Explosions and Fireworks - Happy New Year!

I can hardly believe that another year is coming to an end.  I think I say that every year.  And just the same as the last, they continue to roll by, at an ever increasing speed...or so it seems.

So many things have happened.  The most life-changing for us has been introducing TTWD into our marriage.  It has only been 3 months, but it has made such a dramatic difference.  Oh, there have been some explosions.

  

There were times I felt like I was going to have to scrape the pieces of myself off of the ceiling and wondered if I'd ever find all of me.  I've wondered many times in this journey if I was losing myself. Don't get your panties in a wad or start sending e-mails.  That is not how we operate.  I still have an opinion.  Sometimes it just "feels" that I'm losing myself.   

Sometimes I felt like he was in a galaxy far far away.  Sorry for the Star Wars reference...my son LOVES it right now :) and didn't understand, and didn't get it.  He didn't get how this was supposed to work.  He didn't get how I felt...He didn't get me. 

Somehow through communication and love we would slowly begin inching toward one another again.  And when I finally looked up, as the smoke from our explosion began to clear...

What had come from that explosion was something beautiful. The explosions had always served to create more intimacy and closeness than before.  We are most definitely a work in progress, but we are communicating in a way I had never even thought was possible.  I never even knew communication on this level existed.  

I have begun to be more open and honest because it is what is best for us.  Though it's not usually what is best for my backside.  And John has started to step up and lead our family and make decisions that he never would have made otherwise.  I have seen his self-confidence grow.  I have realized the influence I have in our family and even in TTWD.  I have the ability with my words and actions to create a place of rest and comfort for my amazing husband and also for our children.  A place that is safe from the outside world.  A place of love and acceptance.  A place of security and intimacy.

A place where we can grow to become the people we want to be.  Where I can be what John deserves.  What are children deserve.  

This has been a crazy amazing journey and 2012 will be a year I will not likely forget.  I'll be reminded every time I sit down! Here's to a new year and new adventures in 2013!  May this year be full of love and joy for you all. 

 

Willie, this glass of submission wine is for you!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Stay-cation frustration

John and I have taken a few days after New Years off to just have some down time.  We aren't going anywhere.  We don't have any concrete plans other than to relax.  We will also be celebrating John's birthday next week (which is how I talked him into taking the extra couple days off).  

I have to admit I am a little nervous about spending this much time together.  I am saddened and confused by  this feeling.  I know it is because last weekend was...well it's easier to say what it wasn't.  It wasn't warm, it wasn't loving, it wasn't intimate or close.  I did find out that my brick laying skills are just as good as ever :)  I built a beautiful large castle complete with moat and snapping gators, as is true to form. 

 Willie recently wrote how being around family can make us return to our "old" roles.  Maybe that was my problem.  Maybe I just can't seem to get out of my own way.

.

Maybe I just need to let some things go.

So the walls were knocked down and we talked and came up with a few concrete goals that we could work toward.  And then...well let's just say I can feel the walls going up again.  I don't know how to stop it.  At the first sign (and it can be the smallest thing) of trouble, I start laying bricks again.  I am so afraid of getting hurt. I never thought of myself as being an insecure person and I really don't like it.  I was always self sufficient.  Perhaps my walls made me feel protected.  I was not one who was easily offended.  Maybe I just feel more vulnerable without the comfort and safety of the walls.  

So many things have changed.  Today is 3 months since we began TTWD.  So many things have changed!  I know in my head they are all for the better.  My heart is taking a little longer to catch up.  My heart is taking everything personally.  

As a few wise ladies have told me, there are no short-cuts in this.  Everything has to be worked through with love, patience, and communication.  

Merry Christmas...and blah!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!  

I hope you all have had a wonderful time with your friends and family over the last few days...and I hope that Santa brought you everything you deserved ")

This is the first time in a while that I've had a few minutes to sit down to write.  I have managed to keep up on my reading since I can do that from my phone.  It has been a source of comfort to know that the holidays are a crazy time for other DDer's as well.

I have tried to get this post up several times, but just don't really know what to say.  I feel bad that I have not posted in 2 weeks!  I'm sure you all understand...

We have been having a rough time over the past few weeks and I still cannot completely get it figured out in my head.  Don't worry!  We still love each other passionately, but I am not so sure that we are cut out for this lifestyle. Usually writing helps me to figure things out, but every time I sit down to write...nothing...I've got nothing!  

We talk.  We say, "we will start xyz...and that will help".  But then...nothing.  So then we talk again.  This time we say, "let's just chalk that up to a bad day for both of us".  Then...nothing.  From the amazing ladies I have talked to this is pretty common, but I'm not sure where that leaves us.  It doesn't help that I have been extra emotional lately.  Not sure if that is the holidays, the added stress they bring, being around family too much, or if I can blame it on PMS, but that is definitely not helping matters.  

I just feel kinda...blah where TTWD is concerned.  When I figure something out... I'll let you know!

Horrified

Horrified...Confused...Angry...Sad...Outraged...Sympathetic...

Frightened...Tearful

These are just a handful of the flood of emotions I have experienced today after learning of the unspeakable acts committed against the elementary school in CT.  I cannot, nor do I even want to try, to imagine the loss that the parents and loved ones are feeling right now.  All I could think of was to get home as quickly as possible and wrap my arms around my children.  My thoughts and prayers go out to those whose arms are empty tonight.

I focused today, probably because I am a mother on the loss a mother must feel, but this picture made me think of those men who swore to protect their families and the depth of the hurt that is in their hearts tonight.  I pray that they would somehow find peace.  

Brick Laying

I have been perfecting the art of brick laying.  In the past I would not build walls, I would lash out.  I was under the belief that the best defense was a good offense.  Since starting DD, lashing out gets me beaten black and blue is frowned upon.  So I have taken up brick laying in order to protect my behind.  It really is a pretty easy trade to learn and I have become pretty good at it.   

This last week has been wrought with "discussions".  Most of which ended in me erecting a fortress.  TTWD has uncovered yet another of my flaws.  (I'm starting to think of it a superhero...Da da da da!  TTWD!  To the rescue!  Saving women of all ages from themselves! Confronting all their demons and paddling them into submission!)  I assume the worst.  Not in all situations, but specifically regarding myself.  I jump to conclusions and they are never good, but end with me safe and sound in my castle with the draw bridge secured, moat filled and full of alligators.  Unfortunately, I am there alone, forcing John to swim the moat, slay the alligators and scale the wall to reach me.  

I like it in my castle.  It's safe and secure and no one can hurt me there.  My Love is not so fond of it.  Actually, he despises it.  He says that it's cold and dark and damp.  I suppose it's all a matter of perspective (though he may be on to something).  

So last night he said...I heard...and the brick laying began.  It was subtle at first, but he's getting better at recognizing when I pull out my trowel and mud.  

What's wrong?

Nothing.  I'm just tired. 

Are you sure?

Ya.  I'm fine. (Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!  I don't know why, but "I'm fine" is code for "I'm fine now cuz I'm already safe in my tower" and immediately gives me away)

Look at me.

I'm fine!

Look at me! (Grabbing my chin and tilting my head toward his)  I can see in you're eyes that you are NOT fine.  Are you shutting down on me?

No.  (I've already shut down!)  Don't judge me it wasn't a lie because technically I wasn't "shutting" down!

He talked for a while and brought me to a revelation of why I do it.  In the end it comes down to my need to protect myself...to make myself feel safe.  I know that this hurt him.  He should be the one to protect me, to protect my heart, to be my safe place. 
He blames himself for his inconsistency, though I disagree.  Many things have happened in my past that have led me to this occupation.  

He pulled me to himself and I cried into his chest and he comforted me and assured me that even in my vulnerability, I was in fact safe.  He was right.  I was safe and so was my heart.  He didn't run away screaming.  He held me tight and helped me strip away the callouses.  

I am scared.  I feel very exposed, but I know he is able to cover me and protect me.  I trust him.

It's Just Not Fair!

TTWD is hard!  After a long day at work, then coming home to make dinner, help with homework, clean the kitchen, do a load of laundry, run the vacuum...well you get the picture...the last thing I want to do is submit to my husband.  One of our rules is that I take care of him.  He is very understanding of the demands on my time, but he likes me to do little things for him like get his tea or lay out all his toiletries before bed.  I don't get in trouble if I am legitimately busy or exhausted, but could be punished if I am just being a brat.  

Sometimes I start to feel like TTWD just isn't fair. (I know, I know, but let me have my pity party for a minute!) I mean I'm the one who is doing all the changing!  I can no longer think for myself (this really isn't the case, but is part of the party I'm having).  I now need his permission for or advice on EVERYTHING! (every party needs drama, right?)  I get spanked for speaking my mind screaming my opinion (how unfair is that!)  Since implementing TTWD my pride and my posterior have been wounded.

So I've come to the conclusion that TTWD REALLY ISN'T FAIR!!

Don't start throwing stones just yet!  I'm not done.  

Over the last week we have been discussing a voluntary change in our lives.  This decision will impact every area of our lives, some for the better, some for the worse.  It will affect our financial situation pretty drastically and our family interactions as well.  While I have weighed in on  the decision, ultimately John will make the final decision.  This will be the first major decision that he will make as HOH.  In the past this is a decision that we would have discussed, but I would have done whatever I thought was best.  Now, post TTWD, I no longer carry the stress of this decision.  It really is a relief.  I trust his judgement completely.  I know that he only wants what is best for our family and whatever he decides I will be ok with.  It's such a new feeling for me...to trust him completely.  I know that he is fully engaged in our family.  (Not that he wasn't before, but I never allowed him to express it) 

But from his perspective I know the feelings he must be experiencing.  He is responsible for us.  He is responsible for making the decision that will so completely affect us all.  He carries us on his shoulders.  If the wrong decision is made it will have serious consequences.  Either decision could be potentially detrimental to our life.  That's a lot for a person to weigh out.  

THAT IS NOT FAIR! 

I was always taught that a marriage should be 50/50.  What I have learned is that is doesn't work for us.  In our marriage each person must give 100% to the role that they are in.  I don't know that those roles are divided equally.  John is responsible for everything including my personal development, our marriage, and our family dynamic. My contribution seems minuscule in comparison.  

IT DEFINITELY IS NOT FAIR!  But I'll take that trade any day :D

Is there a Doctor in the house?

There is something SERIOUSLY wrong with my brain!  And I need a referral to a brain surgeon S.T.A.T.  Or maybe I just need an oral surgeon...to remove my tongue!

Let me explain.  There are some things that I don't do didn't used to do, even before TTWD.  For instance I NEVER didn't used to swear at My Love.  Now, I may have swore while having a conversation with him, but I didn't swear at him...there is a difference.  But for some undiagnosed reason (yea, yea, yea  I know that stupidity isn't a recognized disease, but I'm working on getting that changed) I chose now ,after implementing TTWD to start.  I chose the time in our marriage that he has all rights to beat my a** black and blue a nice shade of red!  

My Love has a tendency to tell me that I "must have said it in my head" when he hasn't heard something (ok so sometimes I had the conversation with someone else, but usually it's because he's old and therefore going deaf  he's busy with something else).  So on this occasion when he said it I replied,"F*ck you! And don't even start with the 'I said it in my head sh*t!' I don't want to hear it!"  Well let's just say that I was really wishing he was deaf at that moment!  He wasn't deaf and the look I got was enough to know I was not gonna be a happy girl...

So why now? Why does it seem that I'm having worse outbursts than I had before TTWD?  I really didn't intend to do it. It seems as though something in my brain just malfunctioned... Thus my desperate need for a doctor!  Any referrals?