Self Sabotage

I have so much swirling around in my head and I am desperately trying to get some of it out.  I have no idea where this post will end up or if it will make any sense at all, but I have to get all this stuff out of my brain.

This lifestyle has caused me to learn a lot about myself, most of it not so good.  There are things that have surfaced over the last several months that I desperately wish to change.  They will take time, I know that.    I am rather impatient with myself.  John tends to be more understanding.  He says that I have spent many years dealing with things a certain way and I can't change my way of thinking over night.  It's unfair to him.

I can't seem to get out of my own way.  I have difficulty communicating my needs to him for fear that they will be unmet and then I am frustrated from living with unmet needs, but now also hurt.  I know that if I don't tell him, he won't know, somehow that doesn't make it much easier.  I am trying.  It's usually after-the-fact that I realize that I have once again sabotaged myself.

Bahahaaha!

                                     

I often dwell on the worst possible outcome in situations.  If John is physically or mentally exerting himself during the day, I jump to the conclusion that he will not have anything left for me at the end of the day.  I let my mind run wild.  He doesn't care about me.  Not only am I on the bottom of his priority list, I wonder if I even make the list at all.  By the time I think to do the submissive thing and talk to him about it, it comes out as an accusation rather than a question or statement of my concern.  Why can I not trust that he thinks of me?  Why can I not trust that he cares for me?


 Why can I not just let go?    

I am aware that I am again asking questions that no one has the answers to.  The last while has brought a lot of self reflection and this is the only way I can sort through it all.  I apologize for the rambling and lack of clarity of this post.

Maybe I Just Need Too Much

Maybe this is just related to my control issues.  Not sure really.  Maybe our life is just too busy.  I need a lot of attention on a regular basis and tend to spiral when I don't get it.  I don't usually even realize it right away. It's usually not until things have deteriorated significantly that I look around and can see where I've fallen to. 

 

I've been known to be a bit high strung.  Translated in DD, high maintenance.  I hate that term.  It makes me feel like a car or something.  The other reason I hate that is it makes me needy.  I need John more than I have ever let myself believe or feel.  Have I always needed him?  Sure, to some degree, but I had convinced myself that I could take care of myself.  I was rarely hurt because I had little expectation.  If he paid attention to me it was nice, if not, I was alright.  Now if I don't receive that attention regularly I feel like I'm devastated.  I don't like it.

So what do I do?  How do I need him so desperately, yet not hold that expectation?  That control?  Is the need to control what is causing me so much pain?  Do I just need too much?  More than he is able to give right now?  

  

Controlling the Need to Control

It was finally a nice day.  After months of clouds and snow, the sun was shining so we decided to take the kids to the park to ride their scooters and get some fresh air.  Going to the park always makes me feel like a kid again.
It's not quite warm enough here yet, but I love to walk around barefoot and feel the green grass between my toes and the sunshine on my face.  I can't wait for summer.  It's my favorite time of the year.  To hear the kids laughing and splashing in the pool, feel the sun penetrating deep into my muscles and bones...

Sorry I tend to drift off when I think of summer.  Anyway, we had a nice peaceful walk/ride down the trail through the woods and enjoyed one another and the beautiful weather.

It was on our way home that it hit.  My incessant need to control things.  I never realized how bad it was until we started TTWD.  And I certainly didn't realize how hard a habit it would be to give up.  Okay, okay!  I realize that I was am in denial.

We were listening to satellite radio.  John was controlling the station.  Now we typically listen to similar music and both have somewhat eclectic tastes.  However, John occasionally listens to things that I don't like AT ALL.  I began to tease and poke fun at his choices.  When the song ended he started trolling the stations and I decided to "help" him find a better choice.  Well APPARENTLY that is NOT acceptable.  He immediately became visibly irritated with me and I quickly changed it back so he could continue trolling.  It was too late.

  

When we arrived home I was instructed to go to our room and wait for him.  He came in and sat on the bed opposite me and lectured on my control issues.  Assured me that it was not really about the radio, but about my unwillingness to relinquish control... Initially, I was defensive and tried to make it about the radio.  He continued to discuss my behavior and slowly,I began to see how devastating my actions have been to us.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as that realization settled on me.  He informed me that I would be corrected for it.  He was disappointed that even after such a strenuous spanking that morning, I was still unable or unwilling to fully submit to him.

After the kids are in bed, we will come back here and take care of this.

Already emotionally shaken, I curled up into his arms and laid there for a moment.

Can we do it now?

Are you asking me to spank you now?

Yes.  Please.  I'm so sorry I disappointed you and don't want to wait.  We can turn on the radio so the kids won't hear.  That phrase just dawned on me as ironic as that damn radio is the reason I was getting spanked! Please. 

Alright.  Get ready and into position.  

I cried through the whole thing.  Not because it hurt (which it did!  It was still sore from that morning's spanking), but because I had disappointed him.  That I had disappointed myself.  That I was destructive to our marriage and what we are trying to build.

My control issues are deeply ingrained in my brain.  I don't know how or if I will ever fully shake them.  They have served me well (ok...maybe not well, but I have managed to protect myself).  I'm sure with John's help I will learn to operate without them.


                                                                                                                                       

Surprises

I LOVE surprises!  Not the kind of "I have a surprise for you, but you'll have to wait" kind.  Those drive me crazy!  The "SURPRISE!" kind :)  Friday night I got a surprise.  My sister called and asked to keep the kids for the night.  Not one of the kids, or even two, or three, but ALL FOUR!!!!  SURPRISE!  Yay me!!!  It was already later in the evening so John and I were not going to have a traditional date night, but who needs traditional!

We were able to spend time reconnecting in our own special ways.  It was amazing.  We started by cuddling and snuggling on the couch.  We talked about us.  We read  a few blog posts and talked some more.  John has been exceptional lately.  He has really been showing up for us and it is making a huge difference.  I feel so loved and cherished and taken care of.

Anyway...back to our evening.  I love our children and so does John, but we also love when we get time alone.  There are things that we can do that are more than difficult when there are children in the house.  We get to explore our own home and one another.  Some time later we passed out in each other's arms totally sated and spent.

The next morning we awoke still intertwined in each other.  We lay there together and talked a bit.  Suddenly, his fists were full of my hair and I was pleasuring him.  Then I was placed in position and John was spanking me  I have a need for his touch during a spanking, any spanking regardless of the reason for it.  I wrap my arm into his leg and hold onto it like a lifeline.  Most of the time John wraps his non-spanking hand around my waist which provides more comfort to me than I think he even realizes.  It was delicious.  I started to struggle for my position and after a few more swats he took a break to rub.

Have you realized yet that I own your ass?



HUH?!  What happened to my meek and mild husband???  And did I mention how incredibly HOT that was?  So I answered in the only way that is appropriate in a moment like that

Yes Daddy

Then he continued to remind me of his dominance over me, of his love for me, of his devotion to us.  After he had pushed me passed my comfort level, he held me tight and comforted me.  I felt loved.  I felt owned.  I felt cared for.  He expressed his dominance and love in another form before I was off to make us breakfast.
It was a much needed time of reconnection for us both.  SURPRISE!