Sunday, February 24, 2013

The Past is Never Where You Left It Part 2

**Disclaimer**  In case you didn't read the previous post  I will offer the same disclaimer.  My emotions are still very raw and I am very confused.  This post may be disjointed though I tried to make it make sense.  


I have certain insecurities that have plagued me for a long time.  For much of our marriage these insecurities have done tremendous damage.  Though I didn't realize it at the time, those insecurities were responsible for much of my anger.  Over the last 2-3 years I have worked through those issues, or so I thought.  In the process of becoming vulnerable and opening myself up to John those insecurities have resurfaced.  I suppose I should have expected it, but I thought I had dealt with those things.  

When the inconsistency started this past week I began to feel those insecurities creep up.  I felt like I was alone and that I was only good for sex...  I felt like my needs had become a burden and were unimportant.  I tried to express my feelings and my needs to John, but he was having trouble understanding where I was coming from.  With every passing day I spiraled further and further.  

We sat one evening trying to communicate.  We talked again about what I needed from him as my Dominant.  We discussed our roles again.  I began to cry.  He began to blame himself and then got up and left the room.  I was hurt...  I couldn't believe that he had left me crying and so I went after him.  Angry once again, I demanded that he come back and finish our conversation.  

I asked why he had left me crying again (this was not the first time this week) when prior to ttwd he wouldn't have left.  He told me that he couldn't face me when he felt that he was the cause of my pain.  What I heard was he chose to protect himself rather than protect me.  

I read to him the Dominant's Creed.  He said that he felt that he was failing miserably after reading that again.  After laying it all out there I again asked the question I dreaded hearing the answer to.

I am crazy and wild.  I can be stubborn and opinionated.  I have serious insecurities that sometimes require special attention.  I am sarcastic and sometimes take things too far.  Can you deal with me?  With all of me?  Can you meet my needs?  Can you be my Dominant?

I don't know.  

Then I respectfully withdraw my consent.

I didn't do it out of anger.  I didn't do it out of hurt feelings.  I didn't do it to make him feel bad or to force his hand.  I did it because I don't feel that I can submit to someone who says they don't know if they can be my Dominant.  It has been a few days since I withdrew my consent and I still don't really know where it leaves us.  I truly hope that this is temporary.  

This is a place I don't understand.  It is a foreign land.  Our relationship is awkward.  Some moments I see peeks of us and others it feels as though we are strangers living under the same rough.  I still love John with all of heart, my heart is breaking...


27 comments:

  1. Wow sweetie. I understand the insecurities, though I can't imagine the pain you are feeling right now. Please let me know if you need anything. You are in my thoughts.

    Lots of hugs,
    TL

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    1. Thanks TL. We are in a better place now, though my insecurities remain an issue.

      Hugs

      P

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  2. Oh honey. So sorry. He was being honest and you did what you had to do for you. I hope you both find the words and actions that will bring you both what you want. Blessings to you.

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    1. Thanks Sunnygirl. We are finding a way to better communicate and are working together to build the relationship we want.

      P

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  3. Hugs, I think you did the right thing..taking a break, giving you both a chance to think, and eventually talk. I know this must be very painful for you
    hugs abby

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    1. I know that everyone will not agree with me and I wouldn't recommend it as it could backfire, but the break was what we needed to be able to think about to everything without pressure. We could both evaluate what it is that we want out of our marriage.

      Hugs

      P

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  4. I'm sorry for your pain and hope the two of you will be communicating again soon. Take care.

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  5. Hope you can work things out and get back to a better place Hugs

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    1. We are working on trazuredpet. Thank you!

      Hugs

      P

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  6. Awww P, I'm so sorry for your pain. No criticism intended but have you tried looking at this from his POV? By withdrawing consent, you basically told him he's not allowed to have doubts. Honey, he's human and we all have doubts. Maybe you have already done this, but if not, ask him what it is he wants and what is causing his doubts. Sending positive thoughts that everything works out well for you and John.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Not to be contentious, P, but I agree with Cat here. I would talk to him. Maybe the situation was overwhelming for him and "I don't know" was a gut response? We're all here for you and pray that this situation will be resolved in a happy way. Email me anytime you want to talk, okay?

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    2. Cat,

      As always thanks for your input. We have discussed this at length and are in a better place now.

      Christina,

      I honestly think we had both come to a place that we were overwhelmed and needed some time to process. Thank you for talking with me and just allowing me to vent a bit

      Hugs to you both

      P

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  7. Oh sweetie, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through and hope the two of you can find a way back to communicating and back to each other soon.

    (((hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. We are communicating and have found our way "home" :)

      Hugs

      P

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  8. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Getting ttwd right is tough. Try to remember you are both learning. Neither of you is going to get it perfectly right now. Both of you need room to make mistakes and learn from them. I'm saying this not from experience in ttwd but just life and new things in general. You're in my thoughts. Take care. Robin

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    1. Thanks Robin. We are both communicating our needs and working together to build the marriage we want.

      P

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  9. I'm sorry I don't have much advice. Wait until you're both calm and communicate with each other.
    Big hugs,
    Elle

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    1. We have talked and in a much better place

      Thanks for the hugs Elle...I needed them :)

      P

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  10. P,

    The first thing I noticed here is that old, hard, painful stuff is coming up in your marriage. MM and I know all about that...and it doesn't go away with a new way of relating in marriage. One of the things we agreed on straight up was that no matter what happened with us, we wouldn't use ttwd as a way of burying our old stuff. If and when we needed help we would find a therapist and use them. I'm not saying that's what you need, it's just that the old stuff can be so overwhelming.

    Why does there need to be a set way for him to be your dominant? That is a BIG word and just about as intimidating for men as being "submissive" is for some of us women. P, what would it look like if you let go of all the control and put your trust in him, told him that you believed in him and however he wants to lead, you will follow? What kind of confidence would that endow in him, to quietly start with his own expectations and then as you restart ttwd, to begin talking about your needs and slowly let him learn how to meet them. Could you trust him that much b/c it really seems like he tries and he wants this? Giving up control and our own set expectations is really hard for most of us women, but to be the submissive partner we have to learn how to. We don't become doormats, I sure don't mean that but we put ourselves in a position where they are allowed to find their footing in ttwd.

    I hope I haven't upset you. I know this is really hard and confusing.

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    1. You have not upset me Susie :) It does seem that this lifestyle has allowed old things to surface. While I don't disagree that I can be a control freak (just as John! lol) We needed to discuss our needs and more clearly articulate what we could each do to meet the needs of our partner, especially since we are dealing with old issues.

      Thank you for your support and willingness to share.

      Hugs

      P

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  11. Oh, honeybunch. I'm so sorry, and I do understand. Please email any time if you need to talk.

    I just want to say that Will and I do not use any labels other than husband and wife, or hot guy and sexy girl. :)

    We don't have to 'be' a certain thing - we just decided to understand one another, or really try to, to listen and learn from what we hear in each others voices, actions and hearts. We only subscribe to ttwd as it pertains to the love, support, respect and forgiveness required of both spouses.

    Will leads, but we are only successful with my support of his leadership.

    We have no rules, no maintenance, no chores, nothing like that.

    I'm wondering if a different form of ttwd might also work for you? I feel that you are only trying to connect with him, doing your very best to meet the challenge of vulnerability to your husband, of transparency and authenticity. It seems from what you write, that he is trying to meet your needs, to find you, to be there - and it's a very difficult journey for both parties sometimes.

    You can be 'submissive' (ugh, I really hate that word, though!) to him through simple things like listening, caring for him, giving him space, having sex and respecting and valuing his opinion. And hugging him, giving him a long kiss goodbye and when he comes home. Right? Things I am sure that you already do.

    It doesn't have to be about being a "Dominant" or a "Submissive" but rather striving to be the best P to John that you can be, based on his needs, and the same for him, for you.

    Actually, Susie said it much better.

    All kinds of love to you both.

    Elisa Xo

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    1. Thank you Elisa. We are working through this together and finding our way through this.

      P

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  12. Hey, girl. Just followed you here and did some reading. I'm a bit late, but wanted to add my two cents.

    I'm not certain how long you all have been at this, but it took my husband the better part of nine years to really, truly come into himself as my dominant. A lot of that was me, introducing a concept and waiting for him to care enough to learn about it himself. He wasn't going to.

    It took me a while to work that out too - that we had to actually TALK a lot about it to get where we were both happy with the dynamic. We were HAPPY, I just wanted more kink, wanted him to lead a little more. Now he mostly leads by telling me to lead. Which is not quite what I had in mind to begin with, but.... he manages to make it feel like a service to him.

    Everything Elisa said - except that I don't hate the word submissive. :) The fact is, "I don't know" is not a "no," it sounds like a "I'm willing to try." But he has to know your expectations, what YOU want out of his dominance, and you have to know that being dominant is really just being fully himself.

    I understand how much these things can break your heart when you think they're not going right... but I've been there enough to know that sometimes it's just us tying ourselves in knots because it's not moving fast enough or the way we thought it would.

    I feel for you.

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    1. Thanks Conina. We are communicating better now and will continue to do so. We are both working at expressing our needs fully to one another. Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement.

      P

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  13. All I can say is to listen to Susie, Cat and Elisa. And listen to your two hearts. They need to be beating in harmony. Keep up the communication - that's so important.

    I don't really care for the words dominant and submissive. Could you use different words like leader and lover? You need to be working together and I think you recognise this.

    I hope you find some neutral ground in order to discuss this.

    Many hugs

    Ami

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    1. We are continuing to communicate and are both working very hard to build a life that we are both happy in :)

      Hugs

      P

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