I can't seem to get out of my own way. I have difficulty communicating my needs to him for fear that they will be unmet and then I am frustrated from living with unmet needs, but now also hurt. I know that if I don't tell him, he won't know, somehow that doesn't make it much easier. I am trying. It's usually after-the-fact that I realize that I have once again sabotaged myself.
I often dwell on the worst possible outcome in situations. If John is physically or mentally exerting himself during the day, I jump to the conclusion that he will not have anything left for me at the end of the day. I let my mind run wild. He doesn't care about me. Not only am I on the bottom of his priority list, I wonder if I even make the list at all. By the time I think to do the submissive thing and talk to him about it, it comes out as an accusation rather than a question or statement of my concern. Why can I not trust that he thinks of me? Why can I not trust that he cares for me?
Why can I not just let go?
I am aware that I am again asking questions that no one has the answers to. The last while has brought a lot of self reflection and this is the only way I can sort through it all. I apologize for the rambling and lack of clarity of this post.