John and I have taken a few days after New Years off to just have some down time. We aren't going anywhere. We don't have any concrete plans other than to relax. We will also be celebrating John's birthday next week (which is how I talked him into taking the extra couple days off).
I have to admit I am a little nervous about spending this much time together. I am saddened and confused by this feeling. I know it is because last weekend was...well it's easier to say what it wasn't. It wasn't warm, it wasn't loving, it wasn't intimate or close. I did find out that my brick laying skills are just as good as ever :) I built a beautiful large castle complete with moat and snapping gators, as is true to form.
Willie recently wrote how being around family can make us return to our "old" roles. Maybe that was my problem. Maybe I just can't seem to get out of my own way.
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Maybe I just need to let some things go.
So the walls were knocked down and we talked and came up with a few concrete goals that we could work toward. And then...well let's just say I can feel the walls going up again. I don't know how to stop it. At the first sign (and it can be the smallest thing) of trouble, I start laying bricks again. I am so afraid of getting hurt. I never thought of myself as being an insecure person and I really don't like it. I was always self sufficient. Perhaps my walls made me feel protected. I was not one who was easily offended. Maybe I just feel more vulnerable without the comfort and safety of the walls.
So many things have changed. Today is 3 months since we began TTWD. So many things have changed! I know in my head they are all for the better. My heart is taking a little longer to catch up. My heart is taking everything personally.
As a few wise ladies have told me, there are no short-cuts in this. Everything has to be worked through with love, patience, and communication.
Look deeper. The walls are not security. It is actually an illusion. They shut out. They isolate. They suffocate. Nothing can grow if the light can't get through.
ReplyDeleteThink of it like children- if you never say no ( which can lead to disappointment, pain, anger) the yeses begin to mean nothing. That is to say we need to pain to enjoy the good. Sad, but it is true.
The walls we begin to build to 'protect' ourselves just put us in a holding pattern. Sure we are vulnerable. We feel things so much deeper now. Sometimes it seems unbearable, but what about the flip side? The happiness, the contentment. At times it seems that those 'good' feelings are so few and far between, but I believe it is because as humans we dwell on the hurt more, than we should. Not too mention if we are wasting all our times building walls, while we are searching for another brick, we are missing the good stuff.
This is not easy P. No one ever pretended it would be, we are all just experiencing how difficult it is to us.
Personally I still build walls, but they are half walls now. Or actually like I said before, more like beaver dams. What materials you decide to use, and how high you build them is up to you. But TALKING helps stop the build, and eventually helps in the demolition. Sure sometimes the walls don't come completely down, but they can get eroded with time- if you just take a leap of faith.
Willie
You are so right about the isolation. I have felt pretty isolated the last couple of weeks and it's probably the walls I've built. Truth is I don't know that they've completely come down lately. More like I've created a few windows, maybe a doorway or two. One of the problems with that is that it makes it too easy to start building again...there's already a nice foundation.
DeleteEasy? Hell not this ain't easy...it's either gonna make us unbreakable or it's gonna kill us! (Or maybe it's just gonna kill me!)
Thank you for being a support to us...glad to call you friend :)
P
Life is a series of small steps and before you know it you've moved miles.
ReplyDeleteSo true Sunnygirl! Perhaps I should take a few small ones and see where they take me :)
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Something Wilma said....very wise.....if you never say no the yeses begin to mean nothing. I know that sometimes it looks like things are easy for me, sometimes they are not. That's part of our not so long ago very bad weekend. Sometimes I need time to process what he says or does, sometimes my kneejerk response is rebellious or sulky...not the June I want to be or the June he deserves. (Thankfully he understands that now and gives me the space to work it out and understands that's what it is and not an attempt to distance).
ReplyDeleteIn that time I look at my reactions and ask myself honestly what his intent is. I can usually see that it's not arbitrary, it's him doing things that make us and our family stronger. If its not readily apparent a question or two usually makes it clear.
You know from another pov..... I would feel what you are feeling every time he came back from deployment and it was like starting over all over again... can I be what he wants me to be...what he needs me to be.. can I be who I want to be for him? But you know that you are already what he wants and you already know that he values and treasures the gifts you give to him. So when you feel that fear and trepidation stop and look in his eyes, or walk into his arms and feel his warmth and his breath on your hair, feel the love he writes with his fingertips on your skin...and I bet when you look down the bricks are gone.
(((Hugs)))
Thanks for the hugs June! I could use them right now. I do love reading your blog. It gives me hope that one day this won't be quite so hard.
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Daddy adds - if you look down and some of the bricks remain, ask him for help with them and really take the time to communicate your fears and thoughts at that moment. These relationships really cannot work if we don't take the time to truly communicate with our partners.
ReplyDeleteAwe! I'm touched that Ward took the time to comment.
DeleteCommunication is definitely a non-negotiable in ttwd. Thanks for your words of wisdom
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When those walls start to go up....run to him...not away...ask for help....you can do this! :) My walls still go up from time to time, but it gets easier and easier to watch them crumble around you. This is so hard, and you never really get "there"...wherever that is. It is a process, and it takes a lot of communication to stay where you want to be. Ryan and I had a talk about this last night....we got off over the holidays....and now we have to work to get back to where we want to be. It is okay...it is normal....you will fall, but you will learn so much by picking yourself up AND allowing him to help you do that!
ReplyDeleteGood luck my friend....
~Lucy
It goes against everything I know to run to him when the walls are to "protect" myself from him. I know that they do more harm than good in the end, but oddly they are comfortable. It's crazy what we as human beings will get used to.
DeleteI am growing though. I now realize when I've got walls up and sometimes even recognize when I start looking for bricks. Next is to actually do something to stop them...
Thanks for all your "professional" advice. It's good just to be able to talk to someone who understands. I appreciate you my friend :)
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I'd be lying if I said I didn't build walls, and everyone advice is amazing.. but I know how hard it can be to go to him when you feel this way.. well - I guess I get like that and I really just need time to process until I feel like I can go to him...
ReplyDeleteI too was very used to feeling protection of my walls.
Communication is good, but don't feel bad about needing time to sort it all out in your head.
If you feel that way, it's for a reason, but you don't have to stay in that feeling forever.
Building walls seems to a common thread among the ttwd women! What's interesting is that most women introduce ttwd into their relationships. What were we thinking?! lol
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Well, we have some rules about building walls, and they are not comfortable ones. He does give me lots of chances to come around on my own though.
ReplyDelete1 thing that seems to help me is that I picture what it's going to look like when I do not have those walls up anymore, and how does that affect our most important goal, our friendship.
Distancing and hiding is always going to be 1 of the areas I struggle with but I think I have come far. It does take time and it seems to take a lot of mistakes!
Another way that I push myself a long is to picture what it would feel like if he was doing the same thing to me. He never hides from me and he never distances and I don't know what I would do if he did! He deserves my best too..
Welcome Stormy!
DeleteLuckily we do not currently have rules against it :) I don't think I'd ever sit if we did!
I know how detrimental it is to our relationship, it's just my m.o. It's how I've always dealt with things. I'm not making excuses. And I am working on it. I love your idea about picturing what it would look like without them up (even though the moat is kinda cool...I love water!).
I need to make a "plan" of what I should do next time I feel them going up because he does deserve the best of me...that's one of the reasons we started ttwd. Thanks for your advice
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