Monday, December 10, 2012

Brick Laying

I have been perfecting the art of brick laying.  In the past I would not build walls, I would lash out.  I was under the belief that the best defense was a good offense.  Since starting DD, lashing out gets me beaten black and blue is frowned upon.  So I have taken up brick laying in order to protect my behind.  It really is a pretty easy trade to learn and I have become pretty good at it.   

This last week has been wrought with "discussions".  Most of which ended in me erecting a fortress.  TTWD has uncovered yet another of my flaws.  (I'm starting to think of it a superhero...Da da da da!  TTWD!  To the rescue!  Saving women of all ages from themselves! Confronting all their demons and paddling them into submission!)  I assume the worst.  Not in all situations, but specifically regarding myself.  I jump to conclusions and they are never good, but end with me safe and sound in my castle with the draw bridge secured, moat filled and full of alligators.  Unfortunately, I am there alone, forcing John to swim the moat, slay the alligators and scale the wall to reach me.  

I like it in my castle.  It's safe and secure and no one can hurt me there.  My Love is not so fond of it.  Actually, he despises it.  He says that it's cold and dark and damp.  I suppose it's all a matter of perspective (though he may be on to something).  

So last night he said...I heard...and the brick laying began.  It was subtle at first, but he's getting better at recognizing when I pull out my trowel and mud.  

What's wrong?

Nothing.  I'm just tired. 

Are you sure?

Ya.  I'm fine. (Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!  I don't know why, but "I'm fine" is code for "I'm fine now cuz I'm already safe in my tower" and immediately gives me away)

Look at me.

I'm fine!

Look at me! (Grabbing my chin and tilting my head toward his)  I can see in you're eyes that you are NOT fine.  Are you shutting down on me?

No.  (I've already shut down!)  Don't judge me it wasn't a lie because technically I wasn't "shutting" down!

He talked for a while and brought me to a revelation of why I do it.  In the end it comes down to my need to protect myself...to make myself feel safe.  I know that this hurt him.  He should be the one to protect me, to protect my heart, to be my safe place. 
He blames himself for his inconsistency, though I disagree.  Many things have happened in my past that have led me to this occupation.  

He pulled me to himself and I cried into his chest and he comforted me and assured me that even in my vulnerability, I was in fact safe.  He was right.  I was safe and so was my heart.  He didn't run away screaming.  He held me tight and helped me strip away the callouses.  

I am scared.  I feel very exposed, but I know he is able to cover me and protect me.  I trust him.






12 comments:

  1. Vulnerability is so hard, Sweetie. It's scary. Especially when you've come from a past where you have been deeply hurt. But you learner something "he didn't run away screaming." I wish I could tell you how many times I have said to Ward that I was afraid he would. And he says to me..."just let me love you...let me show you the good."

    It sounds like John is saying the same thing to you. I'm here to tell you, you can survive being vulnerable. It is amazing to have that freedom, to be given that gift. It's okay to trust him, he's proven he'll catch you.

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    1. June you have no idea! He has proven himself to me time and time again...I should know that I can trust him by now!

      I am surprised everyday by how much I love this man and how close we are. I thought we had a good marriage before TTWD. It saddens me to realize how much of myself I have kept back.

      Thank you for your encouraging words

      P_

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  2. Ooh, I like the moat with the alligators!

    June is right P. When we first start feeling the vulnerability, it is terribly frightening. I still get scared at times realizing how open it leaves me to pain. Our men know this though, even if they don't verbalize it and they learn the gentle art of caring for us in those moments, just like John did. It feels very safe, doesn't it? Keep going there with him.

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    1. I have to have those snapping gators Susie! Something has to keep people out :)

      It's crazy all the things I did to make myself feel "safe" from him when he was what I needed all along... He didn't even mind my mascara marks that I left on his clean shirt! He seemed to wear them with pride. He truly is amazing!

      P

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  3. Thanks Sunnygirl! It's a crazy ride, but we'll get there together ;)

    P

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  4. This is all just part of it unfortunately. When we start to feel our walls...our protection...tumbling down it makes us feel open and raw. And it is so hard.....but soooo worth it. In the very early days I would have always says I was FINE (gasp!) or tired....and I would get in trouble every single time...because that is what it took to get me to break down my walls. Now....I would say 2 out of 3 times I can manage to say what is really wrong without building a wall. It takes times...but you all sound like you are doing really well. He is able to read you...and see that you really are not okay.

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    1. I'm trying to get better now about opening up to him and the more he shows me that he can handle it, the easier it is. It's still very scary. I'm just so used to taking care of myself and protecting myself. Don't get me wrong, he has ALWAYS protected me, but my heart was my responsibility because that's the way I liked it. He amazes me every day though...he's better at this than I had hoped...eeek! But I suppose I asked for it :)

      P

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  5. This post made me cry, P. So incredibly sweet, the way he handled this. And I so relate to you, in so many ways.

    It's enlightening, the moment you realize that the one person who wants to protect your heart with his love is the same person you feel that you have to protect yourself from...because you love him just as much. It makes no sense at all logically, yet psychologically it's instinctive for those of us who have survived great pain in the past. In fact, it is exactly these methods of coping that allowed us to survive!

    I do this thing with Will - I love him so much that I will protect myself from the love streaming right back at me - in case it ends somehow. In case he ever should devastate me. So that a piece of me is always prepared for the worst so that it won't hurt as badly as if I was unprepared.

    Funny how that doesn't actually do anything at all but cause hurt and distance where there shouldn't be any.

    Ttwd has been amazing with regard to showing us just how flawed and damaging that type of behavior really is...how it hurts us so much more - how ineffective the walls truly are after all.

    I'm showing this post to Will. Thank you, chica, for writing so honestly. Xo

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    1. Brick laying is damaging and I think TTWD has done a lot to heal me too! We do seen to have much in common...u should email me so we can chat more.

      If nothing else blogging has made me realize that I'm not alone in how I feel and my responses to those feeling are normal as well.

      XO's back at ya

      P

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  6. Hi..meet me...the expert wall builder!..Withdraw and add another brick, it worked great ( sort of) til Master came along. Tearing down those walls makes us very vulnerable...it is scary...but trust me...worth it!
    hugs abby

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    1. That means a lot coming from you...making it 10 years in this! That's a true accomplishment! Thanks for the encouragement.. Some days I definitely need it ;)

      P

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