and peaceful and restored is not it. 

So now even in the light of day, I still don't have anymore clarity about it than  I did last night.  I don't enjoy being spanked for punishment at all, but I also don't like not knowing what to expect.  I don't enjoy stressing and then having no resolution.  I think I would have rather taken the punishment :(
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11 comments:

  1. MrBBSpankerNovember 25, 2012 at 12:30 PM

    I read this blog, so I know your new at including a DD dynamic into your marriage. It sounds like your HoH has already concluded that as long as it's not done too often, "waiting" can be part of the Disciplinary Action! Kudos to your HoH! :)

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    1. AnonymousNovember 25, 2012 at 5:11 PM

      I seriously hope not. I don't think that waiting as punishment would work very well for us. We entered DD as a way to communicate more effectively and to be able to "resolve" issues quickly and completely. Being able to "put it beind us" (no pun intended)is why we came to DD. Waiting creates more stress and causes me to act out as a result. Not exactly what we were going for. But I will definately talk to him.

      Thanks :)

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    2. MrBBSpankerNovember 26, 2012 at 4:33 AM

      Glad to hear you opened the door of honesty and communication MLBL! I have been living this dynamic for almost 30 years so I believe in a quick strict conclusion, but when someone is new you need to give them some rope and also let them know exactly what you're thinking. And I like the non pun! :)

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  2. SusieNovember 25, 2012 at 2:45 PM

    This stuff is hard but unlike MrBB, I don't know that your husband saw this waiting as part of the discipline. Who knows...you'd have to ask him straight up about that.

    I know that around here when we first started, if mine missed taking care of something and realized later what it did to me, he felt really awful about it and took the blame on himeself. After having waited for too long, he no longer felt like he had the authority so he let me off the hook. Neither of us would feel resolved.

    We all have to wait from time to time and I think that can actually be really healthy but we do need them to follow through in time.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd talk to him...tell him about all the confusing emotions and if you are brave enough, even tell him that you need a little something before you will feel better. He might just understand and give it to you. He'll also understand much better what you need in the future. Let us know how this works out okay??

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    1. MrBBSpankerNovember 25, 2012 at 4:25 PM

      I wasn't positive either. I stated that "I know" they are newer to DD. I then stated "it sounds like" when referring to waiting.
      Personally, I always think taking care of a Disciplinary Action should be done as soon as reasonably possible. But, once in a while ("not too often") waiting can be included if the HoH deems it would help get a point across.
      But as Susie mentioned, communication with your husband is probably the best way to go in this situation :)

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    2. AnonymousNovember 25, 2012 at 5:16 PM

      Thanks Susie! We did talk some last night, but unfortunately I was not brave enough to ask for what I deserved. I just couldn't do it! So I woke up in that same funky mood today and had a hard time shaking it.

      I need to learn how to find resolution when he decides not to spank. I'll add it to my list of things to work on! LOL! And you are right...This is hard! Much harder than I thought it would be.

      Thanks for the advice!

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    3. SusieNovember 25, 2012 at 5:35 PM

      Hey MrBB...I didn't mean to come across as saying that you were wrong in what you guessed. More that having experienced the same thing here and having talked with so many women in the same place, it seems like when our men have issues with timing and consistency, their go-to behaviour is to let us off the hook. They realize they've screwed up too and they sort of lose their confidence for a bit. It's a pickle for us ladies b/c we care so much about what they think and we want a resolution...wishy washy leadership makes us a little nutty. :) I am thankful and very blessed to have a very consistent leader.

      Anyway, wasn't trying to be offensive, but realize it may have come out that way.

      MLBL--Good for you for talking to him! You go! Just doing that is SOOO hard to do an I know it. You'll let that "I need" stuff pop out sometime but it sure took me a long, long time, so don't be too hard on yourself.

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    4. MrBBSpankerNovember 26, 2012 at 4:27 AM

      It's ok Susie, I completely understand & didn't think you were trying to be offensive.

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  3. AnonymousNovember 26, 2012 at 7:59 PM

    How about you grow up and learn to be in a good mood, like a normal adult, without someone else having to hit you.

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    1. AnonymousNovember 27, 2012 at 5:55 AM

      How about keeping your negativity to yourself. This community is build on building each other up and I will not stand for someone to anonymously insult my wife.
      John

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    2. AnonymousNovember 29, 2012 at 5:59 AM

      On the off chance that you will come back I wanted to let you know that I will not be posting your last comment to us. I really struggled with the decision. I very much believe in allowing people with differing opinions to voice them here as long as it is done in a respectful and mature manner. If you would like to discuss your opinions in such way, please feel free to comment. Otherwise, I will not post your comments. I am not under the delusion that everyone will agree with me and the lifestyle that I have chosen to live with my husband. I know that not everyone will like me and I am ok with that too. But know that this lifestyle was my choice...in fact it was my idea. You may not agree with it and that is YOUR choice, but I ask that you respect us as people, even though you may not agree with our choices.

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