This last week has been wrought with "discussions". Most of which ended in me erecting a fortress. TTWD has uncovered yet another of my flaws. (I'm starting to think of it a superhero...Da da da da! TTWD! To the rescue! Saving women of all ages from themselves! Confronting all their demons and paddling them into submission!) I assume the worst. Not in all situations, but specifically regarding myself. I jump to conclusions and they are never good, but end with me safe and sound in my castle with the draw bridge secured, moat filled and full of alligators. Unfortunately, I am there alone, forcing John to swim the moat, slay the alligators and scale the wall to reach me.
I like it in my castle. It's safe and secure and no one can hurt me there. My Love is not so fond of it. Actually, he despises it. He says that it's cold and dark and damp. I suppose it's all a matter of perspective (though he may be on to something).
So last night he said...I heard...and the brick laying began. It was subtle at first, but he's getting better at recognizing when I pull out my trowel and mud.
Nothing. I'm just tired.
Are you sure?
Ya. I'm fine. (Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I don't know why, but "I'm fine" is code for "I'm fine now cuz I'm already safe in my tower" and immediately gives me away)
Look at me.
Look at me! (Grabbing my chin and tilting my head toward his) I can see in you're eyes that you are NOT fine. Are you shutting down on me?
No. (I've already shut down!) Don't judge me it wasn't a lie because technically I wasn't "shutting" down!
He talked for a while and brought me to a revelation of why I do it. In the end it comes down to my need to protect myself...to make myself feel safe. I know that this hurt him. He should be the one to protect me, to protect my heart, to be my safe place.
He blames himself for his inconsistency, though I disagree. Many things have happened in my past that have led me to this occupation.
He pulled me to himself and I cried into his chest and he comforted me and assured me that even in my vulnerability, I was in fact safe. He was right. I was safe and so was my heart. He didn't run away screaming. He held me tight and helped me strip away the callouses.
I am scared. I feel very exposed, but I know he is able to cover me and protect me. I trust him.