Thursday, March 7, 2013

Moving Forward


Our relationship was awkward.  We didn't really know how to interact with one another.  It was almost like being roommates, but worse.  There was a distance...an unfamiliarity that had set in.  I cried myself to sleep most nights and cried most days too.  I was miserable and so was John.  We decided to give ourselves a deadline for making this decision.  We both agreed that living in this place of limbo was not good for either of us.


I let him know that I hoped that our "break" from TTWD would be temporary, but I also let him know that I was not saying I would jump right back in.  We talked a lot.  We discussed what our life together would look like without TTWD.  We talked about the parts of TTWD we were unwilling to let go of regardless of the decision that was made.  He didn't know if he could be the HOH, the dominant, I'm aware that some of you don't like that word...sorry, the leader that I needed him to be.  He feared that I would never be happy without TTWD.  I feared the same thing about the both of us.  He had once admitted that before TTWD he wasn't happy with our life and his role in it.  We had a good marriage before TTWD, but post TTWD had realized that there was so much more available and in comparison...maybe it wasn't so good.

We went back and forth for several days.  Some days almost seemed normal and we would both pretend to ignore the elephant in the room, but somehow the feeling that we had lost something would creep back in.  Some days it felt as though the elephant had found a nice comfy place to sit...right on my chest.

One evening as we were discussing what each of us needed, he came to the realization that   TTWD allows us to be better people.  It allows us to be better as a couple.  He talked of his needs, he talked of my needs...and then he had made his decision.  He wanted this.  I sat there for a moment feeling a bit stunned.  It had taken me off guard as we were well within our "time limit".  And then it was my turn.  He knew I wanted this too, but was I willing to be vulnerable to him?  It's the only way it would work.  I said that it would take me some time to open up again.  That I would need him to be patient with me and he asked the same of me.



I stand behind you....




Things have been great between us.  He is attentive and loving and stern and resolved.  It's different than it was before.  He's different.  I'm different.  He is taking the lead and putting rules and consequences in place for the betterment of our relationship.  We've kept the things that worked before and scrapped the things that didn't.  So we are moving forward together.  Him leading the way and me right behind him.

12 comments:

  1. Hey P....

    You have been on my mind a lot lately...I hope you all find some common ground to start to build on. These times can be so hard...I wish I had some words of wisdom...just know I am pulling for you both :) Hang in there....

    Big hugs...

    ~Lucy

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    1. Thanks Lucy! I appreciate all of your support. We are doing much better now.

      Hugs

      P

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  2. It's a very good place to be, P. There are growing pains, there have to be. If it was easy, would we value it so much? But the important thing is that even when we let go of each other's hands for that moment, we're never truly happy unless our fingers are entwined, and whatever step we take we take together. When the way gets scary, he walks a little ahead, still connected, then takes our hands and guides our steps.

    I don't think that it is possible to be here and go back. I don't think, for all the struggles, that we could ever sacrifice the genuine self that is required to live this lifestyle. Yes it was painful, but you got through together, and how much sweeter is the reward?

    (((hugs)))

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    1. So very true June! I knew that whatever decision was made we would make a way to work together. And in the end we both agreed that we could never go back. Thanks for being a shoulder to cry on...

      (((Hugs)))

      P

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  3. I'm glad you are in a better place. :D

    Lots of hugs,
    TL

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    1. Thanks TL. We are doing really well :)

      Hugs

      P

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  4. HI P, I too have been thinking a lot about you and am so glad to read this. I'm so sorry you had such a difficult time, but often out of these times comes the most growth.

    I'm so glad you found your way back to each other and a way forward.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Hi there Roz. I appreciate all of your thoughts. We did have a difficult time, but you are very correct...we have seen a tremendous amount of growth.

      Hugs

      P

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  5. Hi P - Sorry I have not been by blogs lately! I'm finally catching up :)
    looks like I've got some reading to do, but this post seems like you are in a better place - I'm sorry you were having such a hard time, but like Roz above said, the growth that comes from these ttwd road bumps can be a nice step forward!
    We have had many ups and down and "breaks" from ttwd ourselves... we seem to keep coming out one step ahead each time we resolve things, even if they step is a teeny tiny one.. It's still a step in the right direction in bettering our relationship.

    Hang in there!

    -Emi

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    1. Thanks Emi. We're doing great actually. It's been good for us to take a break and decide what really mattered to us

      Hugs

      P

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  6. An elephant in the room is the perfect way to describe the feeling when dd is loomy in the background of a relationship.
    I am thinking of you both,
    hugs
    lillie
    and I have to agree with Roz - the times of angst are always the times of growth....

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    1. It's how it felt...sometimes it was an elephant in the car, or in the bed, etc! Thank you for your thoughts

      Hugs

      P

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