John and I have taken a few days after New Years off to just have some down time. We aren't going anywhere. We don't have any concrete plans other than to relax. We will also be celebrating John's birthday next week (which is how I talked him into taking the extra couple days off).
I have to admit I am a little nervous about spending this much time together. I am saddened and confused by this feeling. I know it is because last weekend was...well it's easier to say what it wasn't. It wasn't warm, it wasn't loving, it wasn't intimate or close. I did find out that my brick laying skills are just as good as ever :) I built a beautiful large castle complete with moat and snapping gators, as is true to form.
Willie recently wrote how being around family can make us return to our "old" roles. Maybe that was my problem. Maybe I just can't seem to get out of my own way.
Maybe I just need to let some things go.
So the walls were knocked down and we talked and came up with a few concrete goals that we could work toward. And then...well let's just say I can feel the walls going up again. I don't know how to stop it. At the first sign (and it can be the smallest thing) of trouble, I start laying bricks again. I am so afraid of getting hurt. I never thought of myself as being an insecure person and I really don't like it. I was always self sufficient. Perhaps my walls made me feel protected. I was not one who was easily offended. Maybe I just feel more vulnerable without the comfort and safety of the walls.
So many things have changed. Today is 3 months since we began TTWD. So many things have changed! I know in my head they are all for the better. My heart is taking a little longer to catch up. My heart is taking everything personally.
As a few wise ladies have told me, there are no short-cuts in this. Everything has to be worked through with love, patience, and communication.