Saturday, March 23, 2013

Alone on the Roller Coaster

There are many exceptional advantages to living this lifestyle.  We have experienced things in TTWD that we never would have otherwise.  It also has its pitfalls.  I've used the analogy before, but it seems to fit so well.  My emotions seem to be on a roller coaster.  I did sign up for this.  I paid the entry fee, stood in line (patiently waiting), climbed into the car and strapped in for the ride.  This ride is an adventure.  It's full of twist and turns, ups and down, and even a few loops.


Have you ever ridden a coaster?  I have!  And I do love them!  There's a process to getting to the top of the big hill though.  Just like TTWD, it's not an immediate and smooth assent.  There are chains that pull you up and sometimes it can be a bit jerky and uncomfortable.  


There is a point though where the front car begins tipping over the hill.  You know what's happening, but are frozen...trapped and unable to stop the free fall that commences.  So you descend wildly.


That is precisely what happened this week.  We had been doing amazingly.  And the next thing I knew, as the car reached the top of the hill, I looked over and there was no one there.  I was alone.  John had checked out and we were not communicating effectively.

I don't operate well on my own.  I need John.  That was difficult for me to admit, but I do.  I need him everyday.  I need to physically feel his dominance in my life, but I also need to feel him emotionally.  I need him to be present with me.  I often hate that I have become so needy.  It's a hard place for me to be...needing him and him not being available to me.  

18 comments:

  1. Roller coasters don't have anything over the ups and downs, twists and turns of a DD relationship in the first year :)
    That's all a natural and important part of the process. Have you asked John what is different this week vs last week and before last week?

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    1. Haha B! So true! Roller coaster seems tame in comparison.

      We have talked about what has changed. We have a very busy schedule and sometimes our relationship gets shoved into the background. We talked about ways to make "us" a priority. Consistency is key, right?

      P

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  2. Oh dear, I took cat's advice and asked for what I needed this week, perhaps you too can talk to John and let him know how needy you are feeling right now. I hope you will soon be on that ride together again, hugs Jan.xxx

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    1. I have been trying to ask for what I need more often Jan. It's tough for me.

      We are back on the ride together, but those ups and down are still scary!

      Hugs

      P

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  3. Oh gosh....this is where I have been lately. You are so right....this whole thing can be a roller coaster ride....and going it alone is just too darn hard. It is hard for me to admit to...needing someone, and letting myself rely on Ryan. I have no idea why it is hard for some of us??? Perhaps we are a wee bit stubborn....fear....pride.....I dunno. I just know that I am trying to reconcile this new woman that I have become with the old me who truly believed that I could make it on my own. I am finding that I don't want to anymore....I want to rely on him. The best thing that you can do is talk to him...let him in....and trust the man! Easier said than done....I know ;)

    Hugs....

    ~Lucy

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    1. Stubborn, fearful, and full of pride??? Not you Lucy! (ok maybe me too...but just a wee bit!) I have trouble reconciling those same feelings of independence (which has been drilled into my head from birth) and needing John so much. I guess you hit the nail on the head...I think my biggest issue is fear. Fear of the unknown and fear that he won't be there when I need him...sigh

      Hugs

      P

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  4. Wishing you a smoother downhill ride.

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    1. Thanks Sunnygirl! I wouldn't say the ride has gotten any smoother, but at least we're in the car together :)

      Hugs

      P

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  5. Hey P...Sorry you are having a bit of a rough ride at the moment. Mr. BB had a good suggestion...have you tried asking John what is different? Is there something going on with work or extended family that has him distracted? Hang in there...you two have been doing very well. Sending lots of prayers and positive energy that your ride will smooth out soon.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thanks Cat! Yes we have discussed it and are trying to put things in place to help us stay on track together. Prayers are always appreciated :)

      Hugs

      P

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  6. I agree with Mr. BB - In the beginning dd is a pretty wild ride. It is important, as awkward as it might be to get started, to have those difficult discussions. New HoHs often have very confused information, especially where consistency is concerned.
    Hang in there kiddo,
    hugs
    lillie

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    1. Consistency...yes Lillie that is one of our issues. Not just on his side, but mine as well at times. We also have to work on building our communication skills. We "talk", but don't always communicate

      hugs

      P

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  7. Hi P, I'm sorry you are having a rough time.

    Sorry to sound repetitive but I too agree with Mr BB. You two have been doing well lately so is there some external factor getting in the way for John. Dd is a roller coaster, particularly in the beginning but it's out of these moments we often gain the most growth.

    Hang in there! Sending you huge (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. I agree Roz. We do seem to gain the most knowledge and insight from the tough times.

      Thanks for the Hugs and sending them back at ya!

      P

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  8. Oooh, I hate roller coasters! :(. Another vote for "talk to him"! Checked out doesn't work well in DD! Hope things are better ?

    Sara

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    1. Checking out doesn't work very well at all, does it Sara? Truth is it doesn't work well in vanilla relationships either. We are working through things together and will get "there"...where ever that is! lol

      Hugs

      Sara

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  9. Yeah going deeper into submission does make us more needy

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    1. Yes it does Tiffany! And sometimes that STINKS! LOL

      Hugs

      P

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