The Smallest Gestures Speak Loudest to the Heart

I know that I have not yet responded to my last two posts and I promise to do so shortly.  I do appreciate all of your kind words, emails, phone calls, and chats.  


He had come home sick that day, which was something he never did.  I ran around taking care of the everyday tasks, kids' homework, picking up the house, and making dinner, as he lay on the couch.  I had stopped by the grocery to pick up what I needed to make him homemade chicken noodle soup, his favorite when he's ill.  I made his bowl of soup and delivered it to the couch along with a cold glass of Sprite.  

After we had eaten he laid back down on the couch and I knelt beside him on the floor.  We talked a bit and then settled in to watch some television.  I turned around and sat with my back resting against the couch.  He reached up and grabbed the hair that was piled on top of my head.  Slowly, he loosed it from the band and let it fall around my shoulders.    He began to run his fingers through it.  With each stroke I relaxed a little more.    It was a small gesture, but the effect was enormous.  I felt loved and appreciated.  The gesture probably meant more to me because he wasn't feeling his best, yet he chose to take care of me.  It didn't take much effort physically, but the effect was great. 





As I later spoke to a friend about it she said, "The smallest gestures speak loudest to the heart."  I'd like you to read that sentence again.  That simple sentence spoke volumes to me.  It has changed my perspective.  It is something I hope to always remember.  Every relationship requires effort, but it is the small gestures, when done with great love, that will leave a lasting impact on both the giver and the receiver.  






John and I have discussed things.  There were times that I "talked at" him and he has "talked at" me, but we refuse to stop talking.  We are communicating now and will continue to do so.  We are moving forward in this thing we do.  I hope to write about everything that has happened over the last week soon, but for now I am not up to it.  

The Past is Never Where You Left It Part 2

**Disclaimer**  In case you didn't read the previous post  I will offer the same disclaimer.  My emotions are still very raw and I am very confused.  This post may be disjointed though I tried to make it make sense.  

I have certain insecurities that have plagued me for a long time.  For much of our marriage these insecurities have done tremendous damage.  Though I didn't realize it at the time, those insecurities were responsible for much of my anger.  Over the last 2-3 years I have worked through those issues, or so I thought.  In the process of becoming vulnerable and opening myself up to John those insecurities have resurfaced.  I suppose I should have expected it, but I thought I had dealt with those things.  

When the inconsistency started this past week I began to feel those insecurities creep up.  I felt like I was alone and that I was only good for sex...  I felt like my needs had become a burden and were unimportant.  I tried to express my feelings and my needs to John, but he was having trouble understanding where I was coming from.  With every passing day I spiraled further and further.  

We sat one evening trying to communicate.  We talked again about what I needed from him as my Dominant.  We discussed our roles again.  I began to cry.  He began to blame himself and then got up and left the room.  I was hurt...  I couldn't believe that he had left me crying and so I went after him.  Angry once again, I demanded that he come back and finish our conversation.  

I asked why he had left me crying again (this was not the first time this week) when prior to ttwd he wouldn't have left.  He told me that he couldn't face me when he felt that he was the cause of my pain.  What I heard was he chose to protect himself rather than protect me.  

I read to him the Dominant's Creed.  He said that he felt that he was failing miserably after reading that again.  After laying it all out there I again asked the question I dreaded hearing the answer to.

I am crazy and wild.  I can be stubborn and opinionated.  I have serious insecurities that sometimes require special attention.  I am sarcastic and sometimes take things too far.  Can you deal with me?  With all of me?  Can you meet my needs?  Can you be my Dominant?

I don't know.  

Then I respectfully withdraw my consent.

I didn't do it out of anger.  I didn't do it out of hurt feelings.  I didn't do it to make him feel bad or to force his hand.  I did it because I don't feel that I can submit to someone who says they don't know if they can be my Dominant.  It has been a few days since I withdrew my consent and I still don't really know where it leaves us.  I truly hope that this is temporary.  

This is a place I don't understand.  It is a foreign land.  Our relationship is awkward.  Some moments I see peeks of us and others it feels as though we are strangers living under the same rough.  I still love John with all of heart, my heart is breaking...

The Past is Never Where You Left It...Part 1

**Disclaimer** This is a two part post.  That being said I am still rather raw and somewhat emotional and this post may not make any sense at all.  You have been warned!

How true is that?  Well it may or may not be for you, but for me it seems that the past never stays in the past for long.  John and I have been together for a long time which means that we have a lot of history.  When we first started ttwd, we decided to have a "cleansing", a spanking that would give us the fresh start and clean slate we both needed.  Unfortunately, I don't know that it worked.

Everything was going great.  Okay!  We've been on this crazy roller coaster since day 1.  Things were going well, but things started to fizzle out.  He wasn't as attentive and I was losing the grip on my submission.  

We had a sitter for the evening and we were going to talk about ttwd.  It wasn't going well.  We both became angry.  And there it was...one of the issues from our cleansing.  It came hurdling at me so quickly that I didn't have time to duck or dodge it.  It sucker punched me.  I felt as though the air had been sucked from the room and I couldn't catch my breath.  

I completely lost my submission and became forceful and demanded a decision about ttwd.  I told him that this was not a lifestyle that we had to agreed to live part-time.  I asked him if this was something he wanted, really wanted for us.  He said that it was.  I asked if it was something that he was willing to do, even when it was hard and even when he wasn't feeling the best.  He thought for a while.  If I'm honest, which I do endeavor to be, I was afraid he wouldn't want to continue.  Finally, he said that it was something he was willing to put in the time for.  He wanted this to work and said he realized that it had to be 24/7 or it wouldn't.  I said that he needed to start taking the lead in all things, and that included the conversation we were having.  So I stopped talking and waited...

He stood up and grabbed my hand and told me to come with him.  I was half drug down the stairs as he had wrapped my arm around his waist and walking down the stairs was awkward.  Once in our room he began undoing the button on my jeans and I told him that I didn't mean that we needed to have sex.

However, those were not his plans and I was bent over the bed and spanked.  Afterwards, I snuggled up on is chest, but he had not finished with me.  He proceeded to fulfill the fantasy from my first ever submission exercise!  It was so amazing!  He was amazing!  We proceeded to spend the rest of the evening just being together.  We watched a movie and had dinner.  It was a great night.

Later in the weekend he said that he wanted to begin "keeping good girls good" spankings on a regular basis and that we would start by doing it every other night.  Unfortunately, that has not yet happened.  I'm sure you know the turmoil that inconsistency and not following through cause.  Thus was the beginning of the downward spiral...

HOH Emerging

I knelt in front of him as he lay on the couch and laid my head on his chest.  He wrapped his arm around me and began rubbing my back. 

It was nice...until it wasn't.  It was as if the earth began to shake and crack under us...well under me. 

 

The distance hit hard.  He hadn't said anything or done anything, but it was there.  I got up and sat down on my end of the couch and began to play with my phone.  He talked about the show that was on television and I snapped.  "I really don't care right now!"  He said nothing for a while.  Then he asked what was going on with me.  I said nothing.  Then I fell asleep.

He woke me to get ready for bed and and when we had settled in he asked if I was just tired or if something else was going on.  He said I seemed distant.  I told him that I felt distant, but really didn't know why.  Then I broke one of our MAJOR rules.  I rolled over and went to sleep. 

I awoke this morning and text him, which is our normal.  He tried again to reach me.  I blocked him at every turn.  I couldn't understand what was going on myself.  I had no idea what to tell him.  I wasn't intentionally shutting down, I was just confused.

I talked with a friend who helped me figure out what was going on.  Well, a lot is going on.  John is still not feeling that great so things are a bit...slow.  We had a great week last week.  He was issuing tasks to keep me in my sub state of mind, but that has slowed as well.  His illness is taking its toll on us both.  To the best of my recollection it has been about 6 weeks since my last spanking.

John said that we would deal with my breach of our rules once he got home and would make sure I was back to my soft and peaceful self.

What does that mean?

It means I will make sure you are back in your sub frame of mind.

How do you plan to do that?

You'll see.

We went back and forth via text for a bit.  And finally he said

I'll take you there, if you'll let me.

I don't really feel like an adventure right now...

Fine.  Then go get the clamps and put them on.

Are you serious?

Yes.

For how long?

Til I say.

Oh man!  What WAS I thinking when I bought those?  So off I went to attach the lovely clamps...OW!  They hurt like hell!

Now, I want you to think about why we do TTWD.

So I did.  Why do we do it?  We do it to make US better, to strengthen the bond and intimacy between us.  We continued to text back and forth and finally he said

There's my good girl...you've been hiding from me.  

And with that, I melted :)

Losing Control...One Pair of Panties At a Time!

You're home today?

Yes, why?

Pantiless day!












And so it began...

The following morning...

okay so maybe it wasn't THIS bad!

Panties!

Thongs!


And thus the saga continued...











Later that day...

From now on, everyday I will pick out the panties I want you to wear.






So along with taking control, he took my panties!


I'd love to complain, but truth is, I find it extremely hot!

Topping From the Bottom...Or Trying To!

I KNOW!  This is not a subject that is very popular among DD wives.  We all like to think of ourselves as the perfect little submissive wife, always loving and kind, serving with joy, and quick to obey.  

 

I do LOVE this quote

Okay!  Now that we got THAT load of crap piece of business out of the way...here's what really happens over here at the Smith residence.

We have been practicing ttwd for a little over 4 months.  It has been a tough road at times.  Last week I did a post expressing the frustration I was feeling.  John and I have also been talking about my need to 'feel' submissive to him.  We discussed things that he could do to help me with that.  One of the ideas was for him to create submissive exercises for me.  I We also came up with tasks that he could require such as pantiless days, or wearing lingerie under clothing to work, etc.  We had a nice little list to pick from.  

So Tuesday, HE decided that that I should participate in an exercise.  

Problem is HE did not check with ME before he went 'Off List'!  How could he do that?  I mean I understand that he can make whatever decisions he wants and he doesn't need my permission, BUT at the risk of being politically incorrect...HE NEVER HAS!  While I did want a submission exercise, I wanted something off the list.  So I stomped my feet a bit and mouthed off a bit and just carried a bit of an attitude.  

My exercise was to share a sexual fantasy.  

The problem with this exercise is that I DIDN'T LIKE IT!  Ok...that wasn't the only reason.  I have hidden away any and all sexual fantasies in the deep recesses of my mind.  I had convinced myself that they were bad and ugly and that they were never to be revealed.  I was sick.  I didn't want to let him down, but it was a betrayal of everything I knew to share this part of myself with him.  What if he thought it was too weird?  What if he couldn't look at me the same way again?  What if he realizes that I'm not exactly the person he married?  I realize that some of these are unfounded, but my heart was speaking much louder than my brain.

After some thought (and gentle encouragement from some friends) 

I realized that my HOH was growing and that I had to submit and complete the task he had given me.  John allowed two weeks to complete this task as it was something he knew would be difficult for me.  After some serious thought (and more encouragement from friends...what would I ever do without you all!) I decided that I wouldn't wait til the last minute like I wanted and I wouldn't take the easy way out of the task either.  I would do it soon and I would put my whole heart into his request.  

Yesterday My Love was pushing my submissive buttons.  We headed off to bed for some play time :)  While I was still bathing in the afterglow, I gathered all my courage and I told him my most prominent fantasy.  The one that I remember having in degrees from my childhood.  Okay...ready?

Here we go....

Deep Breath!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Did you really think that if I kept something buried for over 15 years and struggled to share with my husband, my lover, my protector, my very best friend, my HOH that I was going to put it out there for the whole world!  My someday...but today is NOT that day.  I am not that brave yet!

Anyway...back to my story.  I revealed to him my greatest sexual desire.  He didn't freak.  He didn't run.  He just listened and got turned on!  So we moved on to extra innings, overtime, whatever you want to call it.  I felt so safe and loved.  He cared enough, loved enough, to push me out of my comfort zone in order to find out more about me, the real me.  Even more amazing to me was that he found out the real me and loved me anyway.  When I asked him what his thoughts were he responded, "You've been holding out on me!  I always knew you were a closet freak, but you've got boxes in there I didn't even know about!" 

I was off of work today.  I always love my day off.  I get to really catch up with friends, housework, friends, laundry, friends.  I text John as I do every morning when I wake up.  We chatted for a while then he said, you're home today, right?

yes....why?

Good!  Pantiless day!

What? but...we agreed that I would be given a little break because that was such a hard task for me and I completed it ahead of time!

No...you said that.  And this isn't anything hard like that

But...baby...

We could make it a no pants day as well if you like

No...no...

And with that I sent him a pic of my panties to prove that I had done it.

 

 We continued to text throughout the day and then it happened...the thing I knew would catch me eventually.  I used to pretend to be the 'good' one.  I was the 'innocent' one.  Now that I had revealed so much to him, how could I ever pick up that rouse again?  I struggled to wrap my brain around it all and I let John know that I was struggling.  His next text to me spoke volumes!  

You are still my sweet girl :)

It was simple, but exactly what I needed.  It showed me that my husband wasn't the same man he was 6 months ago.  He was my HOH.  He was in control.  What he requires may be uncomfortable and take me places I don't really want to go, but it is to make us better.  It is to strengthen the bond between us.  And when I am unsure, his voice and his guidance is all I need.  

Submit Button

So this button got raves in my last post.  Many of you thought it was a great idea to have one.  It got me thinking.  You can stop laughing now, as I'm WELL aware of how dangerous that can be. We all have "buttons".  Some that trigger anger, frustration, irritation, memories (some good, some bad).  

We also have submission "buttons".  Those little things that our HOH's do that bring out our submissive nature.  Not the mere acts, but the submission that occurs on the heart level.  

As many of you know, John hasn't been feeling so well lately.  We have been discussing little (or big for when he's feeling well) things that he can do to help me feel more submissive and him more Dominant.  Last night he was feeling better and decided to try out a few things.  WOW!  That's all I can say.  He started pushing buttons very early in the day and just continued to build on it.  By the time we were ready to sleep, I was a giggly mess!  

Against the normal format of this blog, where I just rant about what's happening/not happening in our life, I'm asking you the readers to clue me in on you "buttons".  What makes YOU feel submissive?  So come on!  Don't be shy!  Even if you've never commented here before, make an exception just this once.  

Submission Vacation???

My submission seems to be on vacation.

Looks like fun, huh?

Oh who I am kidding?  I don't think she ever really moved in.  It's more like a sweet friend who came to visit.  

She looks so peaceful, doesn't she?

She came in and unpacked all of her things:

I love that he's fully clothed and she is so vulnerable and the look of ecstasy on her face.

and

She just seems so happy to be taking care of her man!

and

She gazes adoringly into his eyes...

and even some of this

submitting to his will and trusting that he knows what's best.

Unfortunately, her stay was only short lived

and she left this chic behind

Okay, I have this shoe obsession and these just look sassy and in charge!

She didn't take everything with her when she left.  She left me with the motions of submission, but the spirit of it she seems to have taken.  On the outside I am still submissive.  I still take care of My Love, I still kneel in front of him and do other things that appear submissive, but inside I look a bit like this guy

NO!  It's not what you think!  Let me explain...he has his horns, but he's not about to charge (yet).  He seems a bit aloof and unaffected, distracted maybe.  He still has the potential to be dangerous, but at the moment is just assessing the situation. 

Maybe I need something that looks a bit more like this

That looks painful!

Maybe it would be easier if I had one of these