Self Sabotage

I have so much swirling around in my head and I am desperately trying to get some of it out.  I have no idea where this post will end up or if it will make any sense at all, but I have to get all this stuff out of my brain.

This lifestyle has caused me to learn a lot about myself, most of it not so good.  There are things that have surfaced over the last several months that I desperately wish to change.  They will take time, I know that.    I am rather impatient with myself.  John tends to be more understanding.  He says that I have spent many years dealing with things a certain way and I can't change my way of thinking over night.  It's unfair to him.

I can't seem to get out of my own way.  I have difficulty communicating my needs to him for fear that they will be unmet and then I am frustrated from living with unmet needs, but now also hurt.  I know that if I don't tell him, he won't know, somehow that doesn't make it much easier.  I am trying.  It's usually after-the-fact that I realize that I have once again sabotaged myself.

Bahahaaha!

                                     

I often dwell on the worst possible outcome in situations.  If John is physically or mentally exerting himself during the day, I jump to the conclusion that he will not have anything left for me at the end of the day.  I let my mind run wild.  He doesn't care about me.  Not only am I on the bottom of his priority list, I wonder if I even make the list at all.  By the time I think to do the submissive thing and talk to him about it, it comes out as an accusation rather than a question or statement of my concern.  Why can I not trust that he thinks of me?  Why can I not trust that he cares for me?


 Why can I not just let go?    

I am aware that I am again asking questions that no one has the answers to.  The last while has brought a lot of self reflection and this is the only way I can sort through it all.  I apologize for the rambling and lack of clarity of this post.

Maybe I Just Need Too Much

Maybe this is just related to my control issues.  Not sure really.  Maybe our life is just too busy.  I need a lot of attention on a regular basis and tend to spiral when I don't get it.  I don't usually even realize it right away. It's usually not until things have deteriorated significantly that I look around and can see where I've fallen to. 

 

I've been known to be a bit high strung.  Translated in DD, high maintenance.  I hate that term.  It makes me feel like a car or something.  The other reason I hate that is it makes me needy.  I need John more than I have ever let myself believe or feel.  Have I always needed him?  Sure, to some degree, but I had convinced myself that I could take care of myself.  I was rarely hurt because I had little expectation.  If he paid attention to me it was nice, if not, I was alright.  Now if I don't receive that attention regularly I feel like I'm devastated.  I don't like it.

So what do I do?  How do I need him so desperately, yet not hold that expectation?  That control?  Is the need to control what is causing me so much pain?  Do I just need too much?  More than he is able to give right now?  

  

Controlling the Need to Control

It was finally a nice day.  After months of clouds and snow, the sun was shining so we decided to take the kids to the park to ride their scooters and get some fresh air.  Going to the park always makes me feel like a kid again.
It's not quite warm enough here yet, but I love to walk around barefoot and feel the green grass between my toes and the sunshine on my face.  I can't wait for summer.  It's my favorite time of the year.  To hear the kids laughing and splashing in the pool, feel the sun penetrating deep into my muscles and bones...

Sorry I tend to drift off when I think of summer.  Anyway, we had a nice peaceful walk/ride down the trail through the woods and enjoyed one another and the beautiful weather.

It was on our way home that it hit.  My incessant need to control things.  I never realized how bad it was until we started TTWD.  And I certainly didn't realize how hard a habit it would be to give up.  Okay, okay!  I realize that I was am in denial.

We were listening to satellite radio.  John was controlling the station.  Now we typically listen to similar music and both have somewhat eclectic tastes.  However, John occasionally listens to things that I don't like AT ALL.  I began to tease and poke fun at his choices.  When the song ended he started trolling the stations and I decided to "help" him find a better choice.  Well APPARENTLY that is NOT acceptable.  He immediately became visibly irritated with me and I quickly changed it back so he could continue trolling.  It was too late.

  

When we arrived home I was instructed to go to our room and wait for him.  He came in and sat on the bed opposite me and lectured on my control issues.  Assured me that it was not really about the radio, but about my unwillingness to relinquish control... Initially, I was defensive and tried to make it about the radio.  He continued to discuss my behavior and slowly,I began to see how devastating my actions have been to us.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as that realization settled on me.  He informed me that I would be corrected for it.  He was disappointed that even after such a strenuous spanking that morning, I was still unable or unwilling to fully submit to him.

After the kids are in bed, we will come back here and take care of this.

Already emotionally shaken, I curled up into his arms and laid there for a moment.

Can we do it now?

Are you asking me to spank you now?

Yes.  Please.  I'm so sorry I disappointed you and don't want to wait.  We can turn on the radio so the kids won't hear.  That phrase just dawned on me as ironic as that damn radio is the reason I was getting spanked! Please. 

Alright.  Get ready and into position.  

I cried through the whole thing.  Not because it hurt (which it did!  It was still sore from that morning's spanking), but because I had disappointed him.  That I had disappointed myself.  That I was destructive to our marriage and what we are trying to build.

My control issues are deeply ingrained in my brain.  I don't know how or if I will ever fully shake them.  They have served me well (ok...maybe not well, but I have managed to protect myself).  I'm sure with John's help I will learn to operate without them.


                                                                                                                                       

Surprises

I LOVE surprises!  Not the kind of "I have a surprise for you, but you'll have to wait" kind.  Those drive me crazy!  The "SURPRISE!" kind :)  Friday night I got a surprise.  My sister called and asked to keep the kids for the night.  Not one of the kids, or even two, or three, but ALL FOUR!!!!  SURPRISE!  Yay me!!!  It was already later in the evening so John and I were not going to have a traditional date night, but who needs traditional!

We were able to spend time reconnecting in our own special ways.  It was amazing.  We started by cuddling and snuggling on the couch.  We talked about us.  We read  a few blog posts and talked some more.  John has been exceptional lately.  He has really been showing up for us and it is making a huge difference.  I feel so loved and cherished and taken care of.

Anyway...back to our evening.  I love our children and so does John, but we also love when we get time alone.  There are things that we can do that are more than difficult when there are children in the house.  We get to explore our own home and one another.  Some time later we passed out in each other's arms totally sated and spent.

The next morning we awoke still intertwined in each other.  We lay there together and talked a bit.  Suddenly, his fists were full of my hair and I was pleasuring him.  Then I was placed in position and John was spanking me  I have a need for his touch during a spanking, any spanking regardless of the reason for it.  I wrap my arm into his leg and hold onto it like a lifeline.  Most of the time John wraps his non-spanking hand around my waist which provides more comfort to me than I think he even realizes.  It was delicious.  I started to struggle for my position and after a few more swats he took a break to rub.

Have you realized yet that I own your ass?



HUH?!  What happened to my meek and mild husband???  And did I mention how incredibly HOT that was?  So I answered in the only way that is appropriate in a moment like that

Yes Daddy

Then he continued to remind me of his dominance over me, of his love for me, of his devotion to us.  After he had pushed me passed my comfort level, he held me tight and comforted me.  I felt loved.  I felt owned.  I felt cared for.  He expressed his dominance and love in another form before I was off to make us breakfast.
It was a much needed time of reconnection for us both.  SURPRISE!

Just Keep Swimming

Things haven't changed much in the last week or so.  Things here are...well they just are.  It's probably just me.  I've been in a bit of a funk and can't seem to get out of it.  Maybe it's PMS...which is a real possibility, but I've about had it with that.  I am so super emotional that I started tearing up while watching Rise of the Guardians with John and the kids.  When Jack Frost finds his center and what his purpose is...Ugh!  Yep!  Probably hormones!  

Whatever the reason, there seems to be a cloud of sadness over me.  Oh there are occasional breaks in the cloud where the sun (and a smile and maybe even a laugh) can be seen (or heard), but just beyond my eyes is a dam ready to burst and a flood of tears that could well drown a city.  "I'm fine" has become my mantra once again.  Mind you John doesn't like it so well and I do try not to use it, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't.  

So what do you do when you don't feel like doing anything?

Mr. Grumpy Gills...I think that's me! 

6 Months And Counting

Today is our 6 month DDversary.  It has been an incredible journey.  The highs have been intoxicating and the lows...well I've gotten intoxicated on more than one occasion.  We have learned so much about each other.  We have gotten much closer.  This has been one of the  best things we have ever done.  

So I thought I try something different.  Thought maybe some of you would like to hear from John since you always get to hear my side of things.  Here we go:

1.  What is the biggest change you have seen in our relationship?

Our communication.  Before we never resolved anything, now we are able to talk things out until we are able to come to some sort of resolution.  It doesn't always come easy or right away, but it's worth it.  

2.  Where have you seen the greatest growth in yourself?

My decision-making.  I never made any decision concerning our family life other than my own personal life.  Now I am in the position that I need to make decisions that affect everyone's life.  I have to think things completely through and can't be rash in my thinking.

3.  What is the greatest growth you've seen in me?

Your submission.  You always took the lead and now you've put yourself in the position to follow me.

4.  What is an area that you feel needs the most improvement?

Being more thoughtful of you.  I need to make sure that I take time to focus on you and just you and what you need and what you want.  I need to be able to read your body language, to be able to understand you better so that I can be better for you.

5.  What is an area you feel I need the most improvement?

Attitude when things aren't going exactly your way.  You have a tendency to digress to your old ways when things aren't going according to plan.  It's not at all helpful to our new dynamic, but it's something that we're working on.  

Giving Up Control

I'm not really sure how to say what's on my mind.  Not sure how to really get it out, but I need somewhere to sort things out and you lucky folks get to be my sounding board.  So as I have done in the past, this is my disclaimer that this may not even make sense by the time I'm done.  You have been warned.

I thought I was doing well.  I thought we were doing well.  It seems as though after every hill we hurdle down (see my last post) we encounter another.  I am aware that this is just how life works sometimes and that especially in ttwd because there is so much to learn.  

See now?  Here's my problem...John is teaching my 'style' of learning!

I am experiencing some anxiety over our children.  Specifically where giving control over to John is concerned.  I do my best to defer to him in things regarding them, but I'm realizing that I don't trust him where they are concerned.  These fears are completely unfounded and he has never given me a reason to distrust him.  It's just that I have always taken care of them.  I have always handled all of the decisions about them.  

I want to let go and give him control.  I'm just struggling with it.  I want to trust John in all things.  Why is it that it's so difficult to give up control?  Why is that after every victory, there's another hill just waiting to hurl you down it?

I know that none of this is very unsubmissive and that it is counterproductive to what we are trying to build.