Many Sides of an Angel

Last weekend was rough.  We spent way too much time not talking and it ended with the decision that punishment for ATTITUDE was in order.  Unfortunately, because John was in a lot of pain after the stress of the weekend, it had to be postponed.

Of course, I obsessed all the following day, but was determined not to let it affect my attitude toward my husband.  And for the most part, I succeeded.

OK!  Maybe I wasn't THAT good, but I handled it much better than I had in the past.

While at work that day, John started to not feel so well.  By the time he got home he was exhausted and just feeling blah.  So we went to bed early.  John however, had ideas other than sleep and though  I protested and said that he needed to rest, I was overruled.  This is the arrangement I agreed to. Punishment was postponed yet again and I was beginning to feel a little more like this.

I still had my wings, but the sweetness was fading fast.  (This is actually the face I often make)

We are now on day three of awaiting punishment to be carried out and I am trying desperately to hold on to my submissiveness, knowing that he had not felt 100%.  When John got home from work he was feeling better.  We had dinner and laid on the couch together.  I was still feeling a bit feisty, but was keeping it mostly under control.  At one point John actually held me down to lick my face. Disgusting, I know, but sometimes he really is just a big kid.  When it was time for bed, we went through our evening routine and headed downstairs where we laid in bed.  After some time, I asked if he planned to continue postponing this (by now it is just eating at me!).  He said that he wasn't feeling well again and that instead of postponing that I was off the hook.

I was angry, no holds barred kind of angry.

  

How could he?  How could we have went through hell all weekend long and then put me under the stress of a looming punishment.  A million thoughts ran through my head about how he doesn't really care because it's not his a** on the line!  Truth is that most of the things that flashed in my mind are completely false.  He is a loving man who cares deeply for me, thinks of me, loves me.  Truth is I wasn't angry...

I was hurt.

Hurt because ttwd seems to always take a back seat, because I feel tied up in knots over the things that are going on, but it's just not that important to him, upset that we schedule weekly times to talk about ttwd, but they never happen.  And if our relationship isn't that important...am I?

So here we are and a few days have passed and we have talked many times.  We are in a better place, but I still find myself...drifting.  I'm finding it difficult to swim in any one direction and instead just allowing the current to take me wherever it desires, indifferent to what lies ahead.  Don't misunderstand I still very much want ttwd to work in our marriage.  I've just gotten tired...maybe we're just in over our heads...maybe I am