Just Keep Swimming

Things haven't changed much in the last week or so.  Things here are...well they just are.  It's probably just me.  I've been in a bit of a funk and can't seem to get out of it.  Maybe it's PMS...which is a real possibility, but I've about had it with that.  I am so super emotional that I started tearing up while watching Rise of the Guardians with John and the kids.  When Jack Frost finds his center and what his purpose is...Ugh!  Yep!  Probably hormones!  

Whatever the reason, there seems to be a cloud of sadness over me.  Oh there are occasional breaks in the cloud where the sun (and a smile and maybe even a laugh) can be seen (or heard), but just beyond my eyes is a dam ready to burst and a flood of tears that could well drown a city.  "I'm fine" has become my mantra once again.  Mind you John doesn't like it so well and I do try not to use it, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't.  

So what do you do when you don't feel like doing anything?

Mr. Grumpy Gills...I think that's me! 

6 Months And Counting

Today is our 6 month DDversary.  It has been an incredible journey.  The highs have been intoxicating and the lows...well I've gotten intoxicated on more than one occasion.  We have learned so much about each other.  We have gotten much closer.  This has been one of the  best things we have ever done.  

So I thought I try something different.  Thought maybe some of you would like to hear from John since you always get to hear my side of things.  Here we go:

1.  What is the biggest change you have seen in our relationship?

Our communication.  Before we never resolved anything, now we are able to talk things out until we are able to come to some sort of resolution.  It doesn't always come easy or right away, but it's worth it.  

2.  Where have you seen the greatest growth in yourself?

My decision-making.  I never made any decision concerning our family life other than my own personal life.  Now I am in the position that I need to make decisions that affect everyone's life.  I have to think things completely through and can't be rash in my thinking.

3.  What is the greatest growth you've seen in me?

Your submission.  You always took the lead and now you've put yourself in the position to follow me.

4.  What is an area that you feel needs the most improvement?

Being more thoughtful of you.  I need to make sure that I take time to focus on you and just you and what you need and what you want.  I need to be able to read your body language, to be able to understand you better so that I can be better for you.

5.  What is an area you feel I need the most improvement?

Attitude when things aren't going exactly your way.  You have a tendency to digress to your old ways when things aren't going according to plan.  It's not at all helpful to our new dynamic, but it's something that we're working on.  

Giving Up Control

I'm not really sure how to say what's on my mind.  Not sure how to really get it out, but I need somewhere to sort things out and you lucky folks get to be my sounding board.  So as I have done in the past, this is my disclaimer that this may not even make sense by the time I'm done.  You have been warned.

I thought I was doing well.  I thought we were doing well.  It seems as though after every hill we hurdle down (see my last post) we encounter another.  I am aware that this is just how life works sometimes and that especially in ttwd because there is so much to learn.  

See now?  Here's my problem...John is teaching my 'style' of learning!

I am experiencing some anxiety over our children.  Specifically where giving control over to John is concerned.  I do my best to defer to him in things regarding them, but I'm realizing that I don't trust him where they are concerned.  These fears are completely unfounded and he has never given me a reason to distrust him.  It's just that I have always taken care of them.  I have always handled all of the decisions about them.  

I want to let go and give him control.  I'm just struggling with it.  I want to trust John in all things.  Why is it that it's so difficult to give up control?  Why is that after every victory, there's another hill just waiting to hurl you down it?

I know that none of this is very unsubmissive and that it is counterproductive to what we are trying to build.  

  

Alone on the Roller Coaster

There are many exceptional advantages to living this lifestyle.  We have experienced things in TTWD that we never would have otherwise.  It also has its pitfalls.  I've used the analogy before, but it seems to fit so well.  My emotions seem to be on a roller coaster.  I did sign up for this.  I paid the entry fee, stood in line (patiently waiting), climbed into the car and strapped in for the ride.  This ride is an adventure.  It's full of twist and turns, ups and down, and even a few loops.

Have you ever ridden a coaster?  I have!  And I do love them!  There's a process to getting to the top of the big hill though.  Just like TTWD, it's not an immediate and smooth assent.  There are chains that pull you up and sometimes it can be a bit jerky and uncomfortable.  

There is a point though where the front car begins tipping over the hill.  You know what's happening, but are frozen...trapped and unable to stop the free fall that commences.  So you descend wildly.

That is precisely what happened this week.  We had been doing amazingly.  And the next thing I knew, as the car reached the top of the hill, I looked over and there was no one there.  I was alone.  John had checked out and we were not communicating effectively.

I don't operate well on my own.  I need John.  That was difficult for me to admit, but I do.  I need him everyday.  I need to physically feel his dominance in my life, but I also need to feel him emotionally.  I need him to be present with me.  I often hate that I have become so needy.  It's a hard place for me to be...needing him and him not being available to me.  

Sunday Morning Spankings

Sunday mornings have always been a source of stress for me.  Getting six people up and ready, all at the same time, and out the door in time for church is a feat.  As the organizer of our gaggle, I usually end up frustrated and stressed thus lashing out at someone for not sticking to the schedule.  

When everyone sticks to the schedule, you get a happy P

I awoke this morning having certain "needs".  I had dreamed all night about spankings and sex and was needing John's attention.  He is always so willing to indulge me in my frequent desires...lucky me!  

After we had spent some quality time together, I got up to shower and begin the circus act that is Sunday morning. John also got up and tended to the animals.  John and I have different ways of prioritizing...well the truth is that he used to ALWAYS be late.  Since beginning TTWD he is usually ready when we need to leave, but I'm having a hard time remembering that he isn't the same guy anymore.  Sometimes I still feel the need to "instruct" him on what he should be doing.  He was not thrilled with my "instructions" I was just trying to help!  I apologized for, in his words, "trying to take over".  Unfortunately it wasn't long until I was back to "instructing".  John was less than impressed. 

I abruptly turned to him while we were both in the bathroom getting ready and asked him to consider preemptive Sunday morning spankings.  He didn't say anything. We were back in our room getting dressed when I asked John what he thought.  He said, "Okay".  I began unraveling.  Okay???  I'm not really sure what that means.  He doesn't really care.  This isn't important to him.  He's already tired of dealing with me and my roller coaster emotions.  That's a lot of pressure on that little word.  

What?

Okay just sounds so dismissive, like you don't even care.  

That's not what I said.  

You didn't say anything.

What do you want?  A list of 10 things we will begin immediately...

No.  I just want you to care.

I do care!

You're right...it's just me.

Well that phrase ranks up there with "I'm fine!"  Apparently neither are acceptable answers anymore.  I often hear things negatively.  I think the worst and devalue myself...it has gotten me into some trouble and John has assured me that he will be vigilant in changing this mindset.  After a bit more discussion, he announced that we had time and with that I was bent over the bed...dressed in dress pants and black wedges, hair and makeup done.  

It was brief, hard and fast, but sufficiently adjusted my attitude and relieved my stress.  Back on my feet and clothing firmly back in place we left for church on time and in harmony.

Mother Nature Got Me Spanked!

As women we have needs...complicated needs.  We cry when we are sad, or happy, or nervous, or something affects our friends.  We laugh when we are happy, nervous, and some of us even make jokes when we are sad or uncomfortable.  We can be hormonal, affectionately known around these parts as HORRO MOANS!, and sometimes we go from laughing to crying to screaming in a matter of a few minutes.  It's no wonder that our men have a hard time deciphering what we need and when we need it.

Except putting the HOH on pause is highly discouraged and Prozac may not help, but a good spanking seems to do the trick!

So I have been INSANELY mildly hormonal this week, but mainly over the last few days.  It has been a really busy week and then the hormones added to the mix creating a very stressed out P.  I have done a pretty good job of keeping my attitude in check, but could feel it threatening on Friday.  I told John that I was struggling and he said he thought I had been very good all week.  I got a bit frustrated that I told him I needed help and he didn't understand.



Saturday morning we woke and talked while laying in bed.  John decided that a bit of discipline was in order to reconnect and reaffirm and to help keep my hormones in check.  After discipline we moved on to other forms of reconnection

Afterwards I showered and starting getting ready to tackle another busy day, but before we could get out the door John said something that I took the wrong way that is SO unlike me!  In an attempt pull me out of my funk John spanked me again only it just wasn't quite enough and I couldn't wouldn't ask for more so I spent the better part of the day being grumpy.

The next morning we woke and began our weekend morning chat.  I finally worked up the nerve to tell him what I needed, a really intense spanking and extremely dominant sex.  We didn't have time then and had to get up and get ready.  We had a good day and when we finally got back home he and I snuggled up together.  Then opportunity presented itself and the kids were going for a short visit to Grandma's house.

John gave me a deliciously intense spanking.  At one point I began to fight for my position and he spanked a few more times before stopping to rub a bit.  I intertwined my arm in his legs and he reassured me and told me how good I was doing.  As he continued past my comfort zone, Mother Nature and her horror moans were put in their place As spanking gave way to other dominating activities I was led into my happy place.  But I still believe "Mother Nature God Me Spanked!"

Moving Forward

Our relationship was awkward.  We didn't really know how to interact with one another.  It was almost like being roommates, but worse.  There was a distance...an unfamiliarity that had set in.  I cried myself to sleep most nights and cried most days too.  I was miserable and so was John.  We decided to give ourselves a deadline for making this decision.  We both agreed that living in this place of limbo was not good for either of us.

I let him know that I hoped that our "break" from TTWD would be temporary, but I also let him know that I was not saying I would jump right back in.  We talked a lot.  We discussed what our life together would look like without TTWD.  We talked about the parts of TTWD we were unwilling to let go of regardless of the decision that was made.  He didn't know if he could be the HOH, the dominant, I'm aware that some of you don't like that word...sorry, the leader that I needed him to be.  He feared that I would never be happy without TTWD.  I feared the same thing about the both of us.  He had once admitted that before TTWD he wasn't happy with our life and his role in it.  We had a good marriage before TTWD, but post TTWD had realized that there was so much more available and in comparison...maybe it wasn't so good.

We went back and forth for several days.  Some days almost seemed normal and we would both pretend to ignore the elephant in the room, but somehow the feeling that we had lost something would creep back in.  Some days it felt as though the elephant had found a nice comfy place to sit...right on my chest.

One evening as we were discussing what each of us needed, he came to the realization that   TTWD allows us to be better people.  It allows us to be better as a couple.  He talked of his needs, he talked of my needs...and then he had made his decision.  He wanted this.  I sat there for a moment feeling a bit stunned.  It had taken me off guard as we were well within our "time limit".  And then it was my turn.  He knew I wanted this too, but was I willing to be vulnerable to him?  It's the only way it would work.  I said that it would take me some time to open up again.  That I would need him to be patient with me and he asked the same of me.

Things have been great between us.  He is attentive and loving and stern and resolved.  It's different than it was before.  He's different.  I'm different.  He is taking the lead and putting rules and consequences in place for the betterment of our relationship.  We've kept the things that worked before and scrapped the things that didn't.  So we are moving forward together.  Him leading the way and me right behind him.