**Disclaimer** In case you didn't read the previous post I will offer the same disclaimer. My emotions are still very raw and I am very confused. This post may be disjointed though I tried to make it make sense.
I have certain insecurities that have plagued me for a long time. For much of our marriage these insecurities have done tremendous damage. Though I didn't realize it at the time, those insecurities were responsible for much of my anger. Over the last 2-3 years I have worked through those issues, or so I thought. In the process of becoming vulnerable and opening myself up to John those insecurities have resurfaced. I suppose I should have expected it, but I thought I had dealt with those things.
When the inconsistency started this past week I began to feel those insecurities creep up. I felt like I was alone and that I was only good for sex... I felt like my needs had become a burden and were unimportant. I tried to express my feelings and my needs to John, but he was having trouble understanding where I was coming from. With every passing day I spiraled further and further.
We sat one evening trying to communicate. We talked again about what I needed from him as my Dominant. We discussed our roles again. I began to cry. He began to blame himself and then got up and left the room. I was hurt... I couldn't believe that he had left me crying and so I went after him. Angry once again, I demanded that he come back and finish our conversation.
I asked why he had left me crying again (this was not the first time this week) when prior to ttwd he wouldn't have left. He told me that he couldn't face me when he felt that he was the cause of my pain. What I heard was he chose to protect himself rather than protect me.
I read to him the Dominant's Creed. He said that he felt that he was failing miserably after reading that again. After laying it all out there I again asked the question I dreaded hearing the answer to.
I am crazy and wild. I can be stubborn and opinionated. I have serious insecurities that sometimes require special attention. I am sarcastic and sometimes take things too far. Can you deal with me? With all of me? Can you meet my needs? Can you be my Dominant?
I don't know.
Then I respectfully withdraw my consent.
I didn't do it out of anger. I didn't do it out of hurt feelings. I didn't do it to make him feel bad or to force his hand. I did it because I don't feel that I can submit to someone who says they don't know if they can be my Dominant. It has been a few days since I withdrew my consent and I still don't really know where it leaves us. I truly hope that this is temporary.
This is a place I don't understand. It is a foreign land. Our relationship is awkward. Some moments I see peeks of us and others it feels as though we are strangers living under the same rough. I still love John with all of heart, my heart is breaking...