Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Giving Up Control

I'm not really sure how to say what's on my mind.  Not sure how to really get it out, but I need somewhere to sort things out and you lucky folks get to be my sounding board.  So as I have done in the past, this is my disclaimer that this may not even make sense by the time I'm done.  You have been warned.

 I thought I was doing well.  I thought we were doing well.  It seems as though after every hill we hurdle down (see my last post) we encounter another.  I am aware that this is just how life works sometimes and that especially in ttwd because there is so much to learn.  
See now?  Here's my problem...John is teaching my 'style' of learning!


I am experiencing some anxiety over our children.  Specifically where giving control over to John is concerned.  I do my best to defer to him in things regarding them, but I'm realizing that I don't trust him where they are concerned.  These fears are completely unfounded and he has never given me a reason to distrust him.  It's just that I have always taken care of them.  I have always handled all of the decisions about them.  

 I want to let go and give him control.  I'm just struggling with it.  I want to trust John in all things.  Why is it that it's so difficult to give up control?  Why is that after every victory, there's another hill just waiting to hurl you down it?

 I know that none of this is very unsubmissive and that it is counterproductive to what we are trying to build.  
  
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18 comments:

  1. JuliaMarch 27, 2013 at 2:39 PM

    Well I can't tell you what to do or anything, but I can tell you how it is in our house. I am the main person when it comes to our children. Like last weekend, he thought one of them would earn a spanking the next time she did something specific again, and I told him that I don't think that is warranted, since he hadn't even done time out yet. However, I don't get rude, if that had been his final decision, that would have worked too, but since I spend much more time with our children than he does, I get to make decisions.
    I can see how trust comes into this, but at the same time, who spends more time with them?

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    1. AnonymousMarch 31, 2013 at 2:26 PM

      I'm glad you have something that works for you both. This is an area that John feels he needs to have more input. I have to respect his decision as this is the dynamic we have chosen...I'm just having a hard time adjusting. Thanks for weighing in :)

      Hugs

      P

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  2. UnknownMarch 27, 2013 at 5:47 PM

    Hey there :)

    I dealt with this very issue a few months ago....and it was so hard. I came to the realization that deep down I did not think that he was as good of a parent as I was....doesn't that sound so conceited? But it is truly how I felt.

    In our old way of doing things....I always parented....and I always got my way where the kids were concerned. If I felt like he was doing something wrong I just told him...no matter if the kids were within earshot or not. Now, I am not saying you do this....I am just illustrating how bad I was.

    So....when I started realizing how much ttwd was spreading through our life....I realized that he needed my respect all of the time even when I disagree. I slowly started asking his opinion on things with the kids....asked him to deal with some of the issues....and I stayed out of the way...well I did after butting in ONE too many times ;)

    You know what happened? I saw what a good dad he was...and how good he probably always could have been if I would have stayed out of the way. Why is this so hard?? Because they are your children...and my Lord I am sure you would walk through fire for them....but I am equally as sure that John would lay down his life for them. If you just give him a chance....I bet that you will see the amazing things that I have seen with Ryan. He is such a good dad...and this was such a confidence booster for him.

    Ryan and I still talk about all things concerning the kids...and I mostly still get my way :) But, he is not afraid to tell me when he thinks I am wrong...he is settling more disputes between the kids...they respect him more....and he is demanding that they respect me. I think it has been a win-win :)

    Good luck on this next part of your journey...you are right...it always seems to be something....but think of it this way: These hurdles you get through all point to growth...and THAT is a good thing :)

    Hugs...

    ~Lucy

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    1. AnonymousMarch 31, 2013 at 2:29 PM

      I remember you fretting about this same issue! lol What's so strange to me is that I can see the benefits of him being more involved, but somehow am still struggling to let go...stubborn! That's what I am! Ugh! You should feel sorry for John1 lol!

      Hugs

      P

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  3. RozMarch 28, 2013 at 3:30 AM

    Hi P, I'm sorry, I can't really weigh in here as it's not something I have had to deal with. Julia and Lucy have made some great comments above though.

    I do that that the Mommy instinct is so strong so and that it must be incredibly difficult to hand over ultimate decision making in matters relating to the children, especially given you are the one who are used to making these decisions. Remember though, that you do still have a voice and a lot of input into the final decision. As highlighted by the other ladies.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. AnonymousMarch 31, 2013 at 2:34 PM

      Thanks for understanding Roz :) It's been tough...it is tough. My issue is always the same when he starts taking over a new area. I feel like I lose my voice and while I know that isn't true, my feelings tend to override reason. I think John should give me a 'breaking in' period. Ya know, where he tells he he's going to start exercising authority in a particular area and then gives me some time to adjust before he actually does anything...well FAT CHANCE! But it sure would help me out! LOL! I'm sounding oh so submissive here, aren't I?

      Hugs

      P

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  4. SusieMarch 28, 2013 at 4:32 AM

    I'm with Roz...as I can't offer any direct advice but I sure can imagine how hard it is.

    Remember that even if he is making some final decisions, he values your opinion and you are partners in parenting. Your voice hasn't been lost, you just are learning how to share it.

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    1. AnonymousMarch 31, 2013 at 2:35 PM

      Thanks Susie for your understanding. And share???? I think that may be a lesson I skipped in childhood! LOL!

      Hugs

      P

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  5. an English RoseMarch 28, 2013 at 4:45 AM

    Hi Pocahontas, this is such a difficult situation. Our children are grown up now, but I do think that we mums spend so much more time with the kids that we do make the most decisions. I don't think it would have been possible for us to do things differently then because he worked so much that I couldn't have just deferred to him. Any major things I guess you need to talk about, but he has to realise that you have to be able to take charge of the children simply by the fact that you are mum and there the most
    love Jan.xx

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    1. AnonymousMarch 31, 2013 at 2:39 PM

      Thanks Jan! He has no problem with me dealing with the immediate things that the children need, but would like to be consulted when issues arise and to help bring a bit of balance as I tend to run myself ragged trying to make them all happy (practices, games, friends, etc). He really is looking out for me and trying to make them more responsible and take some stress off of me. I just struggle to let go :( I'm working on it.

      Hugs

      P

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  6. TessMarch 28, 2013 at 10:59 AM

    Oh this is a tough one P. My husband and I are usually on the same page about the kids, and I think it's really important to be partners in parenting and that it's definitely still possible to do that with the ttwd dynamic.

    But, that said, I am more cautious in certain areas where he is more, "let's not be so quick to say no." It is really hard to step back at times but I do trust him and I know that he's just as fierce about them as I am...he just has a different way. If it helps, maybe don't think about it in terms of you giving up control. Rather, you are giving him the room and the trust he deserves to listen to his own parental instincts and grow as a dad.

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    1. AnonymousMarch 31, 2013 at 2:42 PM

      I like that Tess "giving him the room and the trust he deserves to listen to his own parental instincts and grow as a dad". He mentioned how difficult it was and how I always made it seem easy. I explained that it wasn't easy just that I had been doing it for 15 yrs. His reply "I've been a dad for 15 yrs too!" Well he was right. We have been parents for the same amount of time, but I always took charge of the children. He was rarely consulted on the goings on. So now he can grow. And I will still be here to help when he needs it.

      Hugs

      P

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  7. willieMarch 28, 2013 at 4:44 PM

    Very well put Tess :)

    Give him some breathing room. Stand behind him. Trust him. I know it is hard, but man my life is just a tad bit easier since Barney started flexing ( okay who are we kidding...B is WAY easier on them than I am ) but you know what? It is working out just fine. I still have a voice, but it is soooooooo nice to say, "Go talk to your father"..and then the weight melts away.

    love willie

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    1. AnonymousMarch 31, 2013 at 2:44 PM

      I have enjoyed being able to say "we'll ask Daddy when he gets home". It takes the pressure of feeling like I have to give an immediate decision.

      Love ya

      P

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  8. CatMarch 28, 2013 at 5:29 PM

    Hey P...I never had to deal with this so really can't give you any advice from a been there/done that angle...I do know that know matter how much I trust anyone, when it comes to my kids...very hard. It looks as if Lucy has been through this and she has left you a lot of great information. Sending lots of positive energy that you and John can work through this!

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. AnonymousMarch 31, 2013 at 2:45 PM

      Thanks Cat! This has been a tough one for me, but we will get through it. And I'm sure we'll be stronger for it

      Hugs

      P

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  9. maryanneMarch 28, 2013 at 10:06 PM

    P, I deal with this same worry. Totally unfounded but it's still a worry. Can you two agree to work as a team on this issue? I hope so. :) giving over control is tough. No doubt about it.

    m.

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    1. AnonymousMarch 31, 2013 at 2:46 PM

      Thanks and Welcome Maryanne! It is a bit unfounded, isn't it? I mean, he's their Daddy...he doesn't want anything bad to happen to them. In fact, it is the exact opposite. He wants the very best for them, just like I do.

      Hugs

      P

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