Storms

It has been a crazy couple of days here.  Hurricane Sandy is in full force.  We were without power for a while, but we are now warm and cozy once again. 

Like the storm that rages outside, one rages inside as well.  Though at the core I know all is well, the rifts on the surface are beginning to wear on me and My Love as well.  I am experiencing a myriad of emotions and from one moment to the next don't know which will show itself.  I have always been an emotional and passionate person.  I feel as though I have been blindfolded and strapped onto a roller coaster.  I am unable to prepare for the twist, turn, or loop until its happening and then when it all finally stops and all is quiet I'm left confused and dizzy and sick to my stomach. 

My Love and I are both have a lot going on which makes dealing with the issues of DD difficult to say the least.  We are both still very much committed to making it work especially since seeing the initial benefits.  Secretly I fear I don't have what it takes to make this journey.  I am strong, stubborn, opinionated, and driven.  I fear that if My Love ever decides to actually spank for every spankable offense I committ I will never be able to sit down.  Maybe that's part of the problem.  I fear that He's not 100% committed.  In our attempt to make this grand exchange I fear what will happen if I let go of everything and no one is there to pick it up.  I feel very...unsettled.  Like my whole world is a snow globe that some sticky-fingered kid has picked up and skaken.  Everything is a mess.  The funny thing is that you'd never know anything was wrong from the look on the child's face.  The face spliiting grin and the joyous laughter that now fill the air.  While my world seems it doesn't quite fit yet I still walk around with that same stupid grin and joyous laughter because even with all its challenges I really am happier.

I know that it will take time to settle into our new roles.  The truth is that after everything stops spinning and the urge to vomit has passed, I'm the one yelling "That was AWESOME!" 

Triggers

Why is it that sometimes it's the little things that set you off?  I have a bit of a temper and more often that I'd like to admit I let it get the better of me.  I also have a flare for the dramatic.  No, I don't throw things or hit, but I can make a mountain out of a mole hill.  As I've mentioned I've always had a "my way or the highway" mindset.  As such, I tend to like things done the way I want them done and in the time frame that I want them done in and when that doesn't happen I get upset.  It's always worked for me, or so I thought.  We have 4 children and getting things done has always been my business.  Getting everyone up and ready for school, getting everyone's lunches, homework, etc...you get the point...  I never tolerated lolly gagging in our children or my husband.  Now I find myself in an impossible situation.  My husband manages to get himself up for work everyday of the week.  He is on time everyday.  But on Sunday when it's time to get up and get ready for church he lolly gags.  It takes him forever to even get out of bed.  Once he's finally up he moves to the couch.  Eventually he goes to the kitchen for breakfast.  Anyway my point is it takes FOREVER and it drives me CRAZY!  I have 4 kids and I don't need another.  I tried talking about how frustrated I was and his response was "I'll take care of it".  What exactly does that mean?  We've been married for 13 yrs and it's always been a fight, so forgive me when I'd like a little more reassurance.  I know that's not the point of this lifestyle.  I know that I've got to let him do things on his own, but old habits die hard!  My fears are not illegitimate though.  What if he doesn't "take care of it"?  What if we're late every Sunday for the rest of our lives?  I know that being late isn't the end of the world.  I know there are worse things to be.  But it is one of those little things that just eats at me.  I can tell myself that I'm not going to care that it's not going to bother me over and over again, reciting it to myself.  Then all of a sudden IT BOTHERS ME!  My insides are screaming and most of the time so are my outsides.  How do I keep our family moving smoothly without being disrespectful to My Love?  Because unfortunately that's exactly what ends up happening...I become disrespectful and start treating him like one of the children.  He doesn't really know what to do in that moment and I am in no way inclined to cut him any slack.  Now that it's over I do feel bad.  I know that he's trying and we're both in unfamiliar territory.  He's afraid of my reaction so he behaves passive aggressively instead of just dealing with it straight on.  I know what will have to happen and I'm really not looking forward to it.

Speed Bumps

In every new relationship there are those moments when you experience speed bumps.  Speed bumps are really annoying and can be painful especially when you're in a hurry.  I thought these moments were behind us for the most part.  We've known each other most of our lives and have been married long enough to have adjusted to each other's tendancies.  And then enter DD.  We really have seemed to be driving along nicely and then we happened upon a nice little speed bump.  You've got to love speed bumps.  The truth is it's the speed bumps that allow us to slow down, sometimes back up a little, and reevaluate.  Yesterday we hit one of those.  You see, My Love says that we have a great relationship and there are certain things that make it unique and he wants to make sure that those things are preserved in our new dynamic.  One of those things is our playfulness and my sense of humor.  I have a very sarcastic sense of humor.  To the outsider it can seem abrasive at times, but it's our way and it works for us.  We were having one of our playful moments via text and then My Love sent this..."Alright that's enough name calling!"  I was a little confused because we were playing and I thought maybe he was just joking.  So me being me responded with another sarcastic comment.  To which he replied, "Do you really want to keep pushing it?"  Woah!  Where did that come from?  I was so confused...I thought he liked me being playful and silly.  I thought he liked my sense of humor.  I thought as long as I wasn't being disrespectful it was ok.  And I wasnt' being disrespectful!  So what happened?  I tried to find out, but it didn't go well and My Love said we would discuss it when he got home.  That was like 2 hours away.  So what did I do with my time?  I stewed.  When My Love finally got home and we had a minute to talk he admitted that he was "power tripping" (his words, not mine).  That he had wanted to discuss something important and really only wanted to change topic.  Well as you can imagine that did not sit well with me.  About a week into DD I confessed that I was unsettled with how vulnerable I felt.  It scared me and I asked him to please not abuse my trust in him.  And that is exactly what happened.  I felt betrayed.  I felt abused.  I was surprised at how much it hurt me.  When I looked up I saw his distress.  My Love, strong and dominant, was in distress.  He told me he would understand if I couldn't trust him anymore and if I wanted to end the DD aspect of our relationship.  Before DD I probably would have completely shut down, pouted, and vowed to make him pay for his mistake.  Mistake...that is exactly what it was...a mistake.  I have made them.  I have made alot of them in our relationship and have always been forgiven completely.  I have made them since beginning DD.  I had a choice.  Behave like I always had in the past or embrace my submissive side and forgive him and move forward.  I chose to forgive him.  He never meant to hurt me or take advantage of his position.  Today he told me that he was setting boundaries for himself (something he says he should have done in the beginning) to make sure that it doesn't happen again.  I love him SO much!  I love that he was willing to admit his shortcomings.  I love that he wants me to be safe and happy and trusting.  I love him!  He is and always will be My Love.

We hit a speed bump.  It made us slow down and it made us both safer to move forward,  Isn't that what they're for?

This is me...

I have been married to the most amazing man for over 13 years.  I have known him since I was in middle school where we "dated" for the first time.  He is the only man I have ever loved.  We have 4 great kids who keep us incredibly busy. 

Recently, I approached my DH with the concept of a Domestic Discipline(DD) type relationship and after some assurance from me that this is what I really wanted, he agreed!  We have only been in this for about 3 weeks.  We have had ups and downs as we are adusting to our new roles, but have already seen alot of good changes in our relationship.  You see I have always lead.  I grew up with a "my way or the highway" mentality and didn't leave much room for compromise.  Needless to say this wasn't the best formula for a strong marriage.  Please don't misunderstand me, we did not enter into this to save our dying marriage.  Actually, it's quite the opposite.  Our marriage was good because we have both worked incredibly hard to make it healthy despite all that we have put it through.  We've both made mistakes, but at the end of it all we'd rather be together than apart.  DD is just a tool (one that encompasses our whole life, but a tool nonetheless) we use to make our marriage work better.  It's not for everyone, but sofar it's working for us.  I just told My Love today that DD has allowed me to be who I really am.  Even in the crazy business of our life it gives me a peace and joy I never had before. 

So this is us.  I hope to meet some new people.  Maybe make a few friends and hopefully get lots of advice.