Sunday, January 20, 2013

Problem is...he didn't tell me

*WARNING*  This blog post is the rantings of a PMSing, overextended, emotionally drained woman.  Though I do try to find humor in things, not sure it will happen and I intend to rant and cry and scream and just get it all out here.  Not sure if this will ever actually make it the blog.  You have been warned!

John and I are...well to be honest I don't really know what we are.  We have had some things happen this week that has added unwanted stress to our lives.  The main thing is that my car broke down this week.  For a bit of background I will tell you that we have had the WORST luck with vehicles over the last 2 yrs.  Prior to my car breaking down, we had discussed (very loosely) the possibility of buying a new car.  So when my car broke down AGAIN! I made a phone call to our bank to find out what the interest rate would be, etc.  The rate seemed high and so I asked my sister (who had just bought a car) what her rate was.  I then made a call to her bank to see what their current rates were.  I thought that I was helping.  I thought that this would take some stress off of John.  I thought that I would gather information and we would then talk about our options, being more informed.  John did not see it this way.  He was upset that I had not consulted him before making the phone calls.  Only problem is...he didn't tell me he was upset about it.


When I got home from work John was sitting on the couch.  I sat at his feet for a few minutes just talking about his day.  Then I said I had to go make dinner and he said he would shower.  Well John is...well he is SLOW!  I have always said that the man has two speeds...slow and slower!  By the time dinner was ready he still had not gotten into the shower.  Cue PMS, dieting, angry crazy woman... I was hungry.  I usually wait and eat with John, but I was mad!  He had plenty of time to get showered and HE chose to piddle around and I made sure he knew I wasn't happy.  I went back downstairs and made my plate and ate dinner.
Well John was upset that I had reacted that way.  Only problem is...he didn't tell me he was upset about it.


So that night we had a laundry list of things that needed to be discussed, things about our kids, the car, and last on the list was ttwd.  It was a lot to try to tackle in one night.  When we got to the issue of the car something was said that upset me and I recoiled (neither of us even really know what happened).  He got upset with me and said "So this is how it's going to be again".  And that was it .  He shut down.  I tried to get him to talk to me several times that evening, but it was too late.

The next day was even worse.  As we tried to communicate via text, things only escalated.  At one point I actually said "F*ck you!"  Not good...I know.  He said that we needed to talk that night...but it never happened.  We went to bed.

young ethnic couple not talking

I woke up early Saturday morning.  I just couldn't sleep.  I chatted with a fellow blogger who encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone to try to make things better.  I balked at the mere thought.  But she persuaded me to at least try.  I agreed to try.  Midway through my "attempt" I began to cry.  I just couldn't take it and I moved away from him.  He came to me and we did the one thing we seem to always be able to get right.  

 sex

Were our issues still there...yes!  Did we still need to communicate...yes!  But it allowed the hardened exterior to crack a bit.

So we went about our day...Actually I got spanked twice (nothing major and over clothing) for eye rolling!  Apparently that is not acceptable behavior!  We had a great day actually.  We had lots of family time.  John and I were playful and happy.  I got several playful swats in the kitchen and once was even pounced on as he lay in wait for me as I came down the stairs.


Then it was time to talk again.  The kids were in bed and we were alone.  Well to say the least, it did not go well.  John after days of brewing proceeded to inform me of all the things that he was not happy about.  My attitude when he was not ready for dinner, that I had reverted back to old behavior regarding the car, that I didn't take care of him like I did in the beginning.  I felt attacked.  I felt like I had really messed up and that I would never figure this out.  Then he said that we would finish our conversation the following day.  The hurt and frustration soon morphed into anger as I felt as though I was being left to bleed out all alone.  And so that is where we are...  We are to talk a little later today...

20 comments:

  1. I'm sorry your talk went so badly. Did John explain what was wrong about doing some initial research regarding the car? Sending you a hug and hope that today's talk goes better.

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    1. Thanks for your concern Meg. And yes John did explain that he felt that I was reverting back to old habits and just moving forward without him.

      Thanks for the hug! I needed all of them I could get :)

      P

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  2. I've not commented before. I've seen your comments around blogland and so I thought I would stop by. I am sorry you have so much going on right now. I also just stopped by Lillie's and so maybe something is in the air concerning communication. I snapped at my husband two times yesterday. Ahh, it happens. Just wishing you well as you talk later today. Thankfully every day is a new day to try to do better and grow closer. Hugs.

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    1. Thanks SNP! And welcome! I've seen you around as well. Oh my two favorite words have become COMMUNICATION and ATTITUDE! NOT! lol! Communication is the key to this lifestyle...so I hear/think about it all the time, and attitude is what I get into trouble for the most! I have no idea what John is talking about...I never have an attitude :D That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

      Hugs back at ya!

      P

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  3. Dang P - Sorry to hear that things are rough right now. Even though your talk did not go well, communication is the key.

    Are you two listening to but not hearing each other? Many times when we are speaking to someone, we have a tendency to be thinking of the next point we want to make or just hearing some of the words (passive listening) so that we don't actually end up understanding what the other person is trying to convey. We either hear what we want to hear or hear something totally different that what they are actually trying to say. Not saying either of you are doing this, just throwing it out here as a possibility.

    Have you tried active listening? What I mean by that is in a perfect world, you say "I feel xyz" and then John shows he understands what you are saying by repeating it back to you in his words "If I understand what you are saying, you feel xyz". In first starting this, you will probably get a lot of "OK, you feel abc" or "I understand you feel yzx". In the beginning, this technique can really slow down a conversation but once you both get in the habit, it can actually cause a conversation to go a lot quicker.

    Sending healing thoughts your way that you two work this out.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. We have recently (since ttwd) started doing something very similar to this. However, I really don't know what happened these last few days. There was a major breakdown in many of the things that we have learned...we both kind of reverted and what came of it was not good.

      We are in the process of restoring order here...it is a process that I may post about soon

      Hugs

      P

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  4. Awe, sorry things feel rough right now and that you have so much going on. As Cat said above, communication really is the key. You haven't messed up and you will work this out.

    Wishing you all the best with your talk.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. Oh Roz! You're too kind :) We will work this out, but I was a bit of a handful the last few days (Okay! A lot of a handful!)

      Thanks for the hugs...you have no idea how much they've meant

      P

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  5. P,
    Sometimes Will and I get like this. In our pre-ttwd lives we did this frequently. He'd do/not do something, I'd be hurt, I'd react by distancing, he'd react to my distancing, then he'd get furious, and I was already furious, and everything compounds because no one is really talking about the core issues.

    I think it's a normal part of learning the communication piece, and it is a journey. You two will figure this out. Your love for one another is so obvious. Hang in there, toots.

    Elisa xo

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    1. Oh Elisa...I do love that man! Our communication broke down and it seemed as if everything else followed suit, but we are doing better now.

      Hugs

      P

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  6. Oh P, I'm sorry you are at odds at the moment. There must be something in the air. Men get very funny about 'car' situations. Anything to do with them - bangs, insurance, speed, fuel consumption etc. I would have done just the same as you did, but would probably been told off too, so I'm no help there.

    As for the eating thing, I can't wait and wait to eat because I get sick and dizzy. Starman has gotten into the habit of always asking me when the meal will be ready. Mostly I get it right. I call anyone who is in the vicinity that it's ready, and if they choose not to come straight away I put ensure that their share doesn't get cold, and I sit and eat. Like John, Starman is slow in the shower, but he showers in the mornings. Would telling him when the meal is to be ready help at all?

    The other thing P, is that if I ever, ever, ever said F off to Starman he would go ballistic. I just wouldn't dare. It's a no go area. I did it just the once, when we were decorating our first home prior to getting married. Never again. It nearly finished us before we even started. So sorry honey, but you may have a sore bum to look forward to. LOL

    Many hugs,

    Ami

    I'm so proud my computer is now letting me make a comment!

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    1. Thanks for the hugs Ami! There was such a breakdown the last few days...as for saying "f off"...that was not my finest moment and you were right...my hiney paid the price. But we are reset and back to "normal" (whatever that really means).

      Hugs back at ya and I'm glad your computer is cooperating :)

      P

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  7. Ugh. And this is a good example of the fact that communication is SO important. I hope you've been able to talk more and that things are better now. If not, don't give up hope, there are bound to be bumps in the road and this is just one of them. (((hugs)))

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    1. Yes Grace this is a perfect example of how NOT to do things. We both just kind of threw out everything we have learned and went rogue for a couple days. We have talked and are doing much better.

      Hugs to you

      P

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  8. Sorry, is all I can say. I would have done much the same thing about the car. I often to things like that because it makes it so much easier to have the info handy with the talk does come up. I don't see it as meddling but being helpful. Guess John didn't see it that way though.

    You two seem to be on a different timetable. Maybe that should be a topic of conversation first and foremost.

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    1. Thanks Sunnygirl...no he did not see the car situation the same way I did and in his defense though my intentions were different, my actions were the same as they would've been in the past. There was no way he could know the difference. We have had several talks and are now on the same page.

      P

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  9. Hang in there, we all know how wild the ride can be sometimes. I have found sometimes that before I react (my common behavior) to a problem that I must stop myself and ponder if this is something Vic would want to handle (not always easy) if the answer is maybe or yes then off to the HoH I go. Sending huggs and best wishes

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    1. Wild indeed Cathie! I feel like I was holding on for dear life flying out the back of the coaster car. Thanks for the well wishes.

      Hugs back at ya

      P

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  10. This process of remembering to ask them before we start "helping" can be really confusing. I get mucked up with it all the time and I can't quite figure out why my guy is upset with me. I was just trying to help.

    It is almost two days later. Are you guys doing a bit better and were you finally able to talk it all out?

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    1. We have talked Susie. And yes remembering to ask is definitely on my list of things to work on (my list seems to keep getting longer and longer!) We have talked and are doing much better. We have talked about ways to help prevent this type of melt down next time.

      Hugs

      P

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