Sunday, April 28, 2013

Self Sabotage

I have so much swirling around in my head and I am desperately trying to get some of it out.  I have no idea where this post will end up or if it will make any sense at all, but I have to get all this stuff out of my brain.


This lifestyle has caused me to learn a lot about myself, most of it not so good.  There are things that have surfaced over the last several months that I desperately wish to change.  They will take time, I know that.    I am rather impatient with myself.  John tends to be more understanding.  He says that I have spent many years dealing with things a certain way and I can't change my way of thinking over night.  It's unfair to him.

I can't seem to get out of my own way.  I have difficulty communicating my needs to him for fear that they will be unmet and then I am frustrated from living with unmet needs, but now also hurt.  I know that if I don't tell him, he won't know, somehow that doesn't make it much easier.  I am trying.  It's usually after-the-fact that I realize that I have once again sabotaged myself.

Bahahaaha!
                                     

I often dwell on the worst possible outcome in situations.  If John is physically or mentally exerting himself during the day, I jump to the conclusion that he will not have anything left for me at the end of the day.  I let my mind run wild.  He doesn't care about me.  Not only am I on the bottom of his priority list, I wonder if I even make the list at all.  By the time I think to do the submissive thing and talk to him about it, it comes out as an accusation rather than a question or statement of my concern.  Why can I not trust that he thinks of me?  Why can I not trust that he cares for me?


 Why can I not just let go?    







I am aware that I am again asking questions that no one has the answers to.  The last while has brought a lot of self reflection and this is the only way I can sort through it all.  I apologize for the rambling and lack of clarity of this post.

12 comments:

  1. I completely understand this post, P. I could have written it myself. Hugs! We will get there.

    Elusa Xo

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    1. Thanks Elisa. Sometimes it's nice to know I'm not alone (and crazy lol)

      P

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  2. Oh there may not be any good answers but I totally understand--right from not being able to get out of my own way to going to the most negative place and thereby communicating all the wrong things to him.

    I hope he reads this and that he can see that it isn't your intent to communicate these things, more that when you get to your lowest points this is what comes out. Maybe he can think of some ways to help pick you up before you get to those negative places.

    Hang in there P...this growing business is hard work.

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    1. It is hard work, isn't it? But always so worth the work it takes. He has read this post and is helping me to work on these issues.

      Hugs

      P

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  3. Hey P,

    I too completely understand this too. Hang in there!

    huge ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. We are doing well Roz! I know these last few posts have been a bit negative, but I've just been extremely contemplative.

      HUGE HUGS BACK AT YA!

      P

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  4. Your blog...here to help you...! And those questions....most of us have struggled with them..this journey takes time to sort out.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thanks Abby! I am so hard on myself sometimes. I get frustrated when things don't work out quickly. I have to give us time to find ourselves in this.

      Hugs

      P

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  5. Just keep rambling, it will all come together.

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    1. Thanks for not running away screaming Sunnygirl! lol

      P

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  6. Hi P! :)

    I'm late to read here, but just wanted to tell you that I get this as well. It is so easy to go down a negative "what if" path and talk ourselves into an outcome that hasn't even taken place. I'm really glad that John has read this and that he is now helping you with it. :). Rambling is helpful- no worries! Hugs!

    <3 Katie

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  7. Have you been poking around in my head and suffering from my thoughts??

    I must admit, some of my most rambling and unclear posts have helped me to work my way towards some semblance of clarity in a way that others have not.

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