Self Sabotage

I have so much swirling around in my head and I am desperately trying to get some of it out.  I have no idea where this post will end up or if it will make any sense at all, but I have to get all this stuff out of my brain.

This lifestyle has caused me to learn a lot about myself, most of it not so good.  There are things that have surfaced over the last several months that I desperately wish to change.  They will take time, I know that.    I am rather impatient with myself.  John tends to be more understanding.  He says that I have spent many years dealing with things a certain way and I can't change my way of thinking over night.  It's unfair to him.

I can't seem to get out of my own way.  I have difficulty communicating my needs to him for fear that they will be unmet and then I am frustrated from living with unmet needs, but now also hurt.  I know that if I don't tell him, he won't know, somehow that doesn't make it much easier.  I am trying.  It's usually after-the-fact that I realize that I have once again sabotaged myself.

Bahahaaha!

                                     

I often dwell on the worst possible outcome in situations.  If John is physically or mentally exerting himself during the day, I jump to the conclusion that he will not have anything left for me at the end of the day.  I let my mind run wild.  He doesn't care about me.  Not only am I on the bottom of his priority list, I wonder if I even make the list at all.  By the time I think to do the submissive thing and talk to him about it, it comes out as an accusation rather than a question or statement of my concern.  Why can I not trust that he thinks of me?  Why can I not trust that he cares for me?


 Why can I not just let go?    

I am aware that I am again asking questions that no one has the answers to.  The last while has brought a lot of self reflection and this is the only way I can sort through it all.  I apologize for the rambling and lack of clarity of this post.