See ya later...

As I said in my last post, around 2 weeks ago, things here at the Smith house are incredibly busy.  Nothing has changed on that front.  We are doing very well and ttwd is allowing our lives to run much smoother.  However, there's just not much time for this blog.  I do try to keep up with everyone's posts, but don't always make it around and don't think I've commented much either.  So I'm taking a break.  I'm not sure if or when I'll return to this blog, but I wanted to let everyone know how much I have appreciated all of your support over the last several months.  You've listened to me ramble and whine and laugh and cry.  You've given advice and sometimes just let me know that I wasn't alone.  For that I will forever be grateful.  Hugs!  And I hope to "see" you around :)

Just Popping In

Hello everyone!  I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day.  I'm sorry I haven't been able to post much lately and unfortunately it will probably not get much better.  We are crazy busy this time of year here at the Smith house.  The weather has finally gotten better and we are running the kids for sports most nights of the week.  Hopefully I'll be able to write soon.  Have a great week!

To Submit or Not

A conversation with a friend has led me to think on this subject. I mean to point no fingers at anyone, but more as a self examination. If it causes you to think about your own relationship, then I am glad to not be alone.

Submission is described by wikipedia as the acknowledgement of the legitimacy of the power of one's superior or superiors. That led me to look up the definition of superiors, which is defined as an individual or position at a higher level in the hierarchy than another (a "subordinate" or "inferior"), and thus closer to the apex. It is often used in business terminology to refer to people who are supervisors and in the military to people who are higher in the chain of command (Superior Officer). Superiors are given, sometimes supreme, authority over others in the control. When an order is given, one must follow that order and obey it or punishment may be issued.

The thing that stood out to me was the word given. The authority that a superior has is given to him/her, it can not be taken. I know that this isn't English class, but I have one more definition. One of the definitions of given is to be bestowed as a gift or presented. 

If you give a gift to someone, can you take it back? If you are given a gift and then later have it held over your head, was it really a gift? I have in the past been given a gift to later realize that it was payment for a deed to be expected later. It left me feeling like I would have rather went back in time and not accepted it. Is that how Daddy feels sometimes? Do I hold my submission as something to be earned and not something I freely give to him? I hope that is not how he feels, but I fear that there are times that is it exactly. 

Submission is not something that I can give and then take away and then give again based on the way I am feeling at that moment. How can he lead that way when he doesn't know from one day to the next if I will be behind him? I must decide the life I want to lead. To submit or not. And if I choose to submit then it must be a gift given once and for all. 

As HOH, the gift of submission that is given to me grants me the ability to control and to give "orders". The ability to give "orders" or tasks, chores, or assignments has become a daily event lately. Each task, chore or assignment is given with the intention to focus Baby Girl's attention on her gift of submission that she gave to me. Sometimes they push her further than she originally wanted to go, and sometimes they are regular things that I ask of her. The act of giving these also is a gift that I give to show my love and devotion to my Baby Girl and TTWD. As with any gift, much thought is put into these before they are given. The gift of being Baby Girl's HOH has given our marriage a new happiness.

Sheet 1 - Daddy 0

So the last few posts I have written have been a bit more serious than I like being on a regular basis.  So I thought I'd give you a glimpse into the lighter side of our life.

Last night, Daddy and I were laying in bed and he was fighting with the sheet.  It had somehow gotten all bunched up and his feet were hanging out.

 

We lay there a few minutes...

and 

I rolled over and in my sweetest voice

"Daddy...are you fighting with the sheets?"

"Yes!"



"Daddy...I think you're losing!"

I giggled for a long time after that...everytime he would kick the sheets.

Self Sabotage

I have so much swirling around in my head and I am desperately trying to get some of it out.  I have no idea where this post will end up or if it will make any sense at all, but I have to get all this stuff out of my brain.

This lifestyle has caused me to learn a lot about myself, most of it not so good.  There are things that have surfaced over the last several months that I desperately wish to change.  They will take time, I know that.    I am rather impatient with myself.  John tends to be more understanding.  He says that I have spent many years dealing with things a certain way and I can't change my way of thinking over night.  It's unfair to him.

I can't seem to get out of my own way.  I have difficulty communicating my needs to him for fear that they will be unmet and then I am frustrated from living with unmet needs, but now also hurt.  I know that if I don't tell him, he won't know, somehow that doesn't make it much easier.  I am trying.  It's usually after-the-fact that I realize that I have once again sabotaged myself.

Bahahaaha!

                                     

I often dwell on the worst possible outcome in situations.  If John is physically or mentally exerting himself during the day, I jump to the conclusion that he will not have anything left for me at the end of the day.  I let my mind run wild.  He doesn't care about me.  Not only am I on the bottom of his priority list, I wonder if I even make the list at all.  By the time I think to do the submissive thing and talk to him about it, it comes out as an accusation rather than a question or statement of my concern.  Why can I not trust that he thinks of me?  Why can I not trust that he cares for me?


 Why can I not just let go?    

I am aware that I am again asking questions that no one has the answers to.  The last while has brought a lot of self reflection and this is the only way I can sort through it all.  I apologize for the rambling and lack of clarity of this post.

Maybe I Just Need Too Much

Maybe this is just related to my control issues.  Not sure really.  Maybe our life is just too busy.  I need a lot of attention on a regular basis and tend to spiral when I don't get it.  I don't usually even realize it right away. It's usually not until things have deteriorated significantly that I look around and can see where I've fallen to. 

 

I've been known to be a bit high strung.  Translated in DD, high maintenance.  I hate that term.  It makes me feel like a car or something.  The other reason I hate that is it makes me needy.  I need John more than I have ever let myself believe or feel.  Have I always needed him?  Sure, to some degree, but I had convinced myself that I could take care of myself.  I was rarely hurt because I had little expectation.  If he paid attention to me it was nice, if not, I was alright.  Now if I don't receive that attention regularly I feel like I'm devastated.  I don't like it.

So what do I do?  How do I need him so desperately, yet not hold that expectation?  That control?  Is the need to control what is causing me so much pain?  Do I just need too much?  More than he is able to give right now?  

  

Controlling the Need to Control

It was finally a nice day.  After months of clouds and snow, the sun was shining so we decided to take the kids to the park to ride their scooters and get some fresh air.  Going to the park always makes me feel like a kid again.
It's not quite warm enough here yet, but I love to walk around barefoot and feel the green grass between my toes and the sunshine on my face.  I can't wait for summer.  It's my favorite time of the year.  To hear the kids laughing and splashing in the pool, feel the sun penetrating deep into my muscles and bones...

Sorry I tend to drift off when I think of summer.  Anyway, we had a nice peaceful walk/ride down the trail through the woods and enjoyed one another and the beautiful weather.

It was on our way home that it hit.  My incessant need to control things.  I never realized how bad it was until we started TTWD.  And I certainly didn't realize how hard a habit it would be to give up.  Okay, okay!  I realize that I was am in denial.

We were listening to satellite radio.  John was controlling the station.  Now we typically listen to similar music and both have somewhat eclectic tastes.  However, John occasionally listens to things that I don't like AT ALL.  I began to tease and poke fun at his choices.  When the song ended he started trolling the stations and I decided to "help" him find a better choice.  Well APPARENTLY that is NOT acceptable.  He immediately became visibly irritated with me and I quickly changed it back so he could continue trolling.  It was too late.

  

When we arrived home I was instructed to go to our room and wait for him.  He came in and sat on the bed opposite me and lectured on my control issues.  Assured me that it was not really about the radio, but about my unwillingness to relinquish control... Initially, I was defensive and tried to make it about the radio.  He continued to discuss my behavior and slowly,I began to see how devastating my actions have been to us.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as that realization settled on me.  He informed me that I would be corrected for it.  He was disappointed that even after such a strenuous spanking that morning, I was still unable or unwilling to fully submit to him.

After the kids are in bed, we will come back here and take care of this.

Already emotionally shaken, I curled up into his arms and laid there for a moment.

Can we do it now?

Are you asking me to spank you now?

Yes.  Please.  I'm so sorry I disappointed you and don't want to wait.  We can turn on the radio so the kids won't hear.  That phrase just dawned on me as ironic as that damn radio is the reason I was getting spanked! Please. 

Alright.  Get ready and into position.  

I cried through the whole thing.  Not because it hurt (which it did!  It was still sore from that morning's spanking), but because I had disappointed him.  That I had disappointed myself.  That I was destructive to our marriage and what we are trying to build.

My control issues are deeply ingrained in my brain.  I don't know how or if I will ever fully shake them.  They have served me well (ok...maybe not well, but I have managed to protect myself).  I'm sure with John's help I will learn to operate without them.


                                                                                                                                       

Surprises

I LOVE surprises!  Not the kind of "I have a surprise for you, but you'll have to wait" kind.  Those drive me crazy!  The "SURPRISE!" kind :)  Friday night I got a surprise.  My sister called and asked to keep the kids for the night.  Not one of the kids, or even two, or three, but ALL FOUR!!!!  SURPRISE!  Yay me!!!  It was already later in the evening so John and I were not going to have a traditional date night, but who needs traditional!

We were able to spend time reconnecting in our own special ways.  It was amazing.  We started by cuddling and snuggling on the couch.  We talked about us.  We read  a few blog posts and talked some more.  John has been exceptional lately.  He has really been showing up for us and it is making a huge difference.  I feel so loved and cherished and taken care of.

Anyway...back to our evening.  I love our children and so does John, but we also love when we get time alone.  There are things that we can do that are more than difficult when there are children in the house.  We get to explore our own home and one another.  Some time later we passed out in each other's arms totally sated and spent.

The next morning we awoke still intertwined in each other.  We lay there together and talked a bit.  Suddenly, his fists were full of my hair and I was pleasuring him.  Then I was placed in position and John was spanking me  I have a need for his touch during a spanking, any spanking regardless of the reason for it.  I wrap my arm into his leg and hold onto it like a lifeline.  Most of the time John wraps his non-spanking hand around my waist which provides more comfort to me than I think he even realizes.  It was delicious.  I started to struggle for my position and after a few more swats he took a break to rub.

Have you realized yet that I own your ass?



HUH?!  What happened to my meek and mild husband???  And did I mention how incredibly HOT that was?  So I answered in the only way that is appropriate in a moment like that

Yes Daddy

Then he continued to remind me of his dominance over me, of his love for me, of his devotion to us.  After he had pushed me passed my comfort level, he held me tight and comforted me.  I felt loved.  I felt owned.  I felt cared for.  He expressed his dominance and love in another form before I was off to make us breakfast.
It was a much needed time of reconnection for us both.  SURPRISE!

Just Keep Swimming

Things haven't changed much in the last week or so.  Things here are...well they just are.  It's probably just me.  I've been in a bit of a funk and can't seem to get out of it.  Maybe it's PMS...which is a real possibility, but I've about had it with that.  I am so super emotional that I started tearing up while watching Rise of the Guardians with John and the kids.  When Jack Frost finds his center and what his purpose is...Ugh!  Yep!  Probably hormones!  

Whatever the reason, there seems to be a cloud of sadness over me.  Oh there are occasional breaks in the cloud where the sun (and a smile and maybe even a laugh) can be seen (or heard), but just beyond my eyes is a dam ready to burst and a flood of tears that could well drown a city.  "I'm fine" has become my mantra once again.  Mind you John doesn't like it so well and I do try not to use it, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't.  

So what do you do when you don't feel like doing anything?

Mr. Grumpy Gills...I think that's me! 

6 Months And Counting

Today is our 6 month DDversary.  It has been an incredible journey.  The highs have been intoxicating and the lows...well I've gotten intoxicated on more than one occasion.  We have learned so much about each other.  We have gotten much closer.  This has been one of the  best things we have ever done.  

So I thought I try something different.  Thought maybe some of you would like to hear from John since you always get to hear my side of things.  Here we go:

1.  What is the biggest change you have seen in our relationship?

Our communication.  Before we never resolved anything, now we are able to talk things out until we are able to come to some sort of resolution.  It doesn't always come easy or right away, but it's worth it.  

2.  Where have you seen the greatest growth in yourself?

My decision-making.  I never made any decision concerning our family life other than my own personal life.  Now I am in the position that I need to make decisions that affect everyone's life.  I have to think things completely through and can't be rash in my thinking.

3.  What is the greatest growth you've seen in me?

Your submission.  You always took the lead and now you've put yourself in the position to follow me.

4.  What is an area that you feel needs the most improvement?

Being more thoughtful of you.  I need to make sure that I take time to focus on you and just you and what you need and what you want.  I need to be able to read your body language, to be able to understand you better so that I can be better for you.

5.  What is an area you feel I need the most improvement?

Attitude when things aren't going exactly your way.  You have a tendency to digress to your old ways when things aren't going according to plan.  It's not at all helpful to our new dynamic, but it's something that we're working on.  

Giving Up Control

I'm not really sure how to say what's on my mind.  Not sure how to really get it out, but I need somewhere to sort things out and you lucky folks get to be my sounding board.  So as I have done in the past, this is my disclaimer that this may not even make sense by the time I'm done.  You have been warned.

I thought I was doing well.  I thought we were doing well.  It seems as though after every hill we hurdle down (see my last post) we encounter another.  I am aware that this is just how life works sometimes and that especially in ttwd because there is so much to learn.  

See now?  Here's my problem...John is teaching my 'style' of learning!

I am experiencing some anxiety over our children.  Specifically where giving control over to John is concerned.  I do my best to defer to him in things regarding them, but I'm realizing that I don't trust him where they are concerned.  These fears are completely unfounded and he has never given me a reason to distrust him.  It's just that I have always taken care of them.  I have always handled all of the decisions about them.  

I want to let go and give him control.  I'm just struggling with it.  I want to trust John in all things.  Why is it that it's so difficult to give up control?  Why is that after every victory, there's another hill just waiting to hurl you down it?

I know that none of this is very unsubmissive and that it is counterproductive to what we are trying to build.  

  

Alone on the Roller Coaster

There are many exceptional advantages to living this lifestyle.  We have experienced things in TTWD that we never would have otherwise.  It also has its pitfalls.  I've used the analogy before, but it seems to fit so well.  My emotions seem to be on a roller coaster.  I did sign up for this.  I paid the entry fee, stood in line (patiently waiting), climbed into the car and strapped in for the ride.  This ride is an adventure.  It's full of twist and turns, ups and down, and even a few loops.

Have you ever ridden a coaster?  I have!  And I do love them!  There's a process to getting to the top of the big hill though.  Just like TTWD, it's not an immediate and smooth assent.  There are chains that pull you up and sometimes it can be a bit jerky and uncomfortable.  

There is a point though where the front car begins tipping over the hill.  You know what's happening, but are frozen...trapped and unable to stop the free fall that commences.  So you descend wildly.

That is precisely what happened this week.  We had been doing amazingly.  And the next thing I knew, as the car reached the top of the hill, I looked over and there was no one there.  I was alone.  John had checked out and we were not communicating effectively.

I don't operate well on my own.  I need John.  That was difficult for me to admit, but I do.  I need him everyday.  I need to physically feel his dominance in my life, but I also need to feel him emotionally.  I need him to be present with me.  I often hate that I have become so needy.  It's a hard place for me to be...needing him and him not being available to me.  

Sunday Morning Spankings

Sunday mornings have always been a source of stress for me.  Getting six people up and ready, all at the same time, and out the door in time for church is a feat.  As the organizer of our gaggle, I usually end up frustrated and stressed thus lashing out at someone for not sticking to the schedule.  

When everyone sticks to the schedule, you get a happy P

I awoke this morning having certain "needs".  I had dreamed all night about spankings and sex and was needing John's attention.  He is always so willing to indulge me in my frequent desires...lucky me!  

After we had spent some quality time together, I got up to shower and begin the circus act that is Sunday morning. John also got up and tended to the animals.  John and I have different ways of prioritizing...well the truth is that he used to ALWAYS be late.  Since beginning TTWD he is usually ready when we need to leave, but I'm having a hard time remembering that he isn't the same guy anymore.  Sometimes I still feel the need to "instruct" him on what he should be doing.  He was not thrilled with my "instructions" I was just trying to help!  I apologized for, in his words, "trying to take over".  Unfortunately it wasn't long until I was back to "instructing".  John was less than impressed. 

I abruptly turned to him while we were both in the bathroom getting ready and asked him to consider preemptive Sunday morning spankings.  He didn't say anything. We were back in our room getting dressed when I asked John what he thought.  He said, "Okay".  I began unraveling.  Okay???  I'm not really sure what that means.  He doesn't really care.  This isn't important to him.  He's already tired of dealing with me and my roller coaster emotions.  That's a lot of pressure on that little word.  

What?

Okay just sounds so dismissive, like you don't even care.  

That's not what I said.  

You didn't say anything.

What do you want?  A list of 10 things we will begin immediately...

No.  I just want you to care.

I do care!

You're right...it's just me.

Well that phrase ranks up there with "I'm fine!"  Apparently neither are acceptable answers anymore.  I often hear things negatively.  I think the worst and devalue myself...it has gotten me into some trouble and John has assured me that he will be vigilant in changing this mindset.  After a bit more discussion, he announced that we had time and with that I was bent over the bed...dressed in dress pants and black wedges, hair and makeup done.  

It was brief, hard and fast, but sufficiently adjusted my attitude and relieved my stress.  Back on my feet and clothing firmly back in place we left for church on time and in harmony.

Mother Nature Got Me Spanked!

As women we have needs...complicated needs.  We cry when we are sad, or happy, or nervous, or something affects our friends.  We laugh when we are happy, nervous, and some of us even make jokes when we are sad or uncomfortable.  We can be hormonal, affectionately known around these parts as HORRO MOANS!, and sometimes we go from laughing to crying to screaming in a matter of a few minutes.  It's no wonder that our men have a hard time deciphering what we need and when we need it.

Except putting the HOH on pause is highly discouraged and Prozac may not help, but a good spanking seems to do the trick!

So I have been INSANELY mildly hormonal this week, but mainly over the last few days.  It has been a really busy week and then the hormones added to the mix creating a very stressed out P.  I have done a pretty good job of keeping my attitude in check, but could feel it threatening on Friday.  I told John that I was struggling and he said he thought I had been very good all week.  I got a bit frustrated that I told him I needed help and he didn't understand.



Saturday morning we woke and talked while laying in bed.  John decided that a bit of discipline was in order to reconnect and reaffirm and to help keep my hormones in check.  After discipline we moved on to other forms of reconnection

Afterwards I showered and starting getting ready to tackle another busy day, but before we could get out the door John said something that I took the wrong way that is SO unlike me!  In an attempt pull me out of my funk John spanked me again only it just wasn't quite enough and I couldn't wouldn't ask for more so I spent the better part of the day being grumpy.

The next morning we woke and began our weekend morning chat.  I finally worked up the nerve to tell him what I needed, a really intense spanking and extremely dominant sex.  We didn't have time then and had to get up and get ready.  We had a good day and when we finally got back home he and I snuggled up together.  Then opportunity presented itself and the kids were going for a short visit to Grandma's house.

John gave me a deliciously intense spanking.  At one point I began to fight for my position and he spanked a few more times before stopping to rub a bit.  I intertwined my arm in his legs and he reassured me and told me how good I was doing.  As he continued past my comfort zone, Mother Nature and her horror moans were put in their place As spanking gave way to other dominating activities I was led into my happy place.  But I still believe "Mother Nature God Me Spanked!"

Moving Forward

Our relationship was awkward.  We didn't really know how to interact with one another.  It was almost like being roommates, but worse.  There was a distance...an unfamiliarity that had set in.  I cried myself to sleep most nights and cried most days too.  I was miserable and so was John.  We decided to give ourselves a deadline for making this decision.  We both agreed that living in this place of limbo was not good for either of us.

I let him know that I hoped that our "break" from TTWD would be temporary, but I also let him know that I was not saying I would jump right back in.  We talked a lot.  We discussed what our life together would look like without TTWD.  We talked about the parts of TTWD we were unwilling to let go of regardless of the decision that was made.  He didn't know if he could be the HOH, the dominant, I'm aware that some of you don't like that word...sorry, the leader that I needed him to be.  He feared that I would never be happy without TTWD.  I feared the same thing about the both of us.  He had once admitted that before TTWD he wasn't happy with our life and his role in it.  We had a good marriage before TTWD, but post TTWD had realized that there was so much more available and in comparison...maybe it wasn't so good.

We went back and forth for several days.  Some days almost seemed normal and we would both pretend to ignore the elephant in the room, but somehow the feeling that we had lost something would creep back in.  Some days it felt as though the elephant had found a nice comfy place to sit...right on my chest.

One evening as we were discussing what each of us needed, he came to the realization that   TTWD allows us to be better people.  It allows us to be better as a couple.  He talked of his needs, he talked of my needs...and then he had made his decision.  He wanted this.  I sat there for a moment feeling a bit stunned.  It had taken me off guard as we were well within our "time limit".  And then it was my turn.  He knew I wanted this too, but was I willing to be vulnerable to him?  It's the only way it would work.  I said that it would take me some time to open up again.  That I would need him to be patient with me and he asked the same of me.

Things have been great between us.  He is attentive and loving and stern and resolved.  It's different than it was before.  He's different.  I'm different.  He is taking the lead and putting rules and consequences in place for the betterment of our relationship.  We've kept the things that worked before and scrapped the things that didn't.  So we are moving forward together.  Him leading the way and me right behind him.

The Smallest Gestures Speak Loudest to the Heart

I know that I have not yet responded to my last two posts and I promise to do so shortly.  I do appreciate all of your kind words, emails, phone calls, and chats.  


He had come home sick that day, which was something he never did.  I ran around taking care of the everyday tasks, kids' homework, picking up the house, and making dinner, as he lay on the couch.  I had stopped by the grocery to pick up what I needed to make him homemade chicken noodle soup, his favorite when he's ill.  I made his bowl of soup and delivered it to the couch along with a cold glass of Sprite.  

After we had eaten he laid back down on the couch and I knelt beside him on the floor.  We talked a bit and then settled in to watch some television.  I turned around and sat with my back resting against the couch.  He reached up and grabbed the hair that was piled on top of my head.  Slowly, he loosed it from the band and let it fall around my shoulders.    He began to run his fingers through it.  With each stroke I relaxed a little more.    It was a small gesture, but the effect was enormous.  I felt loved and appreciated.  The gesture probably meant more to me because he wasn't feeling his best, yet he chose to take care of me.  It didn't take much effort physically, but the effect was great. 





As I later spoke to a friend about it she said, "The smallest gestures speak loudest to the heart."  I'd like you to read that sentence again.  That simple sentence spoke volumes to me.  It has changed my perspective.  It is something I hope to always remember.  Every relationship requires effort, but it is the small gestures, when done with great love, that will leave a lasting impact on both the giver and the receiver.  






John and I have discussed things.  There were times that I "talked at" him and he has "talked at" me, but we refuse to stop talking.  We are communicating now and will continue to do so.  We are moving forward in this thing we do.  I hope to write about everything that has happened over the last week soon, but for now I am not up to it.  

The Past is Never Where You Left It Part 2

**Disclaimer**  In case you didn't read the previous post  I will offer the same disclaimer.  My emotions are still very raw and I am very confused.  This post may be disjointed though I tried to make it make sense.  

I have certain insecurities that have plagued me for a long time.  For much of our marriage these insecurities have done tremendous damage.  Though I didn't realize it at the time, those insecurities were responsible for much of my anger.  Over the last 2-3 years I have worked through those issues, or so I thought.  In the process of becoming vulnerable and opening myself up to John those insecurities have resurfaced.  I suppose I should have expected it, but I thought I had dealt with those things.  

When the inconsistency started this past week I began to feel those insecurities creep up.  I felt like I was alone and that I was only good for sex...  I felt like my needs had become a burden and were unimportant.  I tried to express my feelings and my needs to John, but he was having trouble understanding where I was coming from.  With every passing day I spiraled further and further.  

We sat one evening trying to communicate.  We talked again about what I needed from him as my Dominant.  We discussed our roles again.  I began to cry.  He began to blame himself and then got up and left the room.  I was hurt...  I couldn't believe that he had left me crying and so I went after him.  Angry once again, I demanded that he come back and finish our conversation.  

I asked why he had left me crying again (this was not the first time this week) when prior to ttwd he wouldn't have left.  He told me that he couldn't face me when he felt that he was the cause of my pain.  What I heard was he chose to protect himself rather than protect me.  

I read to him the Dominant's Creed.  He said that he felt that he was failing miserably after reading that again.  After laying it all out there I again asked the question I dreaded hearing the answer to.

I am crazy and wild.  I can be stubborn and opinionated.  I have serious insecurities that sometimes require special attention.  I am sarcastic and sometimes take things too far.  Can you deal with me?  With all of me?  Can you meet my needs?  Can you be my Dominant?

I don't know.  

Then I respectfully withdraw my consent.

I didn't do it out of anger.  I didn't do it out of hurt feelings.  I didn't do it to make him feel bad or to force his hand.  I did it because I don't feel that I can submit to someone who says they don't know if they can be my Dominant.  It has been a few days since I withdrew my consent and I still don't really know where it leaves us.  I truly hope that this is temporary.  

This is a place I don't understand.  It is a foreign land.  Our relationship is awkward.  Some moments I see peeks of us and others it feels as though we are strangers living under the same rough.  I still love John with all of heart, my heart is breaking...

The Past is Never Where You Left It...Part 1

**Disclaimer** This is a two part post.  That being said I am still rather raw and somewhat emotional and this post may not make any sense at all.  You have been warned!

How true is that?  Well it may or may not be for you, but for me it seems that the past never stays in the past for long.  John and I have been together for a long time which means that we have a lot of history.  When we first started ttwd, we decided to have a "cleansing", a spanking that would give us the fresh start and clean slate we both needed.  Unfortunately, I don't know that it worked.

Everything was going great.  Okay!  We've been on this crazy roller coaster since day 1.  Things were going well, but things started to fizzle out.  He wasn't as attentive and I was losing the grip on my submission.  

We had a sitter for the evening and we were going to talk about ttwd.  It wasn't going well.  We both became angry.  And there it was...one of the issues from our cleansing.  It came hurdling at me so quickly that I didn't have time to duck or dodge it.  It sucker punched me.  I felt as though the air had been sucked from the room and I couldn't catch my breath.  

I completely lost my submission and became forceful and demanded a decision about ttwd.  I told him that this was not a lifestyle that we had to agreed to live part-time.  I asked him if this was something he wanted, really wanted for us.  He said that it was.  I asked if it was something that he was willing to do, even when it was hard and even when he wasn't feeling the best.  He thought for a while.  If I'm honest, which I do endeavor to be, I was afraid he wouldn't want to continue.  Finally, he said that it was something he was willing to put in the time for.  He wanted this to work and said he realized that it had to be 24/7 or it wouldn't.  I said that he needed to start taking the lead in all things, and that included the conversation we were having.  So I stopped talking and waited...

He stood up and grabbed my hand and told me to come with him.  I was half drug down the stairs as he had wrapped my arm around his waist and walking down the stairs was awkward.  Once in our room he began undoing the button on my jeans and I told him that I didn't mean that we needed to have sex.

However, those were not his plans and I was bent over the bed and spanked.  Afterwards, I snuggled up on is chest, but he had not finished with me.  He proceeded to fulfill the fantasy from my first ever submission exercise!  It was so amazing!  He was amazing!  We proceeded to spend the rest of the evening just being together.  We watched a movie and had dinner.  It was a great night.

Later in the weekend he said that he wanted to begin "keeping good girls good" spankings on a regular basis and that we would start by doing it every other night.  Unfortunately, that has not yet happened.  I'm sure you know the turmoil that inconsistency and not following through cause.  Thus was the beginning of the downward spiral...

HOH Emerging

I knelt in front of him as he lay on the couch and laid my head on his chest.  He wrapped his arm around me and began rubbing my back. 

It was nice...until it wasn't.  It was as if the earth began to shake and crack under us...well under me. 

 

The distance hit hard.  He hadn't said anything or done anything, but it was there.  I got up and sat down on my end of the couch and began to play with my phone.  He talked about the show that was on television and I snapped.  "I really don't care right now!"  He said nothing for a while.  Then he asked what was going on with me.  I said nothing.  Then I fell asleep.

He woke me to get ready for bed and and when we had settled in he asked if I was just tired or if something else was going on.  He said I seemed distant.  I told him that I felt distant, but really didn't know why.  Then I broke one of our MAJOR rules.  I rolled over and went to sleep. 

I awoke this morning and text him, which is our normal.  He tried again to reach me.  I blocked him at every turn.  I couldn't understand what was going on myself.  I had no idea what to tell him.  I wasn't intentionally shutting down, I was just confused.

I talked with a friend who helped me figure out what was going on.  Well, a lot is going on.  John is still not feeling that great so things are a bit...slow.  We had a great week last week.  He was issuing tasks to keep me in my sub state of mind, but that has slowed as well.  His illness is taking its toll on us both.  To the best of my recollection it has been about 6 weeks since my last spanking.

John said that we would deal with my breach of our rules once he got home and would make sure I was back to my soft and peaceful self.

What does that mean?

It means I will make sure you are back in your sub frame of mind.

How do you plan to do that?

You'll see.

We went back and forth via text for a bit.  And finally he said

I'll take you there, if you'll let me.

I don't really feel like an adventure right now...

Fine.  Then go get the clamps and put them on.

Are you serious?

Yes.

For how long?

Til I say.

Oh man!  What WAS I thinking when I bought those?  So off I went to attach the lovely clamps...OW!  They hurt like hell!

Now, I want you to think about why we do TTWD.

So I did.  Why do we do it?  We do it to make US better, to strengthen the bond and intimacy between us.  We continued to text back and forth and finally he said

There's my good girl...you've been hiding from me.  

And with that, I melted :)