That was Sunday. We were supposed to talk, but we didn't. I tried a few times to break the ice that seemed to be thickening between us. It was futile. How many times could I put myself out there only to be rejected. I was in a pretty bad place. I went to bed alone Sunday night. Oh he was there, in the same bed, but I was very much alone.
At 5am the alarm sounded and John got up and started getting ready for work. I lay there on my side of the bed unsure of what to hope for. John always kisses me before he leaves in the morning. Part of me hoped he would, that there was a small kink in his armor. Part of me didn't know if I could stand to be so close to him, yet so far away. As I lay there, a war raging in my soul, John approached me, bent down and kissed my forehead, and said he loved me. Just as I had feared the proximity overwhelmed me. I tried to hold it back. I tried to not let him see, but as the dam gave way a flood of tears and emotion crashed around me.
He came back. I pushed him away. I couldn't bear for him to see what this had done to me. He didn't relent. He hugged me tightly, and apologized. I could feel the change immediately. The ice that had been such a solid force was breaking apart.
We talked via text most of that day. We talked that night about everything that had happened. I worked up the courage to ask for a spanking. He had shut down, but that was not an excuse for my behavior. I had gotten angry, said some things that I wouldn't have even said before ttwd.
We have been talking a lot about fairness recently. Does it even have a place in ttwd? Does it have a place in our marriage? So far, what we have come up with is NO...it doesn't. Is it fair that I am spanked for shutting down and he is not...no. Is it fair that he has to carry the burden of making the final decision on things that affect our entire family...no. Our marriage and our version of ttwd is not fair. He will not make decisions based on what is fair, but what is effective, what is best for our marriage and our family. While the decision may not be fair to either individual it will be what is best.
So he agreed and we cleared the air in the way that we had agreed upon. Was it fair that I was spanked for behaviors that resulted from his actions...maybe not, but it is what was best for our marriage. We are back to ourselves, our intimacy and closeness has been restored. And I'll take that over fair any day of the week!