Alone on the Roller Coaster

There are many exceptional advantages to living this lifestyle.  We have experienced things in TTWD that we never would have otherwise.  It also has its pitfalls.  I've used the analogy before, but it seems to fit so well.  My emotions seem to be on a roller coaster.  I did sign up for this.  I paid the entry fee, stood in line (patiently waiting), climbed into the car and strapped in for the ride.  This ride is an adventure.  It's full of twist and turns, ups and down, and even a few loops.

Have you ever ridden a coaster?  I have!  And I do love them!  There's a process to getting to the top of the big hill though.  Just like TTWD, it's not an immediate and smooth assent.  There are chains that pull you up and sometimes it can be a bit jerky and uncomfortable.  

There is a point though where the front car begins tipping over the hill.  You know what's happening, but are frozen...trapped and unable to stop the free fall that commences.  So you descend wildly.

That is precisely what happened this week.  We had been doing amazingly.  And the next thing I knew, as the car reached the top of the hill, I looked over and there was no one there.  I was alone.  John had checked out and we were not communicating effectively.

I don't operate well on my own.  I need John.  That was difficult for me to admit, but I do.  I need him everyday.  I need to physically feel his dominance in my life, but I also need to feel him emotionally.  I need him to be present with me.  I often hate that I have become so needy.  It's a hard place for me to be...needing him and him not being available to me.