Thursday, January 24, 2013

I'll take that over fair any day

That was Sunday.  We were supposed to talk, but we didn't.  I tried a few times to break the ice that seemed to be thickening between us.  It was futile.  How many times could I put myself out there only to be rejected.  I was in a pretty bad place.  I went to bed alone Sunday night.  Oh he was there, in the same bed, but I was very much alone. 

At 5am the alarm sounded and John got up and started getting ready for work.  I lay there on my side of the bed unsure of what to hope for.  John always kisses me before he leaves in the morning.  Part of me hoped he would, that there was a small kink in his armor.  Part of me didn't know if I could stand to be so close to him, yet so far away.  As I lay there, a war raging in my soul, John approached me, bent down and kissed my forehead, and said he loved me.  Just as I had feared the proximity overwhelmed me.  I tried to hold it back. I tried to not let him see, but as the dam gave way a flood of tears and emotion crashed around me.  

He came back.  I pushed him away.  I couldn't bear for him to see what this had done to me.  He didn't relent.  He hugged me tightly, and apologized.  I could feel the change immediately.  The ice that had been such a solid force was breaking apart.  

We talked via text most of that day.  We talked that night about everything that had happened.  I worked up the courage to ask for a spanking.  He had shut down, but that was not an excuse for my behavior.  I had gotten angry, said some things that I wouldn't have even said before ttwd.  

We have been talking a lot about fairness recently.  Does it even have a place in ttwd?  Does it have a place in our marriage?  So far, what we have come up with is NO...it doesn't.  Is it fair that I am spanked for shutting down and he is not...no.  Is it fair that he has to carry the burden of making the final decision on things that affect our entire family...no.  Our marriage and our version of ttwd is not fair.  He will not make decisions based on what is fair, but what is effective, what is best for our marriage and our family.  While the decision may not be fair to either individual it will be what is best.

So he agreed and we cleared the air in the way that we had agreed upon.  Was it fair that I was spanked for behaviors that resulted from his actions...maybe not, but it is what was best for our marriage.  We are back to ourselves, our intimacy and closeness has been restored.  And I'll take that over fair any day of the week!

26 comments:

  1. Awe P, I'm so glad to read this and so happy you have worked through this and are back to where you both want to be.

    Good on you for communicating and for having the courage to ask for a spanking. Proud of you!

    You are right. It's not about fair, it's about what it best for each individual, your marriage and your family.

    Hugs,
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Roz! We hit another bump since then, but we will keep at it :)

      Hugs

      P

      Delete
  2. I'm glad you decided to write down some of this. I know you didn't feel like you wanted to, and no you shouldn't do what you don't feel is right- the question really was WHY did you feel you didn't want to share? I hope that in the process of deciding IF you were going to share, you made more discoveries.

    Hmmm? That is quite odd and vague....as long as you understand * wink*

    Here's hoping you manage to keep those lines of communication open with each other. So much easier said than done- as you and I both know.

    Love

    Willie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think that I was just so emotionally spent that I didn't/couldn't go through it right away. But yes, I always seem to make discoveries as I write. Thanks for allowing me to rant!

      P

      Delete
  3. Ya know P, in some ways the very same thing happened with us this week, just without the behaviour stuff. Happens to all of us.

    Now the trick is to keep communicating in whatever way works for both of you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know I keep saying this, but we will keep trying. We both have so much to learn.

      Hugs

      P

      Delete
  4. I think that the word 'fair' is the start of many marital breakdowns...it's not fair, are the beginning words to many a fight. I agree, open, close, together are all more important than fair.
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Abby. It is something that is a process, but we are learning this to be very true.

      Hugs

      P

      Delete
  5. I'm glad he didn't relent when he saw you were hurting in the morning...and that the spanking let you put the issue to bed once you'd talked everything out:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad he pushed the issue too! I am so glad we have a structure to deal with this stuff. Though we have a long way to go in really be able to operate in it, even in its infant stage it helps us to feel restored.

      P

      Delete
  6. Great post P! And I agree, I'll take our ttwd arrangement over "fair" as well. I'm glad that you reconnected and are moving on. That's always such a good feeling. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awwww Grace...you're too sweet! And it is the best feeling!

      P

      Delete
  7. Happy things are back on track for you. I hate the "Deep Freeze".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a great term "Deep Freeze" and it was definitely appropriate. We are working toward eliminating them as much as possible.

      P

      Delete
  8. There is real relief in having a means to solve these problems. That is one of the most wonderful things about this lifestyle. Ian has said so many times, he is so happy to have a remedy because in our former life those types of things could blow out of proportion and go on for long periods of time, and no it isn't always fair, but it works.
    Glad you are in a good place now, sweetie
    hugs
    lillie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Lillie it really has saved us countless days. We too would've just let the space between us freeze over and we would've continued to drift apart. We are better and everyday we learn a new/better way to be.

      Hugs back at ya

      P

      Delete
  9. I really liked this post because I've thought about this a lot. Everyone seems to say it's not really fair.....but it works. What is exactly not fair? Now trust me, I'll be the first one yelling it and the loudest one too....but I think it's more fair than we think sometimes. Is it fair that you get the resolve you both need to feel better? Is it fair that he gets the harmony that is now in his home, while you enjoy feeling cherished? I could go on and on but I think you get the point. Not to sound selfish, but I don't think any of us would have agreed to this if we didn't feel we would get out of it as much as we put into it.

    Now don't mention any of this to Brice because I'm sure by the end of next week I'll be yelling....NO FAIR!!! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for stopping by. I agree completely Betsy. The pros far outweigh the cons. Otherwise, we would have moved on already. Though some days are really tough, we work through them and come out stronger and have more tools for next time (I didn't mean next time, cuz next time I'll be good!)

      P

      Delete
  10. Hey P - Happy to read that you have worked everything out and are back to where you want to be...that's definitely fair! :)

    Blessings,
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Cat! That is fair! And one of the best...I mean honestly, there are some serious perks to this lifestyle :)...things about ttwd

      hugs

      P

      Delete
  11. Fair, there is no fair, lol. Balance beats fair any day of the week, P :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It sure does! Thanks for all our chats...sometimes I just need someone to pull me off the ledge :)

      Hugs

      P

      Delete
  12. I'm with June on this one!
    We didn't choose this lifestyle because it was fair but because it was a process that would bring about structure, increase intimacy, provide resolution and ultimately harmony.
    Glad you're back in a peaceful place. :)
    Catrinka

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Catrinka! Thanks for stopping in :) And yes peace and harmony are SO much better than the way we used to handle these things

      P

      Delete
  13. I will agree, fair in marriage is over rated! Glad you were able to communicate and work through this. Each time you learn and grow together. Good stuff!

    Sara

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm flattered you took the time to stop by Sara! And welcome back :) We are growing and learning every time. The fall isn't fun, but at least something good comes of it all

      P

      Delete