Caution: Rapids Ahead

I need a sign.  Something that lets me know what is coming around the next corner so that I can prepare.

Ok...so truth is the signs were all there.  In the last two weeks both of our cars had broken down.  One is going to be out of commission for a while, the other was an easier fix, but still took time out of our already busy schedule.  I had awoken (or not!) in a grumpy state and spouted off at mentioned to John something about needing to get out of bed and go to work and may have also mentioned something to the effect that he was really irritating me.  He got up, kissed me and left for work.  When I finally woke up, I felt bad and text My Love to apologize for being hateful a little less than pleasant.  He thanked me for the apology and said that we'd deal with it later.

We had the night to ourselves.  The kids were with Grandma for the night.  As great as that sounds, we had to go car shopping.  Not the fun kind of car shopping, the I need a car YESTERDAY kind of shopping.  It's a mad dash to find a car that both suits our needs and my wants ;)

I had mentioned to a fellow blogger friend that these times never seem to end well.  John and I had discussed resetting us as soon as the kids left and before beginning our car shopping, but it didn't happen that way.  So off to shop.  I was upset...I was disappointed...I was distancing a little.  I was getting irritated over the stupidest things.  We were both tired and it was creating the atmosphere for the perfect storm.

I have talked some about my husband's illness.  I don't want this blog to turn into something totally focused on that, as we try not to let it run our life.  That, however, was also in play this weekend.  This issue is heightened by stress and lack of sleep and we were facing both.

We went about our search for a car and even stopped for dinner, but the looming "discussion" hung out in the back of my mind.  This made me a real peach.  By the time we got home John was exhausted and was also in a lot of pain...so once again...no "discussion".

The next morning was just more of the same.  Silence.  No touching, no communication, no connection.   We got ready and headed out again to find the perfect car for us.  We did find a car.  It wasn't what I would've have bought if I was on my own...it was BETTER!  John insisted that I get it.

Unfortunately, John has been suffering a flare up and we still have not had our "discussion".  TTWD is kind of in the background for now.  We are just trying to get through this flare up.  I am trying to maintain my submission, but with the stress of his illness, our cars, sick children it is proving difficult.  Hopefully, things will settle down a bit soon.

I'll take that over fair any day

That was Sunday.  We were supposed to talk, but we didn't.  I tried a few times to break the ice that seemed to be thickening between us.  It was futile.  How many times could I put myself out there only to be rejected.  I was in a pretty bad place.  I went to bed alone Sunday night.  Oh he was there, in the same bed, but I was very much alone. 

At 5am the alarm sounded and John got up and started getting ready for work.  I lay there on my side of the bed unsure of what to hope for.  John always kisses me before he leaves in the morning.  Part of me hoped he would, that there was a small kink in his armor.  Part of me didn't know if I could stand to be so close to him, yet so far away.  As I lay there, a war raging in my soul, John approached me, bent down and kissed my forehead, and said he loved me.  Just as I had feared the proximity overwhelmed me.  I tried to hold it back. I tried to not let him see, but as the dam gave way a flood of tears and emotion crashed around me.  

He came back.  I pushed him away.  I couldn't bear for him to see what this had done to me.  He didn't relent.  He hugged me tightly, and apologized.  I could feel the change immediately.  The ice that had been such a solid force was breaking apart.  

We talked via text most of that day.  We talked that night about everything that had happened.  I worked up the courage to ask for a spanking.  He had shut down, but that was not an excuse for my behavior.  I had gotten angry, said some things that I wouldn't have even said before ttwd.  

We have been talking a lot about fairness recently.  Does it even have a place in ttwd?  Does it have a place in our marriage?  So far, what we have come up with is NO...it doesn't.  Is it fair that I am spanked for shutting down and he is not...no.  Is it fair that he has to carry the burden of making the final decision on things that affect our entire family...no.  Our marriage and our version of ttwd is not fair.  He will not make decisions based on what is fair, but what is effective, what is best for our marriage and our family.  While the decision may not be fair to either individual it will be what is best.

So he agreed and we cleared the air in the way that we had agreed upon.  Was it fair that I was spanked for behaviors that resulted from his actions...maybe not, but it is what was best for our marriage.  We are back to ourselves, our intimacy and closeness has been restored.  And I'll take that over fair any day of the week!

Problem is...he didn't tell me

*WARNING*  This blog post is the rantings of a PMSing, overextended, emotionally drained woman.  Though I do try to find humor in things, not sure it will happen and I intend to rant and cry and scream and just get it all out here.  Not sure if this will ever actually make it the blog.  You have been warned!

John and I are...well to be honest I don't really know what we are.  We have had some things happen this week that has added unwanted stress to our lives.  The main thing is that my car broke down this week.  For a bit of background I will tell you that we have had the WORST luck with vehicles over the last 2 yrs.  Prior to my car breaking down, we had discussed (very loosely) the possibility of buying a new car.  So when my car broke down AGAIN! I made a phone call to our bank to find out what the interest rate would be, etc.  The rate seemed high and so I asked my sister (who had just bought a car) what her rate was.  I then made a call to her bank to see what their current rates were.  I thought that I was helping.  I thought that this would take some stress off of John.  I thought that I would gather information and we would then talk about our options, being more informed.  John did not see it this way.  He was upset that I had not consulted him before making the phone calls.  Only problem is...he didn't tell me he was upset about it.

When I got home from work John was sitting on the couch.  I sat at his feet for a few minutes just talking about his day.  Then I said I had to go make dinner and he said he would shower.  Well John is...well he is SLOW!  I have always said that the man has two speeds...slow and slower!  By the time dinner was ready he still had not gotten into the shower.  Cue PMS, dieting, angry crazy woman... I was hungry.  I usually wait and eat with John, but I was mad!  He had plenty of time to get showered and HE chose to piddle around and I made sure he knew I wasn't happy.  I went back downstairs and made my plate and ate dinner.
Well John was upset that I had reacted that way.  Only problem is...he didn't tell me he was upset about it.

So that night we had a laundry list of things that needed to be discussed, things about our kids, the car, and last on the list was ttwd.  It was a lot to try to tackle in one night.  When we got to the issue of the car something was said that upset me and I recoiled (neither of us even really know what happened).  He got upset with me and said "So this is how it's going to be again".  And that was it .  He shut down.  I tried to get him to talk to me several times that evening, but it was too late.

The next day was even worse.  As we tried to communicate via text, things only escalated.  At one point I actually said "F*ck you!"  Not good...I know.  He said that we needed to talk that night...but it never happened.  We went to bed.

I woke up early Saturday morning.  I just couldn't sleep.  I chatted with a fellow blogger who encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone to try to make things better.  I balked at the mere thought.  But she persuaded me to at least try.  I agreed to try.  Midway through my "attempt" I began to cry.  I just couldn't take it and I moved away from him.  He came to me and we did the one thing we seem to always be able to get right.  

Were our issues still there...yes!  Did we still need to communicate...yes!  But it allowed the hardened exterior to crack a bit.

So we went about our day...Actually I got spanked twice (nothing major and over clothing) for eye rolling!  Apparently that is not acceptable behavior!  We had a great day actually.  We had lots of family time.  John and I were playful and happy.  I got several playful swats in the kitchen and once was even pounced on as he lay in wait for me as I came down the stairs.

Then it was time to talk again.  The kids were in bed and we were alone.  Well to say the least, it did not go well.  John after days of brewing proceeded to inform me of all the things that he was not happy about.  My attitude when he was not ready for dinner, that I had reverted back to old behavior regarding the car, that I didn't take care of him like I did in the beginning.  I felt attacked.  I felt like I had really messed up and that I would never figure this out.  Then he said that we would finish our conversation the following day.  The hurt and frustration soon morphed into anger as I felt as though I was being left to bleed out all alone.  And so that is where we are...  We are to talk a little later today...

Dreamy, floaty, smiley

I will warn you that I am currently is my dreamy, floaty, smiley place so this post may not make sense to anyone but me :)

John and  I spent several hours today talking and reading a few blog posts that I really felt spoke to us and our situation.  We had the most amazing discussions regarding ttwd, us, our future, how we see ttwd in our life, and other things along those lines.  

Recently June and Ward posted about exercises in Dominance/submission.  The post was excellent (as usual) as were the comments left by her readers.  It gave me a lot to think about and I decided that I would share her post with John along with a few others.  

We talked about the things that make him feel more Dominant.  We talked about what makes me feel submissive.  Oddly enough, they were almost exactly the same, with a few exceptions.  He is my perfect match :D

Lately John, when given specific examples of things that I want or need from him, is taking those "suggestions" to heart and running with them almost immediately.  Sometimes it is a bit disconcerting.  Especially when it's about him being more firm...like Friday!  Ugh!  That's another story for another time!  Today, however, it was dreamy!  When I told him the things that make feel more submissive he just immediately started doing them...aaahhhhhh!  

This is my happy place...on a beach staring out a the turquoise Ocean water, under a palm tree...Can't you hear the hammock calling to John and I...

I feel like we actually got somewhere today.  This is one of the first ttwd conversations that we have had recently that went well...really well.  I am excited to be doing ttwd again.  The last few weeks have been difficult for us where ttwd is concerned and I once again feel like we are walking together hand in hand into our amazing life!

Many Sides of an Angel

Last weekend was rough.  We spent way too much time not talking and it ended with the decision that punishment for ATTITUDE was in order.  Unfortunately, because John was in a lot of pain after the stress of the weekend, it had to be postponed.

Of course, I obsessed all the following day, but was determined not to let it affect my attitude toward my husband.  And for the most part, I succeeded.

OK!  Maybe I wasn't THAT good, but I handled it much better than I had in the past.

While at work that day, John started to not feel so well.  By the time he got home he was exhausted and just feeling blah.  So we went to bed early.  John however, had ideas other than sleep and though  I protested and said that he needed to rest, I was overruled.  This is the arrangement I agreed to. Punishment was postponed yet again and I was beginning to feel a little more like this.

I still had my wings, but the sweetness was fading fast.  (This is actually the face I often make)

We are now on day three of awaiting punishment to be carried out and I am trying desperately to hold on to my submissiveness, knowing that he had not felt 100%.  When John got home from work he was feeling better.  We had dinner and laid on the couch together.  I was still feeling a bit feisty, but was keeping it mostly under control.  At one point John actually held me down to lick my face. Disgusting, I know, but sometimes he really is just a big kid.  When it was time for bed, we went through our evening routine and headed downstairs where we laid in bed.  After some time, I asked if he planned to continue postponing this (by now it is just eating at me!).  He said that he wasn't feeling well again and that instead of postponing that I was off the hook.

I was angry, no holds barred kind of angry.

  

How could he?  How could we have went through hell all weekend long and then put me under the stress of a looming punishment.  A million thoughts ran through my head about how he doesn't really care because it's not his a** on the line!  Truth is that most of the things that flashed in my mind are completely false.  He is a loving man who cares deeply for me, thinks of me, loves me.  Truth is I wasn't angry...

I was hurt.

Hurt because ttwd seems to always take a back seat, because I feel tied up in knots over the things that are going on, but it's just not that important to him, upset that we schedule weekly times to talk about ttwd, but they never happen.  And if our relationship isn't that important...am I?

So here we are and a few days have passed and we have talked many times.  We are in a better place, but I still find myself...drifting.  I'm finding it difficult to swim in any one direction and instead just allowing the current to take me wherever it desires, indifferent to what lies ahead.  Don't misunderstand I still very much want ttwd to work in our marriage.  I've just gotten tired...maybe we're just in over our heads...maybe I am

And the Bottom Falls Out

And the bottom falls out...Last weekend we were cruising along in ttwd.  He was stepping up and calling me out on things that were affecting us and I was submitting to his decisions and respecting his perspective.  Then this weekend...nothing.  

We were on our way to the grocery store and I was ready to go.  He decided that he was hungry and going to get a yogurt.  I got frustrated that he wasn't ready and had been sitting on the laptop instead of getting ready.  When we got in the van I proceeded to tell him how irritated I was.  When I stopped I asked if he was now not speaking to me.  He said when I was finished yelling at him, he would talk to me.  So I stopped and he said nothing.  Nothing was said all the way to the store and nothing was really said at the store or on the way home either.    

So that's how it went all day...Not much talking other than when completely necessary...Not fun!  So at the prodding of the lovely Wilma, I went to try to talk to him again...It was a very long conversation.  John has mild forms of epilepsy and fibromyalgia.  When he gets stressed they flare up and so last night it was very difficult to have a conversation.  

Truth be told I couldn't even really remember why we weren't talking.  So I said as much to him.  He informed me that I had an attitude all day and wasn't being very kind to him...He was right.  I HATE admitting that! He said that he felt like we had went back to pre-ttwd.  For whatever reason, he didn't deal with it and it had just escalated.  

He decided that a punishment was in order for my attitude.  Again THAT word!  It's gonna be the end of me!  Unfortunately, because he had let himself get so stressed over it all, he was not physically able to follow through last night.  So now we have a  punishment hanging overhead :(  I am trying to not let it affect my ATTITUDE as I don't want to be in more trouble.  

I must admit, I get a frustrated with him because he knows what will happen if he doesn't deal with things fairly quickly.  He knows how it affects him physically.  On the other hand I feel extremely guilty that my behavior caused all the stress that led to his pain :(  Hopefully as we continue he will become more consistent which will limit the amount of pain he has to endure...

So to sum it all up...IT'S ALL WILMA'S FAULT!  She insisted I talk to him and had I just went to bed it would've been too late (as he has to let me know by the end of the night if there is anything I am in trouble for...his rule)  Now I'm awaiting a spanking!  Thanks Wilma!  Just kidding...thanks for the "ear" and your friendship.

Well things have definitely picked up around here.  John and I have had quite a bit of time off for the holidays...some good, some not so good.  The first half of our time together was quiet.  We looked a lot like this (when we were in the same room).

Then we were blessed with some alone time when my in-laws took the kids for the night.  We were able to talk through some things and were finally communicating again.  We read a blog post or two together.  Everything was going great...then I opened my big fat mouth and had the tiniest bit of  an attitude.  I don't understand as I NEVER get an attitude with My Love *shrug*.  And I got spanked for it!  We were doing so well, just enjoying one another and he goes and spanks me!  Okay...he settling into his role...he's paying attention...I better behave.

Fast forward to the next day...I got spanked again!  What for? you ask...ATTITUDE!  I'm really starting to HATE that word!  And it was right before leaving for a New Year's Eve Party!  I do have to say though that I am extremely proud of myself.  After a few minutes of talking...

How would you feel if I let it slide since you seem to have realized that how you acted was uncalled for?

After thinking for a moment...

Do you want me to be honest?  Or should I just lie to you?

Honest...as always

Well, I think we've done that too much lately...

So do you want me to spank you then?

Well...do you want me to be honest?  Or should I just lie to you?

Haha!  

Are you laughing at me?  That's not very nice!

I'm sorry!  I know you don't like being spanked for punishment.  Let's get this taken care of now.

And with that he led me downstairs and we took care of my attitude.  I was very proud of him.  I know that he doesn't like spanking me either (at least not for punishment!)

So all of that was now behind us.  But this morning I was in trouble AGAIN!  Man I really suck at this...and here I was wanting him to be more consistent!  This time he said I was being disrespectful to his preferences.  I rolled my eyes and he was paying attention!  When did he start doing that?  Ugh! 

 

So he decided that some corner time was in order :(  That is NO fun!  He wouldn't even let me have my phone...big meanie!  But again we are in sync and living in a harmony that we have never experienced.  

Tomorrow is John's birthday!  And hopefully there will only be fun spankings :)  So Happy Birthday My Love!  Thank you for being the most amazing man I have ever known.  Thanks for putting up (not so much anymore! lol) with me and my attitude.  He's getting old so he won't be able to see that last part :) hehe!  I love you more than I ever thought was possible!  I hope that this next year brings you more joy and love than ever before.