2 down...

It has been 2 months since My Love and I began our TTWD journey.  I can't believe it's been 2 months already...I can't believe it's only been 2 months!  It seems like we've been working at this forever.  We have learned so much, yet we still feel like we are fumbling around in the dark some days.  I have spent hours (and I mean hours!) researching TTWD and reading blogs and though that information has been helpful the saying "there is no teacher like experience" seems to be more than appropriate.  

I have really enjoyed watching John grow in his confidence.  He is able to make decisions and then let me know what we're doing.  He has managed to do it and still make me feel important and valued.  "You have led this family for 13 years with very little input from me, so of course I value your opinion!"  What's a girl to say to that!  And if you've been reading along you know that I was afraid of losing myself, of losing my voice in this journey. He knows that I have a strong sense of justice and struggle when I feel something isn't fair.  He always takes this into consideration before making a decision.  He takes time to explain his decision to me so that even if I don't agree, I understand.  

He is so attentive and knows me much better than I thought.  All the years I thought he wasn't paying attention...he was.  He really is an incredible man.  He is so attentive to me and knows exactly what I need.  

I can't believe how much closer this has made us.  Our communication has gotten so much better.  We talk every night.  We discuss the things we like and the things that bug us.  We are honest!  Honesty...who'd have thought that would work!  TTWD has given me a safety to talk to him and for him to talk to me.  Truthfully I think it has given him the freedom to talk without fear of what I would say or do.  He is free to express himself knowing that I will respect his opinion.  It's an amazing thing!
I didn't realize how little respect I showed him.  How little I valued his opinion and thoughts.  It's a little disheartening.
But all that is changing.  I have so much respect for him.  So much confidence in his ability to lead us.  He amazes me everyday!  

I love you John!  And I can't wait to see where you lead us to next...

Pocahontas

Because Google+ is stubborn and refuses to accept my name as My Love's beautiful lady, I have change my name on my account.  Hopefully this will not be too confusing and hopefully Google will accept it.  No one may even really notice...I'm not really sure how it works.

Anyway, I thought I give a short explanation of my new name choice.  It was chosen by My Love (John Smith now lol!)  As was beautiful lady (I hate that name, but whatever!)  I do not accept compliments well but beautiful lady is what My Love calls me.  My Love suggested that I change it to just beautiful lady...Ya I don't think so!  And because he is sympathetic to my feelings, he relented and chose this instead...God I love him! 

Anyway...I'm rambling.  I have a significant amount of Native American Indian blood from both my mother's and father's side of my family.  My Love (John...he he) is German and Irish.  In other words I'm dark and he's light :D And though John Smith and Pocahontas never really met in real life the Disney version is an epic love story (we have already been separated and reunited now writing our own story).  

Thanks for your understanding while I figure out how this all works :)

I'd Rather Have the Punishment

I hate waiting!  It is definitely not one of my strong points and waiting for punishment is even worse.  I try my best to push it out of my mind, but eventually it surfaces and it isn't very pretty to witness.

I am one of those crazy Black Friday (well now it's starting on Thursday, but that's another issue) shoppers.  I have been doing it since I was a child.  My mom used to let me go with her.  We had some of the best times.  The last several years My Love has went with me.  We make an event out of it.  Usually his mom watches our kids and we shop til we drop (most times literally)!  This year, though, he had to work and couldn't go with me.  It wasn't his fault (well maybe a little since I told asked him to put in for the day off, but he didn't listen to me).  I was disappointed, but made other arrangements to go with my mother-in-law.  We had a blast and I fell into bed at around 4am.  I woke up at 6:30am and could not sleep.  I tossed and turned... I text My Love for a bit and then he said I needed to go to sleep. 

Well I don't know if it was lack of sleep or that I knew he would be working 12 hours that day, but I said, "I am a big girl and don't need you to tell me when to go to sleep!"  I mean who does he think he is! 

Then I got this, "Well since you are a big girl and can make your own decisions, if you fall asleep on me tonight and can't spend time with me you will be spanked." 

"What that's not fair!  It's not my fault that I can't sleep!"  I mean come on!  Really?  It's not like I wanted to be awake after only having 2 1/2 hours of sleep.

Well I'm sure you can guess what happened.  He went up to shower and I fell asleep on the couch.  I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and I had tried.  He woke me up and wasn't too happy with me.  Oops!  We went to bed, but apparently he was too tired for punishment so it got put off. 

The next morning I woke up in a mood.  You know the kind I'm talking about.  The just stay out of my way and don't irritate me kind of mood.  Well My Love had "plans" for the morning that I was not exactly up for.  However, since our sex life is an area that he has been given control, he got his way. 

We were up and heading off to the grocery store.  I felt the need, while waiting at the door, to remind him how much quicker I could do this ALONE!  Now while it is true that I can be in and out of the grocery much faster if I am alone, now was probably not the best time to mention it! (I know!  I know! But like I said, I was in a mood!) 

Later, after we got back home, we were installing our new TV (the kids were away for the night).  I got an attitude.  He gave the look and I barked "Well I'm already in trouble so what the F**K do I care!"  He let it go.  I can't believe he let it go.  I still can't believe he let it go.  He never should have let that go. 

The waiting...the suspense... the dark cloud...it was just to much and I snapped.  I don't know what it is about a looming punishment that makes me crazy.  We finished setting up the TV and at about 11pm I announced that I was going to bed.  I just wanted to get this over with!

We climb into bed and just lay there.  Nothing is said, we just lay there.  I can feel my heart beating so fast that I think it's trying to pound it's way out.  Finally I break the silence.  I tell him I can't take this.  That the stress of waiting is killing me.   I come to the realization that my mood is a result of the delayed punishment.  He apologizes for putting it off.  He says that my outburst earlier let him know that he had waited to long and that he was not going to punish me now.  WHAT!  All of this stress and now NOTHING?!  I don't understand.  I am angry.  I am relieved.  I really don't know what I am, but calm and peaceful and restored is not it. 

So now even in the light of day, I still don't have anymore clarity about it than  I did last night.  I don't enjoy being spanked for punishment at all, but I also don't like not knowing what to expect.  I don't enjoy stressing and then having no resolution.  I think I would have rather taken the punishment :(

Come Out of the Closet? Or Stay in Hiding?

I talk to my sister every day.  Sometimes several times a day.  We talk about everything from shoes to hairstyles to raising our kids.  We share everything, our stupid thoughts, the funny things our kids managed to come up with today, and the annoying thing our husband did/didn't do.  Until now.  Until Dd.  Now I find myself being measured and calculating in every conversation.  Can I say that?  Is that too much?  Can I expalin that without giving away too much information?  I knew going into this lifestyle that it would be lonely and that I wouldn't be able to talk about it, but I didn't realize how hard it would be, especially with those closest to me.

My sister and I have always talked about relationships.  In the past when My Love and I were having an argument or he was just being a pain, I would call my sister to unload on her all of my frustrations and she has always done the same.  We would scream, we would cry, and ultimately we would laugh and resolve that men just don't get it! 

Now I have much more respect for My Love and don't want to "man bash" him anymore (sometimes I give in to old habits...shhh!).  When she shares with me things that are happening in her marriage I try to listen and give advice, but things have changed.  I cannot be completely open with her.  When My Love and I are having issues regarding Dd, I struggle to talk to her because there are so many things I can't say.  There is now a LARGE part of my life I don't share with her.  While Dd isn't the only thing going on in our lives it is by far the greatest change and challenge.  Though it is a tool, while we are working out all of the details, it consumes much of my thought life and online activities. 

I know this is a common problem for couples practicing Dd.  So my question is how do you deal with it?  Do you share with those closest to you?  Or do you remain in hiding?  Whether you are currently facing the same problem or have figured out how to navigate it, I'd like to hear your thoughts. 

My new "normal"

I have been working alot more than I'd like to be lately.  I used to be a stay at home mom and about 2 years ago I started working VERY part time for my families business.  Well I am now working 4-5 days a week and that on top of the holidays approaching and just trying to keep our home running smoothly, I am exhausted.  I really don't know how working moms do it all.  I am finding myself really struggling to keep all of the balls in the air and it seems like they are starting to fall :( 

I have been just taking it in stride though, just pushing through each day with a pretty good attitude...Ok maybe not such a great attitude...ok it's really sucked!  Unfortunately that attitude has landed me in trouble with My Love.

It started on Thursday and carried over into Friday.  My Love cut me some slack on Thursday because emotionally I had just had a really bad day.  (In hind sight maybe he should've just spanked the bad mood out of me, but he was trying to be sensitive).  I felt like all of my "balls" were dropping and dropping fast.  TTWD has created an emotional adventure, but for now that was not the source of my frustration.  Until I started texting My Love.  He was not happy with the way things had been going and he felt that I wanted out.  He said that I am going back and forth so much that he's been treading very lightly because he feared my reaction if he pushed too hard.  After much discussion, we both decided (again) that this is something that we really wanted and he said that the only way we would be happy would be to "do this for real". 

Well I wish that would have been enough for me.  Apparently I feel the need to see if he really means what he says...He does! (Note to self!)

So as I was saying, my attitude just wasn't what it should be and I had been a tiny bit disrespectful (ok maybe a tiny bit more than that!)  But at some point I had crossed the line.  My Love went into his silent mode, which is never good (and by the way, never solves anything, and usually causes me to spiral so really this whole thing was his fault).  Finally I gave up and said that I was going to bed.

My Love came in, climbed onto the bed and grabbed my phone out of my hand and then grabbed my other hand and started to pull me toward him.  At this point I was already steaming.  My Love had not spoken to me other than to tell me just to move on and stop trying to talk to him.  I knew that I had been disrespectful, but I don't deal with the silent treatment very well.  I was angry that he hadn't just put an end to it and instead decided to shut down.  I grabbed my phone and jerked my hand out of his and told him to just leave me alone and go to bed.  He got frustrated and left. 

When he finally came back to bed I asked him to please not leave things like that between us.  He agreed and then he pulled me to him.  We laid there together for a while.  Suddenly he sat up, pulled me over his lap, pulled down my sweats and began spanking with his hand.  Currently this is the only way My Love spanks me.  He has two reasons: 1) It allows him to know how hard he is spanking.  He feels he has more control and with us just beginning he does not want to be too harsh. 2) He feels it allows him to be more connected to the punishment/forgiveness aspect of the spanking.  When he finished he laid down and I laid my head on his stomach.  He then pushed my head down onto him and made me suck on him for a little bit.  I crawled back up and put my head on his chest and told him I was really sorry and that he hadn't deserved my disrespect earlier or my refusal of punishment.  He asked if I was still feeling guilty...I should've said NO!  I have learned my lesson and from now on my answer to that question is NO!  I mean come on how stupid can I possibly be?  I shrugged my shoulders and said "I don't know..."

He pulled over him once again and continued my spanking.  As I laid across him I began to cry.  Sob really and it wasn't very pretty.  When he finished he pulled on top of him and I laid on him and cried as he held me, telling me it was ok, that we were ok.

Then he lifted me up and onto him and we did what we do best.  We may not always agree.  We may not always communicate effectively.  We may not always be on the same page.  Our personalities may collide.  But this is the one thing we do well together.  It's the one thing that comes easy for us.  I don't know if we'll always f*ck (sorry, but that's what we call it...My Love says we don't make love...we f*ck) after punishment, but I hope so.  It is the thing that has always connected us.  It lets me know that things are ok between us or that they will be.  It's a kind of security blanket.  One of the things that hasn't changed (too much anyway) since beginning TTWD. 

Afterward I felt at peace.  I felt like the wall I had been constructing in anger and disappointment in myself  and in My Love was gone.  As we laid there just being together I didn't feel like there was anything between us.  Nothing separating us.  It was just us.  I still don't understand why or how that happened.  How a spanking can "cure" us, but somehow it did.  I almost feel bad, like there is something wrong with me for feeling that way.  I don't know, maybe it's just my need for "normal".  All I know is it's working.  And for now that's good enough!

My HOH?...Yes My HOH!

I am a creature of habit.  I have a schedule and I like to stick as closely to that schedule as humanly possible.  I do not deal well with change, especially last minute changes.  So when I got a text yesterday that basically changed My Love's work schedule for the next month I was less than enthusiastic.  But when I got another one today that affected a long standing tradition, I started to have a little attitude (ok so maybe I had a full on toddler-inspired temper tantrum) about it.  Lucky for me it was all via text so My Love was not privy to my little lapse in maturity.  Sometimes I love the veil that texting provides.  It allows me to read what I have written before I send it. Unlike in person when my mouth has a tendency to fly away without my brain. 

The next several weeks are going to be difficult.  My Love will be working ALOT!  I miss him when he works so much and so do our kids. 

I am SO proud of him though.  He works very hard and that's why he is so great at his job.  He is trusted because he is trustworthy.  He takes pride in his work and makes sure that it's done right.  He is a man of character and integrity and I respect him so much for it.  So while I am disappointed that he will not be around much, I understand that he wouldn't be the man I love and adore if he did anything different.  I could not possibly ask for a better husband, father, provider...HOH.

HOH...that is what he has become.  My HOH!  He makes the decisions that may not always be popular, but are ultimately in the best interest of our family.  He does not enjoy being away from us so much, but he makes the sacrifice because it is what is best.  I would have made a different decision.  One based on my emotions.  My Love amazes me!  I can't believe the man he is revealing to us.  I say revealing because I believe this is who he really is and it has been suppressed because I would not allow it to show. 

I have gained a new appreciation for his position as HOH, for the responsibility that goes along with the position.  I do not envy it at all.  Thank you My Love!  I love you more than I could ever express.  I hope that as we grow in our new relationship dynamic that somehow you will see the depth of my love and devotion to you.

Don't Make Me Repeat Myself

So apparently when I feel very strongly about something and desperately want to be heard I repeat myself!  Or so I've been told....  And that is why My Love interrupted me.  That did NOT make me very happy! 

Maybe I should back up a bit and tell you that I have been really struggling with TTWD.  BIG surprise, right?  I used to make all the decisions.  I would allow My Love to give his two cents, but ultimately it was my decision.  In TTWD that is not the case!  It's actually reversed nowe and I have been having a hard time accepting the fact that my opinion doesn't have the same weight it used to.

So when I was interrupted I kinda, mighta, sorta went into melt down mode.  More like meltdown/shutdown mode.  He interrupted me trying to make a point I felt was really important and I very calmly listened to his point of view and we had an amazing conversation about it...Ok well that's probably how I should have reacted.  Instead I crossed my arms across my chest and made a not so subtle HMPH!  He repeated back to me what I had been saying and tried to explain that I was repeating myself and he didn't want the conversation to escalate.  He also wanted me to know that he understood what I was saying.  ...    ....   ....   ....   ....crickets....   ....    ....   ...crickets....   ....

You were repeating yourself and I just wanted you to know that I heard you.

Oh!  So it's ok for YOU to repeat YOURSELF, but not me!  I see!

In  hindsight that might not have been the best thing to say.  My Love still struggles with how to handle me in these types of situations.  I think he is afraid of my reaction if he were to punish me for an outburst like that, so he did nothing. 

We have both been extremely tired lately and so I ended up falling asleep on the couch.  My Love woke me up when he was ready to go to bed.  Unfortunately for me my pride had not healed itself while I napped and I was still sulking and wounded.  We went to bed and I rolled over to my side of our bed instead of cuddling up with him.  I began to cry silently for a number of reasons and My Love sensing my distress told me to come and lay by him.  I reassured him that I was fine.  He repeated his "request".  Again I told him that I was fine.  Fine is not particularly the word My Love ever wants to hear.  In the past that was my word that signaled that I had had enough and was shutting down now.  I am now being hauled abruptly across the bed and into his arms where I put on my bravest face and try to dry my tears.  My Love reassures me and coaxes me to tell him what is bothering me.  I don't even know!  I love TTWD!  I love the communication and love and trust it is fostering in our relationship.  I HATE TTWD!  I hate that I have lost control.  I am afraid...I am afraid of being punished unfairly (though I've actually only been punished once and it was at my request as a cleansing).  I am afraid of not having a voice in our relationship and how we raise our children and the decisions for our family.  I'm afraid!  OK!  I finally said it.  I'm scared to death to be completely honest.  I'm afraid I can't do this.  That I'm just not cut out for it and that we will lose everything we have already gained from it :(

I told him that I felt like a wild horse that someone was desperately trying to tame, but just couldn't/wouldn't be broken.  Like he was trying to trap me in a cage.  Like I was going to lose me in this process.  Like I didn't know what would be left of me in the end of all of this.  Now I know that the way things have been in the past was destructive and that it wasn't good for either of us, but it's what I know and was comfortable with.  I hate even saying that because it sounds really bad.  He listened and just held me as I began to cry.  He asked if I wanted to quit TTWD.  If I would rather lay there with him and work through our problems together or go back to my side of the bed and cry alone?  Because without TTWD that's where I would be...on the other side all alone and he would be completely oblivious to my needs, wants, and feelings about things.

It was what I needed.  I needed My Love to just love me and understand my struggle.  Did I deserve a spanking for it?  Absolutely!  Would it have incited WWIII?  I can't really answer that.  I know that the day will come when he will push for punishment and I will be in rare form and I'd like to say that I will behave with the utmost respect and honor, but I fear that will not be the case.  But until then I will be grateful for his care and love!

Love Our Lurkers 2012

Today I celebrate You!  Those of you who read my crazy ramblings.  Those of you who take time out of your busy life to read about mine.  Thank you!

Until very recently I was a lurker.  I read as many blogs on the subject of DD/TTWD as I could find.  It started as curiosity and became so much more.  I had discovered a desire deep inside me that I hadn't realized even existed.  Looking back, it was always there.  I just hadn't ever really expressed it (who am I kidding...it never saw the light of day).  So I lurked and I learned and even though I was silent I began to find comfort in the words of the men and women who were brave enough to bare their souls (and there bottoms)!

So today I am asking you to take a huge flying leap of faith and step out of the darkness and just say hi.  Let me know who you are(doesn't have to be your real name), where you're from, and just a little about your story.  I haven't been blogging for very long and was completely surprised that anyone would even read it.  I actually started it as a journal just as a way to work out everything I was feeling.   One of my hopes was to connect with other people in a similar lifestyle with whom I could "talk" to.

I encourage you to leave a small comment on all the blogs you lurk.  Don't be afraid!  You can do it!  Just a short comment.  You just might make a new friend.  Don't stay in the shadows anymore...come on...just a quick peek...

Back-peddling

The alarm is going off.

Don't you have to get up soon?

Ya, in a few minutes.

I begin to rub his back trying to gently coax him back into consciousness.  I rub his shoulders, his arms, his chest, his legs, his bottom.  The alarm goes off again and sit up onto the edge of the bed.  I am so filled with love and adoration for this man.  So I slide out of bed onto the floor naked and I kneel before him and begin kissing his feet.  He stands and starts to leave.

You're really making it difficult for me to leave...I really want to...

And then he walks back toward me, grabs the back of my neck and thrusts himself into my mouth.  I love these moments.  I feel completely submissive to him. He pulls me to my feet, walks around behind me and bends me over the bed.  He takes what he needs from me and I love every minute of it.  Afterward I am back to kissing his feet, mesmerized by My Love.

Fast forward several hours.  He has gone to work and I am up and getting the children ready for school.  We were discussing, via text, the morning.  Then out of nowhere.

You know, you really have been getting off easy!  I haven't even punished you for half of the things I said I would.  Waaaaa!  What has just happened?  We just went from an amazing, intimate morning to punishment talk.

So I respond with the most intelligent response I can muster...Huh?  Yep!  That was it.  That was my big, grandiose response...Huh?

He explained that the struggles we have been having are due to his lack of leadership and follow through and that was no longer going to be an issue.

 Uh-huh...(as you can see my vocabulary was wildly expansive)

I now start regaining my vocabulary and I start back peddling just as fast as my tongue (well fingers as we were still texting) would allow me.  I said I knew that this whole thing was my idea, but I'm just a stupid woman...what do I know anyway?  I'm no marriage counselor!  He wasn't buying any of it.  That did not stop me from peddling away.  I gave every reason I could think of that this would not work and how beating me senseless didn't seem like a sane way of making us both better people, better parents, better partners.

Now don't get me wrong, I have not enjoyed the tifts that have occurred lately, but My Love's new resolve has me a bit worried to say the least. Hopefully I can mind my P's and Q's and stay out of trouble :)

One lucky girl!

Due to the Frankenstorm (Sandy) our kids were home from school on Tuesday and Wednesday so the Halloween party was rescheduled for today.  I was called last month and asked if I could work this party because they didn't have enough parents signed up.  I agreed, but unfortunately the "contribution" needed was an activity or craft.  As a mom of 4 you'd think I'd be better at this stuff, BUT I'M NOT!  This is where my SuperMom cape sags a bit.  My idea of craft/art time is "Here's some paint and some paper...have fun!"  So I knew my task and I set out to scour Google to find something to do with a group of 8 yr olds.  I found science experiments that can be done with Halloween candy. Sounded pretty interesting. So today was D day!  Would they love it or would they hate it?  They LOVED it and I was even asked to come back to all the parties!  My daughter thought I was amazing and kept telling me how glad she was I was able to be at her party...it just doesn't get much better than that! 

I am truly a blessed woman!  I have the most amazing HOH who loves me unconditionally.  He is my strength and stability.  I can be...let's say passionate...ya I like that word...passionate.  He might say high strung, stubborn, opinionated...well you get it.  (Can't you see why I wanted to be a submissive wife? hehe)He allows me to just be me, but safe.  He is a great father who coaches little league and flag football for our son.  He plays in the floor and sometimes I even find him laying on the bed in one of the kids' rooms just hanging out (those are some of my favorite moments).  He works very hard every day to provide for us.  He allowed me to be a stay at home mom for 10 yrs!  He's more than I could ever have dreamed to ask for in a man, in a leader, in a lover, in a friend. 

He didn't judge me when I asked him to become HOH and enter a Dd/Dh/TTWD lifestyle.  He has been amazing.  I am constantly amazed at what an incredible man he is.  I think I see it more now that I'm not hovering all the time.  He really is capable of making his own decisions and the decisions for our family.  I don't mean that condescending, but I guess I just always thought I could do it...better?  I never really thought of it like that, but I think in hindsight that's exactly what it was.  He stayed.  Maybe that's the greatest miracle of all.  When I was pregnant at 17...he stayed.  When I wouldn't have sex with him for months at a time...he stayed.  When I made mistakes...he stayed.  He stayed...he always stayed.  And for that alone I will forever stand in admiration of My Love.

Guess this ended up being a little more sappy and sentimental than I had intended, but it's obviously where my heart is today.  Can't wait to spend the weekend with my family!