Tuesday, October 30, 2012


It has been a crazy couple of days here.  Hurricane Sandy is in full force.  We were without power for a while, but we are now warm and cozy once again. 

Like the storm that rages outside, one rages inside as well.  Though at the core I know all is well, the rifts on the surface are beginning to wear on me and My Love as well.  I am experiencing a myriad of emotions and from one moment to the next don't know which will show itself.  I have always been an emotional and passionate person.  I feel as though I have been blindfolded and strapped onto a roller coaster.  I am unable to prepare for the twist, turn, or loop until its happening and then when it all finally stops and all is quiet I'm left confused and dizzy and sick to my stomach. 

My Love and I are both have a lot going on which makes dealing with the issues of DD difficult to say the least.  We are both still very much committed to making it work especially since seeing the initial benefits.  Secretly I fear I don't have what it takes to make this journey.  I am strong, stubborn, opinionated, and driven.  I fear that if My Love ever decides to actually spank for every spankable offense I committ I will never be able to sit down.  Maybe that's part of the problem.  I fear that He's not 100% committed.  In our attempt to make this grand exchange I fear what will happen if I let go of everything and no one is there to pick it up.  I feel very...unsettled.  Like my whole world is a snow globe that some sticky-fingered kid has picked up and skaken.  Everything is a mess.  The funny thing is that you'd never know anything was wrong from the look on the child's face.  The face spliiting grin and the joyous laughter that now fill the air.  While my world seems it doesn't quite fit yet I still walk around with that same stupid grin and joyous laughter because even with all its challenges I really am happier.

I know that it will take time to settle into our new roles.  The truth is that after everything stops spinning and the urge to vomit has passed, I'm the one yelling "That was AWESOME!" 

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