Don't Make Me Repeat Myself

So apparently when I feel very strongly about something and desperately want to be heard I repeat myself!  Or so I've been told....  And that is why My Love interrupted me.  That did NOT make me very happy! 

Maybe I should back up a bit and tell you that I have been really struggling with TTWD.  BIG surprise, right?  I used to make all the decisions.  I would allow My Love to give his two cents, but ultimately it was my decision.  In TTWD that is not the case!  It's actually reversed nowe and I have been having a hard time accepting the fact that my opinion doesn't have the same weight it used to.

So when I was interrupted I kinda, mighta, sorta went into melt down mode.  More like meltdown/shutdown mode.  He interrupted me trying to make a point I felt was really important and I very calmly listened to his point of view and we had an amazing conversation about it...Ok well that's probably how I should have reacted.  Instead I crossed my arms across my chest and made a not so subtle HMPH!  He repeated back to me what I had been saying and tried to explain that I was repeating myself and he didn't want the conversation to escalate.  He also wanted me to know that he understood what I was saying.  ...    ....   ....   ....   ....crickets....   ....    ....   ...crickets....   ....

You were repeating yourself and I just wanted you to know that I heard you.

Oh!  So it's ok for YOU to repeat YOURSELF, but not me!  I see!

In  hindsight that might not have been the best thing to say.  My Love still struggles with how to handle me in these types of situations.  I think he is afraid of my reaction if he were to punish me for an outburst like that, so he did nothing. 

We have both been extremely tired lately and so I ended up falling asleep on the couch.  My Love woke me up when he was ready to go to bed.  Unfortunately for me my pride had not healed itself while I napped and I was still sulking and wounded.  We went to bed and I rolled over to my side of our bed instead of cuddling up with him.  I began to cry silently for a number of reasons and My Love sensing my distress told me to come and lay by him.  I reassured him that I was fine.  He repeated his "request".  Again I told him that I was fine.  Fine is not particularly the word My Love ever wants to hear.  In the past that was my word that signaled that I had had enough and was shutting down now.  I am now being hauled abruptly across the bed and into his arms where I put on my bravest face and try to dry my tears.  My Love reassures me and coaxes me to tell him what is bothering me.  I don't even know!  I love TTWD!  I love the communication and love and trust it is fostering in our relationship.  I HATE TTWD!  I hate that I have lost control.  I am afraid...I am afraid of being punished unfairly (though I've actually only been punished once and it was at my request as a cleansing).  I am afraid of not having a voice in our relationship and how we raise our children and the decisions for our family.  I'm afraid!  OK!  I finally said it.  I'm scared to death to be completely honest.  I'm afraid I can't do this.  That I'm just not cut out for it and that we will lose everything we have already gained from it :(

I told him that I felt like a wild horse that someone was desperately trying to tame, but just couldn't/wouldn't be broken.  Like he was trying to trap me in a cage.  Like I was going to lose me in this process.  Like I didn't know what would be left of me in the end of all of this.  Now I know that the way things have been in the past was destructive and that it wasn't good for either of us, but it's what I know and was comfortable with.  I hate even saying that because it sounds really bad.  He listened and just held me as I began to cry.  He asked if I wanted to quit TTWD.  If I would rather lay there with him and work through our problems together or go back to my side of the bed and cry alone?  Because without TTWD that's where I would be...on the other side all alone and he would be completely oblivious to my needs, wants, and feelings about things.

It was what I needed.  I needed My Love to just love me and understand my struggle.  Did I deserve a spanking for it?  Absolutely!  Would it have incited WWIII?  I can't really answer that.  I know that the day will come when he will push for punishment and I will be in rare form and I'd like to say that I will behave with the utmost respect and honor, but I fear that will not be the case.  But until then I will be grateful for his care and love!