My new "normal"

I have been working alot more than I'd like to be lately.  I used to be a stay at home mom and about 2 years ago I started working VERY part time for my families business.  Well I am now working 4-5 days a week and that on top of the holidays approaching and just trying to keep our home running smoothly, I am exhausted.  I really don't know how working moms do it all.  I am finding myself really struggling to keep all of the balls in the air and it seems like they are starting to fall :( 

I have been just taking it in stride though, just pushing through each day with a pretty good attitude...Ok maybe not such a great attitude...ok it's really sucked!  Unfortunately that attitude has landed me in trouble with My Love.

It started on Thursday and carried over into Friday.  My Love cut me some slack on Thursday because emotionally I had just had a really bad day.  (In hind sight maybe he should've just spanked the bad mood out of me, but he was trying to be sensitive).  I felt like all of my "balls" were dropping and dropping fast.  TTWD has created an emotional adventure, but for now that was not the source of my frustration.  Until I started texting My Love.  He was not happy with the way things had been going and he felt that I wanted out.  He said that I am going back and forth so much that he's been treading very lightly because he feared my reaction if he pushed too hard.  After much discussion, we both decided (again) that this is something that we really wanted and he said that the only way we would be happy would be to "do this for real". 

Well I wish that would have been enough for me.  Apparently I feel the need to see if he really means what he says...He does! (Note to self!)

So as I was saying, my attitude just wasn't what it should be and I had been a tiny bit disrespectful (ok maybe a tiny bit more than that!)  But at some point I had crossed the line.  My Love went into his silent mode, which is never good (and by the way, never solves anything, and usually causes me to spiral so really this whole thing was his fault).  Finally I gave up and said that I was going to bed.

My Love came in, climbed onto the bed and grabbed my phone out of my hand and then grabbed my other hand and started to pull me toward him.  At this point I was already steaming.  My Love had not spoken to me other than to tell me just to move on and stop trying to talk to him.  I knew that I had been disrespectful, but I don't deal with the silent treatment very well.  I was angry that he hadn't just put an end to it and instead decided to shut down.  I grabbed my phone and jerked my hand out of his and told him to just leave me alone and go to bed.  He got frustrated and left. 

When he finally came back to bed I asked him to please not leave things like that between us.  He agreed and then he pulled me to him.  We laid there together for a while.  Suddenly he sat up, pulled me over his lap, pulled down my sweats and began spanking with his hand.  Currently this is the only way My Love spanks me.  He has two reasons: 1) It allows him to know how hard he is spanking.  He feels he has more control and with us just beginning he does not want to be too harsh. 2) He feels it allows him to be more connected to the punishment/forgiveness aspect of the spanking.  When he finished he laid down and I laid my head on his stomach.  He then pushed my head down onto him and made me suck on him for a little bit.  I crawled back up and put my head on his chest and told him I was really sorry and that he hadn't deserved my disrespect earlier or my refusal of punishment.  He asked if I was still feeling guilty...I should've said NO!  I have learned my lesson and from now on my answer to that question is NO!  I mean come on how stupid can I possibly be?  I shrugged my shoulders and said "I don't know..."

He pulled over him once again and continued my spanking.  As I laid across him I began to cry.  Sob really and it wasn't very pretty.  When he finished he pulled on top of him and I laid on him and cried as he held me, telling me it was ok, that we were ok.

Then he lifted me up and onto him and we did what we do best.  We may not always agree.  We may not always communicate effectively.  We may not always be on the same page.  Our personalities may collide.  But this is the one thing we do well together.  It's the one thing that comes easy for us.  I don't know if we'll always f*ck (sorry, but that's what we call it...My Love says we don't make love...we f*ck) after punishment, but I hope so.  It is the thing that has always connected us.  It lets me know that things are ok between us or that they will be.  It's a kind of security blanket.  One of the things that hasn't changed (too much anyway) since beginning TTWD. 

Afterward I felt at peace.  I felt like the wall I had been constructing in anger and disappointment in myself  and in My Love was gone.  As we laid there just being together I didn't feel like there was anything between us.  Nothing separating us.  It was just us.  I still don't understand why or how that happened.  How a spanking can "cure" us, but somehow it did.  I almost feel bad, like there is something wrong with me for feeling that way.  I don't know, maybe it's just my need for "normal".  All I know is it's working.  And for now that's good enough!