Saturday, February 23, 2013

The Past is Never Where You Left It...Part 1

**Disclaimer** This is a two part post.  That being said I am still rather raw and somewhat emotional and this post may not make any sense at all.  You have been warned!


How true is that?  Well it may or may not be for you, but for me it seems that the past never stays in the past for long.  John and I have been together for a long time which means that we have a lot of history.  When we first started ttwd, we decided to have a "cleansing", a spanking that would give us the fresh start and clean slate we both needed.  Unfortunately, I don't know that it worked.

Everything was going great.  Okay!  We've been on this crazy roller coaster since day 1.  Things were going well, but things started to fizzle out.  He wasn't as attentive and I was losing the grip on my submission.  

We had a sitter for the evening and we were going to talk about ttwd.  It wasn't going well.  We both became angry.  And there it was...one of the issues from our cleansing.  It came hurdling at me so quickly that I didn't have time to duck or dodge it.  It sucker punched me.  I felt as though the air had been sucked from the room and I couldn't catch my breath.  

I completely lost my submission and became forceful and demanded a decision about ttwd.  I told him that this was not a lifestyle that we had to agreed to live part-time.  I asked him if this was something he wanted, really wanted for us.  He said that it was.  I asked if it was something that he was willing to do, even when it was hard and even when he wasn't feeling the best.  He thought for a while.  If I'm honest, which I do endeavor to be, I was afraid he wouldn't want to continue.  Finally, he said that it was something he was willing to put in the time for.  He wanted this to work and said he realized that it had to be 24/7 or it wouldn't.  I said that he needed to start taking the lead in all things, and that included the conversation we were having.  So I stopped talking and waited...

He stood up and grabbed my hand and told me to come with him.  I was half drug down the stairs as he had wrapped my arm around his waist and walking down the stairs was awkward.  Once in our room he began undoing the button on my jeans and I told him that I didn't mean that we needed to have sex.

However, those were not his plans and I was bent over the bed and spanked.  Afterwards, I snuggled up on is chest, but he had not finished with me.  He proceeded to fulfill the fantasy from my first ever submission exercise!  It was so amazing!  He was amazing!  We proceeded to spend the rest of the evening just being together.  We watched a movie and had dinner.  It was a great night.

Later in the weekend he said that he wanted to begin "keeping good girls good" spankings on a regular basis and that we would start by doing it every other night.  Unfortunately, that has not yet happened.  I'm sure you know the turmoil that inconsistency and not following through cause.  Thus was the beginning of the downward spiral...

16 comments:

  1. Glad to read you guys reconnected so well. Sorry you had to get into such an uncomfortable place to get back to the good place again. My husband and I are also just starting a dd relationship and frequently (about half the time) I feel like we're back to where we were before we started. I think you just have to keep hammering away at it. Those old patterns are pretty well engrained and slipping back into them is easy and frustrating. I've read several times from seasoned dders it takes years to get it right. Patience is the number one skill I seem to need. Take care. Robin

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    1. Thanks Robin and welcome! I was just looking back through some old posts and it seems as though there's a happy one, then a sad one, then a happy one...I feel like a yo-yo!

      Good luck to you as you two begin this journey. I'm sure you've already realized the amazing group of ladies (and men) that exist here.

      Hugs

      P

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  2. Something worth having is worth hanging in there for...I know it is not easy. hugs abby

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    1. Yes it is Abby! And no it isn't! lol

      Hugs

      P

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  3. Ugh! I don't think they realize how much out hearts get totally wrapped up in the trust we give them and when they get it right, our hearts soar. We hold onto that trust with such hope but it's like cradling a live chick in our hands. We are so careful...and a bit scared. When they fall back down, it hurts like nothing else...and I know for us, it took my husband a while to really get how much that hurt. I'm also incredibly fortunate as it has only happened a few times.

    I hope part 2 is a bit better. Hang in there P...keep talking and trying to find that place where you yield a bit. When we turn into rocks on them, it's a lot easier to walk around us than it is to talk to us.

    Wow...that was a lot of mixed metaphors. Sorry about that.

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    1. *WARNING**WARNING** METAPHOR OVERLOAD!

      LOL! Just kidding ;)

      You hit the nail on the head (sorry...) As I said to Robin, I feel like a yo-yo. Elation to despair in 5 seconds flat!

      Thanks for the support...it's times like these I don't know what I'd do without this community

      Hugs

      P

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  4. Sorry things aren't going the way you thought but remember to be flexible and most of all remember that he is the HOH and he makes the decisions.

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    1. :w) That's my wrinkled up nose face that I use when John says something I don't particularly care for! lol

      But alas, you are right that I have to learn to respect the decisions he makes even when I don't like them.

      Hugs

      P

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  5. If there is one nugget of information I wish all HoHs knew intrinsically, it would be that they have to act consistently. Ian was recently dictating a letter to a beginning HoH (and of course I was typing it for him) and he brought up consistency. He said something to the effect that when "they (meaning we TiHs) give our consent, they are also placing their trust in us (husbands) that we will take the lifestyle seriously and ALWAYS follow through." He said, "A rule broken is a consequence determined."

    I found that very interesting because in the beginning my Mr. HoH was Mr. Inconsistent and I remember feeling the oddest sensation of relief, and then simmering anger that would quickly boil over and become a much bigger mess than if things were dealt with as I trusted they would be.
    I realized typing for him how much he had learned about that part of things.
    What I am saying, P, is they are learning. Try not to be too discouraged.
    I took the advice of experienced people and talked calmly and respectfully to Ian about how it made me feel, because I was as surprised as he was. I remember him saying that he didn't think it would have any effect on me at all, but once he understood what was being jeopardized, he took it much more seriously.
    Good luck, sweetie.
    And I am really glad that John fulfilled your longings. Focusing on that and showing him your love there is a good prelude to the discussion about following through. In my opinion only, sweetie.
    hugs and love
    lillie

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    1. Hugs Lillie! There is so much truth in there. I keep reminding myself that we're both learning.

      Oh that was a fun night! Can't wait to do that again :)

      Hugs

      P

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  6. And OMG, P - if Ian ever promised me "good girl fun stuff (with feathers) every other night, I would get it in writing and have it notarized." ;) After all, a contract is a contract.

    hugs
    lillie

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    1. ROFLMAO! Oh Lillie you are too funny and I want you to know how much I needed a laugh when this originally came through!

      Hugs

      P

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  7. I came to read the post(s) after your email. You know, P, its okay to remind him about the "keeping good girls good" events he had wanted to institute every other night. Reminding, in a respectful way, is not infringing on his authority as the HoH. I wouldn't nag, just remind that he had said it (in case he got busy or distracted and just forgot), and was he going to still give it? If he says yes, then you've reminded him, if he says no, then you need to accept his decision and perhaps talk about it. My opinion.

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    1. Thanks Christina! I appreciate your advice...accepting a decision I don't like is...well it just plain sucks! I know, I know! Not the most submissive thing I've ever felt lol! We continue to communicate...it's all we've got

      P

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