Thursday, April 11, 2013

Controlling the Need to Control

It was finally a nice day.  After months of clouds and snow, the sun was shining so we decided to take the kids to the park to ride their scooters and get some fresh air.  Going to the park always makes me feel like a kid again.
It's not quite warm enough here yet, but I love to walk around barefoot and feel the green grass between my toes and the sunshine on my face.  I can't wait for summer.  It's my favorite time of the year.  To hear the kids laughing and splashing in the pool, feel the sun penetrating deep into my muscles and bones...

Sorry I tend to drift off when I think of summer.  Anyway, we had a nice peaceful walk/ride down the trail through the woods and enjoyed one another and the beautiful weather.

It was on our way home that it hit.  My incessant need to control things.  I never realized how bad it was until we started TTWD.  And I certainly didn't realize how hard a habit it would be to give up.  Okay, okay!  I realize that I was am in denial.

We were listening to satellite radio.  John was controlling the station.  Now we typically listen to similar music and both have somewhat eclectic tastes.  However, John occasionally listens to things that I don't like AT ALL.  I began to tease and poke fun at his choices.  When the song ended he started trolling the stations and I decided to "help" him find a better choice.  Well APPARENTLY that is NOT acceptable.  He immediately became visibly irritated with me and I quickly changed it back so he could continue trolling.  It was too late.

  

When we arrived home I was instructed to go to our room and wait for him.  He came in and sat on the bed opposite me and lectured on my control issues.  Assured me that it was not really about the radio, but about my unwillingness to relinquish control... Initially, I was defensive and tried to make it about the radio.  He continued to discuss my behavior and slowly,I began to see how devastating my actions have been to us.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as that realization settled on me.  He informed me that I would be corrected for it.  He was disappointed that even after such a strenuous spanking that morning, I was still unable or unwilling to fully submit to him.

After the kids are in bed, we will come back here and take care of this.

Already emotionally shaken, I curled up into his arms and laid there for a moment.

Can we do it now?

Are you asking me to spank you now?

Yes.  Please.  I'm so sorry I disappointed you and don't want to wait.  We can turn on the radio so the kids won't hear.  That phrase just dawned on me as ironic as that damn radio is the reason I was getting spanked! Please. 

Alright.  Get ready and into position.  

This is a good time to have a short conversation about actions and consequences, though you will be listening much better in about half an hour… Take a deep breath… You’re gonna need it…

I cried through the whole thing.  Not because it hurt (which it did!  It was still sore from that morning's spanking), but because I had disappointed him.  That I had disappointed myself.  That I was destructive to our marriage and what we are trying to build.

My control issues are deeply ingrained in my brain.  I don't know how or if I will ever fully shake them.  They have served me well (ok...maybe not well, but I have managed to protect myself).  I'm sure with John's help I will learn to operate without them.


                                                                                                                                       

18 comments:

  1. I have been struggling with this as well. It is not an easy thing. Trying to just stop controlling completely just seemed impossible so I am trying right now to just be aware of when I am trying to control things. The controlling words still leave my mouth and the actions still happen but as I am aware of them I can apologize right away. I have noticed on a couple occasions that I have been able to stop myself before going as far as I might have in the past. I am still controlling more than I would like but even a tiny bit of progress is good right?

    I wish you luck with it and thankfully John is happy to help you with it :)

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    1. Progress is always good Mischief! The thing I keep learning is that ttwd isn't about a destination, it's about the journey together :)

      Hugs

      P

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  2. Oh Pocahontas I relate to all of this! "The best of times, the worst of times!" All I know is that I am going to zip my mouth shut, put my hands behind my back and stare at the floor! It's obviously the only way I can keep out of trouble!

    Hugs

    Ami

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    1. Lol Ami! Bound and gagged in the corner would keep me outta trouble too! Lol!

      Hugs

      P

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  3. Oh my goodness, I can totally relate to this post, both the control part as well as the car radio part. I find it so difficult to give up control over even the tiniest of things. H has also had a talk to me detailing, after many arguments on journeys that the choice of music in the car is his decision

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    1. Welcome Janey! And thank for popping in! I am so glad we don't have a rule about music in the car and he usually allows me to chose. I guess I didn't realize how much of a control freak I was.

      P

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  4. I am a bit of a control freak too....I know you are terribly shocked! ;) But, for me anyway....I have a fear if I don't do or say or tell what I "think" needs to be done or whatever that he won't know to do it or fix it or whatever....

    In reality, if I would sit back and be patient he would show me that he is very much in control of our little journey. Control and trust go hand in hand. We have to trust that they have this/us and then we can let go of the minor details....

    We have all been there....

    Hugs...

    ~Lucy

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    1. Not my dear sweet Lucy! Not controlling! That's nonsense! Lol! But yes you are correct...I mean surely be was capable of picking music...Ugh! I think I'm hopeless!

      Hugs

      P

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  5. Sorry to hear you got double spankings but hope things will get better hugs

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    1. I'm not sorry! Not for the spankings anyway... One was affirmation, the other deserved and I love him for being so committed to us :)

      Hugs

      P

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  6. Hi P,
    My controlling tendencies are at the very heart of why we continued with dd after initially starting for a number of reasons. I do it all the time and like you it makes me so sad when I realize how I have "acted out" with it. Over time it has gotten better and I am more self controlled about it but instead I build the walls inside over it.

    All that to say that I think for some of us ladies, this is so part of our DNA, learned at our mother's knees that it's not going to go away...but we can learn and grow and have a lot of success with change. Don't be too hard on yourself. Try to notice the next time you are tempted but don't control. I bet you will see changes if you look hard. Please come talk to me anytime it starts to get you down...lol...b/c this is my life!

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    1. It does seem ingrained in us doesn't it Susie. So much so that I didn't even realize when I was doing it. I need John to continue to point it out to me :( and yes I felt awful for my behavior afterwards.

      Hugs

      P

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  7. Oh P. You have my sympathy, bless you, we can only do our best.
    love Jan.xx

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    1. Very true Jan. we can only do our best and hope that with some guidance to become better wives, mothers and people in general.

      Hugs

      P

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  8. Hey P,

    It is so hard to give up that control, it is so ingrained in us. I think as Mischief said, it's a good thing if we can recognise when we are doing it, or are about to take that control It gives us the opportunity to nip it in the bud. Try not to be hard on yourself and focus on those times you don't control.

    This does go hand in hand with trust and it takes time. We learn and grow together.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. I have learned so much about myself in this journey Roz. Some not so good, but even with all those things I have to remind myself that John loved me even before I was trying to improve and that helps me to keep things in prospective.

      Hugs

      P

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  9. As Jan said, we can only do our best. I'm sure it will continue to get better.

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    1. As they say 'the first step to overcoming a problem is admiting you have one', right? So...Hello my name is P...and I'm a control freak. Lol!

      Hugs

      P

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