Thursday, February 7, 2013

Topping From the Bottom...Or Trying To!

I KNOW!  This is not a subject that is very popular among DD wives.  We all like to think of ourselves as the perfect little submissive wife, always loving and kind, serving with joy, and quick to obey.  

 
I do LOVE this quote
Okay!  Now that we got THAT load of crap piece of business out of the way...here's what really happens over here at the Smith residence.

We have been practicing ttwd for a little over 4 months.  It has been a tough road at times.  Last week I did a post expressing the frustration I was feeling.  John and I have also been talking about my need to 'feel' submissive to him.  We discussed things that he could do to help me with that.  One of the ideas was for him to create submissive exercises for me.  I We also came up with tasks that he could require such as pantiless days, or wearing lingerie under clothing to work, etc.  We had a nice little list to pick from.  

So Tuesday, HE decided that that I should participate in an exercise.  

Problem is HE did not check with ME before he went 'Off List'!  How could he do that?  I mean I understand that he can make whatever decisions he wants and he doesn't need my permission, BUT at the risk of being politically incorrect...HE NEVER HAS!  While I did want a submission exercise, I wanted something off the list.  So I stomped my feet a bit and mouthed off a bit and just carried a bit of an attitude.  

My exercise was to share a sexual fantasy.  

The problem with this exercise is that I DIDN'T LIKE IT!  Ok...that wasn't the only reason.  I have hidden away any and all sexual fantasies in the deep recesses of my mind.  I had convinced myself that they were bad and ugly and that they were never to be revealed.  I was sick.  I didn't want to let him down, but it was a betrayal of everything I knew to share this part of myself with him.  What if he thought it was too weird?  What if he couldn't look at me the same way again?  What if he realizes that I'm not exactly the person he married?  I realize that some of these are unfounded, but my heart was speaking much louder than my brain.

After some thought (and gentle encouragement from some friends) 

I realized that my HOH was growing and that I had to submit and complete the task he had given me.  John allowed two weeks to complete this task as it was something he knew would be difficult for me.  After some serious thought (and more encouragement from friends...what would I ever do without you all!) I decided that I wouldn't wait til the last minute like I wanted and I wouldn't take the easy way out of the task either.  I would do it soon and I would put my whole heart into his request.  

Yesterday My Love was pushing my submissive buttons.  We headed off to bed for some play time :)  While I was still bathing in the afterglow, I gathered all my courage and I told him my most prominent fantasy.  The one that I remember having in degrees from my childhood.  Okay...ready?





























Here we go....





























Deep Breath!





























ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Did you really think that if I kept something buried for over 15 years and struggled to share with my husband, my lover, my protector, my very best friend, my HOH that I was going to put it out there for the whole world!  My someday...but today is NOT that day.  I am not that brave yet!

Anyway...back to my story.  I revealed to him my greatest sexual desire.  He didn't freak.  He didn't run.  He just listened and got turned on!  So we moved on to extra innings, overtime, whatever you want to call it.  I felt so safe and loved.  He cared enough, loved enough, to push me out of my comfort zone in order to find out more about me, the real me.  Even more amazing to me was that he found out the real me and loved me anyway.  When I asked him what his thoughts were he responded, "You've been holding out on me!  I always knew you were a closet freak, but you've got boxes in there I didn't even know about!" 


I was off of work today.  I always love my day off.  I get to really catch up with friends, housework, friends, laundry, friends.  I text John as I do every morning when I wake up.  We chatted for a while then he said, you're home today, right?

yes....why?

Good!  Pantiless day!

What? but...we agreed that I would be given a little break because that was such a hard task for me and I completed it ahead of time!

No...you said that.  And this isn't anything hard like that

But...baby...

We could make it a no pants day as well if you like

No...no...

And with that I sent him a pic of my panties to prove that I had done it.
 
 We continued to text throughout the day and then it happened...the thing I knew would catch me eventually.  I used to pretend to be the 'good' one.  I was the 'innocent' one.  Now that I had revealed so much to him, how could I ever pick up that rouse again?  I struggled to wrap my brain around it all and I let John know that I was struggling.  His next text to me spoke volumes!  

You are still my sweet girl :)

It was simple, but exactly what I needed.  It showed me that my husband wasn't the same man he was 6 months ago.  He was my HOH.  He was in control.  What he requires may be uncomfortable and take me places I don't really want to go, but it is to make us better.  It is to strengthen the bond between us.  And when I am unsure, his voice and his guidance is all I need.  
































27 comments:

  1. Hey P :)

    You are a brave soul! And I understand and was shaking my head with everything you said....your fears...and wanting to be the "good" one. I hope you are very, very proud of yourself....amazing!

    Glad to read that you all are doing well :)

    Hugs...

    ~Lucy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brave Lucy? Well I don't know about that, but I was expertly lead :) We have our ups and downs (as you well know!), but he seems to be finding his stride.

      Hugs back at ya

      P

      Delete
  2. WOW! History said Pocahontas was brave! ;)
    I'm really impressed that you were able to let down those boundaries and share something I think most women keep well hidden. Sounds like things are working out well for you and John!
    Hugs, Catrinka

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are too kind Catrinka! It really was a great submission exercise and took a lot for me to submit, but it brought us to a greater intimacy, which is always the purpose.

      Hugs

      P

      Delete
  3. Way to go P! So very proud of you for sharing your fantasy with John. Sounds like it worked out very well. ;)

    Yup, sounds like John is growing into that HoH hat and cape and you are feeling much more secure in your role.

    Sheesh...was really looking forward to reading that fantasy...tease! LOL

    You two are doing great. Thank you for sharing this glimpse of your lovely journey.

    Blessings,
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL Cat! Perhaps one day...but I used all the bravery and courage I had to share with John! lol

      You know the funny thing is that I love his cape...it wraps around and provides safety and security for me. It's my safe place now and I don't ever want to leave :)

      Hugs

      P

      Delete
  4. That's really great P! It takes a great deal of courage to 'come out' with something like a sexual fantasy. I know from personal experience. Often it's something that your HOH has been waiting for for years! Then when you get into it, surprisingly, you look back and think "Well, what was all the fuss about. That was the greatest. Why didn't I tell him this before?!" So well done you!

    Pantiless, I don't know. Jeans have a tendency to rub! And we have snow again today so I wouldn't want to go back to a skirt for the day - too cold. Hmmm. I like the idea of it.... But the practicalities.... Now you've got me starting to giggle. A fly on the wall would think I've gone completely nuts! But then, if my HOH can tell me he prefers me to go nude in bed after all these years of wearing every nightie under the sun - then who am I to question a pantiless day. Maybe we should have a 'national' bloggers' pantiless day?! Now that would get the HOHs talking!!!

    Many hugs,

    Ami

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. National bloggers pantiless day Ami? Really? The HOH's out there don't need any help! LOL! And pantiless day was new for us, but the truth is...it was an amazing way to feel his dominance all day long, to know that he was thinking about me and what I needed to know that he was in control.

      Hugs back at ya

      P

      Delete
  5. Just a smiling along over here....:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just keep smiling Susie...just keep smiling while you can! LOL! Truth is once MM comes up with your exercises, you'll be screaming and crying and then smiling even bigger than before!

      Hugs

      P

      Delete
  6. Good for you!

    If you wouldn't mind, can you share some other submission exercises from your list? I am thinking that we may need to do this and I am not sure where to start.
    Thanks,
    Blue Bird

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are many things that make me feel submissive. They range from fairly vanilla to a bit more chocolate swirl :) There are things that John can do that make me melt instantly.

      Submission exercises are anything that will serve as a reminder of whose I am. So things you could do (however I will warn you that you'll be opening a can of worms and if your HOH is anything like mine, he may use your suggestions as a launch pad and come up with his own...which could be dangerous...amazing, but dangerous for you!), writing about a particular topic he assigns, having to clean a particular room or drawer or closet, having him pick out your panties (which was not on the original list, but something John has instated or outfit for the day), having skirt days. There are many others that you can come up with. You really are only limited by your own imagination.

      Good Luck

      P

      Delete
  7. Wow what a great growing story. Sometimes those HoH of ours amaze us. Thanks for sharing that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh he definitely amazed and surprised me Cathie! And I'm enjoying the closeness is has brought :)

      P

      Delete
  8. *Grins* it is totally yummy :) I love those texts, and messages and emails during the day with instructions, feels lovely, and keeps us soft.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MMMhmmm! Yummy and squirmy!...okay June! You're getting me off track...as usual! lol!

      Hugs

      P

      Delete
  9. Well I for one am happy you didn' t share your fantasy with us. Somethings can' t be unseen! *wink*

    Hope this Hoh upward swing continues for both you're sakes. Remember, this is what you wanted. Go with it. Think of it as labour ( God knows you are familar with that!)... it is painful, and scary dealing with, breathing through the contactions- but once you work with the contactions, you end up with something wonderful! Yup got to be one of my more disturbing analogizes for sure.

    Love ya! Willie

    Can't wait to read about pantiless skirt day!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Labor Willie? Really? Well I guess it is something I'm pretty familiar with! lol...

      Pantiless skirt days? You know John reads this! And I thought we were friends...

      Love ya too!

      P

      Delete
  10. WOW...good for both of you!!!! This is what it is all about!
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Abby! We've been having lots of fun :)

      Hugs

      P

      Delete
  11. Sorry I am late to this P. Wow! Sounds like John really is finding ways to keep the dynamic going. You are both growing in leaps and bounds :) Those texts and instructions are so yummy!

    Good on you for stepping out of your comfort zone. What a wonderful result :) Proud of you!

    Hugs,
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Roz! It was WAY out of my comfort zone, but he was right (sshhh! please don't tell him...he's been getting a big head about it) and it brought us closer :)

      Hugs

      P

      Delete
  12. It sounds like your both growing in your relationship choice!
    It's so nice when working on a DD dynamic that the communication skills become stronger, honesty opens up, intimacy deepens and our true selves shine through :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes BB! Yes, yes, yes, and yes! All of those things are making us closer and happier together.

      P

      Delete
  13. OMG - this stuff is SO difficult for me, too. Unless we have lots of wine around, lol.

    These are the things Will wants from me, too - my thoughts and desires. It's not like I'm not a very willing wife, and that we aren't freaky, lol - but actually saying it, revealing that much - I'm rather in awe of you.

    And I love how John said, "You are still his sweet girl."

    I need to move out of my comfort zone and just do these things for Will. Ugh. Help?

    PS - Love this post, sweetie. You two are inspirational!

    Elisa Xo

    ReplyDelete