Thursday, January 10, 2013

Many Sides of an Angel

Last weekend was rough.  We spent way too much time not talking and it ended with the decision that punishment for ATTITUDE was in order.  Unfortunately, because John was in a lot of pain after the stress of the weekend, it had to be postponed.

Of course, I obsessed all the following day, but was determined not to let it affect my attitude toward my husband.  And for the most part, I succeeded.


OK!  Maybe I wasn't THAT good, but I handled it much better than I had in the past.

While at work that day, John started to not feel so well.  By the time he got home he was exhausted and just feeling blah.  So we went to bed early.  John however, had ideas other than sleep and though  I protested and said that he needed to rest, I was overruled.  This is the arrangement I agreed to. Punishment was postponed yet again and I was beginning to feel a little more like this.


I still had my wings, but the sweetness was fading fast.  (This is actually the face I often make)

We are now on day three of awaiting punishment to be carried out and I am trying desperately to hold on to my submissiveness, knowing that he had not felt 100%.  When John got home from work he was feeling better.  We had dinner and laid on the couch together.  I was still feeling a bit feisty, but was keeping it mostly under control.  At one point John actually held me down to lick my face. Disgusting, I know, but sometimes he really is just a big kid.  When it was time for bed, we went through our evening routine and headed downstairs where we laid in bed.  After some time, I asked if he planned to continue postponing this (by now it is just eating at me!).  He said that he wasn't feeling well again and that instead of postponing that I was off the hook.


I was angry, no holds barred kind of angry.
  
How could he?  How could we have went through hell all weekend long and then put me under the stress of a looming punishment.  A million thoughts ran through my head about how he doesn't really care because it's not his a** on the line!  Truth is that most of the things that flashed in my mind are completely false.  He is a loving man who cares deeply for me, thinks of me, loves me.  Truth is I wasn't angry...


I was hurt.

Hurt because ttwd seems to always take a back seat, because I feel tied up in knots over the things that are going on, but it's just not that important to him, upset that we schedule weekly times to talk about ttwd, but they never happen.  And if our relationship isn't that important...am I?

So here we are and a few days have passed and we have talked many times.  We are in a better place, but I still find myself...drifting.  I'm finding it difficult to swim in any one direction and instead just allowing the current to take me wherever it desires, indifferent to what lies ahead.  Don't misunderstand I still very much want ttwd to work in our marriage.  I've just gotten tired...maybe we're just in over our heads...maybe I am



24 comments:

  1. It sounds like maybe a reconnection or reinforcement of roles spanking might help at this point. If it was me, I'd likely feel rebellious at this point, but what I'd really need was him to step up and show me, not just tell me, that he wants this and is serious about it. That said, I'd also try to give my husband grace for this lapse. It's something I've struggled with though. But there have certainly been times he's offered grace to me and I've been thankful. I can't expect him to be perfect when I'm certainly not. We both falter at times, it's the sticking together and working through it that's important. I hope the two of you can find your way soon. (((hugs)))

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    1. Grace,

      We currently do not do maintenance, reconnection, etc spankings...only the really fun kind :)...and the not so fun kind :( We are slowly figuring this thing out. Thanks for your empathy, it helps me to know that I'm not going crazy!

      Hugs back at ya

      P

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  2. I understand completely what you mean about letting the current take you. Well said. Where once, not too long ago I would have felt indifferent, now that ill 'not' feel is gone, but there is something else there. It is hard to put a finger on it isn't it?

    I don't think you are over your heads ( you didn't say you were drowning) you might just be in a holding pattern at the moment. Hopefully if you keep plugging along, you will soon find yourself swimming again.

    I have learned, so far, that ttwd has moments of utopia, moments that are so raw, and moments that just are. Life is not any different-but before ttwd, we wouldn't have paid attention to the just are days.

    Try not to focus on your unresolved punishment( heck at least you remember um, breaking the rule) and forgive John. Life isn't perfect, and neither is he. I know you feel 'well he had energy for other things the other night', but perhaps he wanted to spend his last bit of energy with you...not punishing you.

    Sorry for the ramble.

    Big, big hug
    Love
    Willie

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    1. I like how you said that he wanted to spend his energy with me...not punishing me. That sounds so much sweeter. This "journey" (thought you'd like that!) is certainly anything but predictable. When I think I'll feel one way, my emotions go and get a mind of their own and I end up feeling something completely different and don't even understand why.

      So what you're saying is "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming"...sorry I have kids :)

      Thanks for the hugs, love ya girl!

      P

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  3. So sorry. Hope you find your way through the tunnel soon.

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    1. Thanks Sunnygirl...we are slowly finding our way and we will get this figured out eventually :)

      P

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  4. P - Here's another way to look at the situation - he has not been feeling well and postponed it several times so rather than postpone it again (making you suffer), he gave you grace. Now, wasn't that nice and loving of him?

    If you really feel you need something try asking for it. When he's feeling better, rather than cuddling on the couch and waiting for bedtime, simply ask him to come to your room and hand him the paddle. Just a suggestion...

    I'm sure you two will figure it out and get back to where you want to be. Continue trying to be soft and submissive.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Handing the paddle to them does work...just sayin'

      * disclaimer- results may vary

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    2. Cat,

      There are always two sides to every coin, aren't there? Yours is the more logical, submissive side (so wish I was there!) We have discussed incorporating more good girl spankings just to stay more connected...we will see. As for "continue trying to be soft and submissive" well... I wouldn't say that I'm very much of either of those things, but I will try :) Thanks as always for your support and wisdom.

      Hugs

      P

      Wilma - uuuhhhhhh...I don't think so! It's just not my style. I wish I could be so brave, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to do that! lol

      PS. Love the disclaimer :)

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  5. Oh P, I understand how you are feeling.

    I think Cat is right - as John hasn't been well he didn't want to risk a further delay so decided to give you grace instead. I can understand this leaving you feeling frustrated, that it doesn't mean as much to him. I've felt the same way in the same situation. What we need to do is accept his grace, that the issue has been resolved and try to put it behind us.

    Talk to him, let him know how you are feeling. Show him that you appreciate the efforts that he has made so far and that you appreciate him taking on this new role and continue to try and be soft and submissive.

    um Grace has a point too. Maybe a reconnection spanking might help? sorry (?)

    I know it may feel that way right now, but you are not over your heads. You will get there.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. That Cat! Always full of wisdom, isn't she Roz? We have talked and we are in a better place right now. And you are right...I do need to let him know how much I appreciate what he has walked into for me, for us. Sometimes I wonder what I got us into! lol

      Hugs to you too!

      P

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  6. Sometimes what he considers being generous...we see it as forgetting about 'us' or not caring enough. It is a tough place to be. You are treading water right now...hopefully he will better soon, and all will be on track again.
    hugs abby

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    1. He is feeling much better Abby. And we are doing better as well. We talked about my concern that this isn't important to him and he has assured me that it is very important and that he is going to prove to me how much. I'm not sure how I feel about that! I'm not going to lie...it scares me a bit.

      Hugs back at ya

      P

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  7. I can totally understand your frustration...it's hard when you feel like something is so important and it kind of consumes your thoughts, only to get the feeling that it's not even on their radar. That feeling can lead you to wonder - is this really going to be possible for us?

    Since you can't turn back the clock and he's issued his decision on the missed punishment, that leaves you with moving forward and looking ahead. You've let him know how the situation made you feel and hopefully you can talk about ways to avoid it in the future. ((hugs))

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    1. Thing is Tess, he is such an amazing man that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me and I throw so many mixed signals at the man, I can't believe he even knows which way is up! Because I really do HATE punishment I sometimes try to get out of it...but when he lets me off, I freak out...poor man :( We are talking and things are looking up again. Thanks for the advice, I really do appreciate it.

      Hugs to you

      P

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  8. Hey there P :)

    I can't really give you better advice than what has already been given....a lot of wise ladies here.....

    I love what Cat said.....but I also get that it can be so frustrating when you wait...and wait....and WAIT...then nothing. But, like Cat said...maybe, just maybe he didn't want to put it off again....and make you suffer any further.

    This is one of those moments....that you have to trust that he really is trying to do what is best for the both of you. Hang in there my friend :D

    Hugs....

    ~Lucy

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    1. Trust! There's that word again Lucy! That word is starting to rank right up there with ATTITUDE! Sheesh! You had to go and throw that in...but you are right. I need to trust John. Period. Trust his judgement. Trust his decisions. I will work on that...Thanks my friend

      Hugs back at ya!

      P

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  9. That Cat - just when I have made up my mind about something, she does this thing where she shows another side to something.....lol
    It is a tremendous frustration, however. The times when it has happened here, I always rejoice for a few hours and then I find myself flushing the toilet when he is in the shower....not because it needs flushing, either.
    Something about it seems to resonate with TiH women, we need to know that we can depend and trust our HoH to stick to this commitment in dd. We do the hard part, we let every vulnerability show - and it is often not pretty - and we need to know that they honour that enough to follow through no matter what the circumstances.
    I know, btw, how unfair that is to the HoHs.....but I can't help feel that way.

    Lots of good advice, sweetie - tell him how you feel and move forward.
    hugs
    lillie

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    1. Lillie!! You are so baaadd - Unnecessary Toilet Flushing! I just can't stop giggling.

      Elisa xo

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    2. P,
      There was one time, months ago, that we were supposed to have maintenance. And Will fell asleep on the couch. The next day we were too busy or something, he said. The following day, he decided it wasn't necessary.

      I was pissed and hurt, like you. Because for me having that hanging over my head was nerve-wracking and caused me to start inwardly distancing.

      So I told him that and he was dumbfounded. I'm a spanko and he's spanked me plenty in the bedroom so he never once thought it was a big deal. He didn't understand the emotional part of it all.

      His thought-process seemed to be' "Well, now or later, whenever it happens it happens, no biggie."

      I had to explain to him that I was waiting, mentally preparing - emotionally preparing - every minute we were together and then doing it all over again the next day, and the next. And that my anxiety was through the roof!

      He had no idea.

      So, after that we just don't spank. Easy solution. No maintenance or R/A or anything other than playful smacks (or bedroom games).

      In our marriage now, he decided that he will spank only if I start to regress into old patterns of arguing or serious distancing that are detrimental to the fabric of our marriage - and he holds himself accountable to the same standard.

      I only tell you this in case John is like Will in that he sees spanking as a very last resort. And also because I'm thinking that maybe he's like Will was - the spanking was kind of out there on the perimeter somewhere for him whereas for you it was forefront! Maybe he doesn't understand that, yet?

      Just my perspective based on my own experience. If it doesn't fit for you, please disregard!

      In any case, you have a good man who adores you, and you him. :)

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    3. Lillie,

      I do desperately need his strength and consistency. We laid in bed and talked about what we each needed from the other and he told me that right now he just needs me to be patient as he figures this all out...I can do that...I think...

      Oh I may have once or twice in my life flushed the toilet unnecessarily while John was showering as well...hehe! I may have to start doing that again :D

      Hugs to you!

      P

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    4. Elisa,

      We have recently discussed the importance of following through and the sort...John is a very laid back kind of guy (not a push over by any means) and I tend to be a slight, tiny (miniscule really) high strung, which has made ttwd very interesting! I mean is been a breeze really...NOT! We are working it all out though :) And I do adore him more than anything!

      P

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  10. Pocahontas, I can completely relate to this. It is so hard to be made to wait, and then even harder to then be told you don't need it anymore. I'm glad you talked, sounds like you have it covered. In case it makes you feel better, you're definitely not alone! Cael and I are long distance at the moment due to having jobs in different states. Anyway, often times I'll be told I have it coming to me on the weekend (when we see one another) and then, it doesn't happen. It does hurt, but then sometimes he has his own good reason. Often he thinks that after I struggle with having "earned" it for the week, and he sees how sorry I am before he punishes me, he doesn't want to punish any longer. I know that on my end, it kind of helps to have that closure, but just saying, maybe he has a sweet reason in his head, too. Other times he says he doesn't want to ruin the weekend by punishing me. He's still "devoted" but sees it differently.

    So, I know it's hard not to feel hurt, but maybe see what his motives were too, and if maybe he thought he had your best interest at heart? *hugs*

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  11. Thanks for popping in and commenting Riley! I can't imagine doing this long distance. If you've read my blog, then you know I struggle doing this, and we live together.

    The main component of ttwd is communication. And though we fall and struggle, we keep communicating. We will get there.

    Hugs back at ya

    P

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