See ya later...

As I said in my last post, around 2 weeks ago, things here at the Smith house are incredibly busy.  Nothing has changed on that front.  We are doing very well and ttwd is allowing our lives to run much smoother.  However, there's just not much time for this blog.  I do try to keep up with everyone's posts, but don't always make it around and don't think I've commented much either.  So I'm taking a break.  I'm not sure if or when I'll return to this blog, but I wanted to let everyone know how much I have appreciated all of your support over the last several months.  You've listened to me ramble and whine and laugh and cry.  You've given advice and sometimes just let me know that I wasn't alone.  For that I will forever be grateful.  Hugs!  And I hope to "see" you around :)

Just Popping In

Hello everyone!  I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day.  I'm sorry I haven't been able to post much lately and unfortunately it will probably not get much better.  We are crazy busy this time of year here at the Smith house.  The weather has finally gotten better and we are running the kids for sports most nights of the week.  Hopefully I'll be able to write soon.  Have a great week!

To Submit or Not

A conversation with a friend has led me to think on this subject. I mean to point no fingers at anyone, but more as a self examination. If it causes you to think about your own relationship, then I am glad to not be alone.

Submission is described by wikipedia as the acknowledgement of the legitimacy of the power of one's superior or superiors. That led me to look up the definition of superiors, which is defined as an individual or position at a higher level in the hierarchy than another (a "subordinate" or "inferior"), and thus closer to the apex. It is often used in business terminology to refer to people who are supervisors and in the military to people who are higher in the chain of command (Superior Officer). Superiors are given, sometimes supreme, authority over others in the control. When an order is given, one must follow that order and obey it or punishment may be issued.

The thing that stood out to me was the word given. The authority that a superior has is given to him/her, it can not be taken. I know that this isn't English class, but I have one more definition. One of the definitions of given is to be bestowed as a gift or presented. 

If you give a gift to someone, can you take it back? If you are given a gift and then later have it held over your head, was it really a gift? I have in the past been given a gift to later realize that it was payment for a deed to be expected later. It left me feeling like I would have rather went back in time and not accepted it. Is that how Daddy feels sometimes? Do I hold my submission as something to be earned and not something I freely give to him? I hope that is not how he feels, but I fear that there are times that is it exactly. 

Submission is not something that I can give and then take away and then give again based on the way I am feeling at that moment. How can he lead that way when he doesn't know from one day to the next if I will be behind him? I must decide the life I want to lead. To submit or not. And if I choose to submit then it must be a gift given once and for all. 

As HOH, the gift of submission that is given to me grants me the ability to control and to give "orders". The ability to give "orders" or tasks, chores, or assignments has become a daily event lately. Each task, chore or assignment is given with the intention to focus Baby Girl's attention on her gift of submission that she gave to me. Sometimes they push her further than she originally wanted to go, and sometimes they are regular things that I ask of her. The act of giving these also is a gift that I give to show my love and devotion to my Baby Girl and TTWD. As with any gift, much thought is put into these before they are given. The gift of being Baby Girl's HOH has given our marriage a new happiness.

Sheet 1 - Daddy 0

So the last few posts I have written have been a bit more serious than I like being on a regular basis.  So I thought I'd give you a glimpse into the lighter side of our life.

Last night, Daddy and I were laying in bed and he was fighting with the sheet.  It had somehow gotten all bunched up and his feet were hanging out.

 

We lay there a few minutes...

and 

I rolled over and in my sweetest voice

"Daddy...are you fighting with the sheets?"

"Yes!"



"Daddy...I think you're losing!"

I giggled for a long time after that...everytime he would kick the sheets.

Self Sabotage

I have so much swirling around in my head and I am desperately trying to get some of it out.  I have no idea where this post will end up or if it will make any sense at all, but I have to get all this stuff out of my brain.

This lifestyle has caused me to learn a lot about myself, most of it not so good.  There are things that have surfaced over the last several months that I desperately wish to change.  They will take time, I know that.    I am rather impatient with myself.  John tends to be more understanding.  He says that I have spent many years dealing with things a certain way and I can't change my way of thinking over night.  It's unfair to him.

I can't seem to get out of my own way.  I have difficulty communicating my needs to him for fear that they will be unmet and then I am frustrated from living with unmet needs, but now also hurt.  I know that if I don't tell him, he won't know, somehow that doesn't make it much easier.  I am trying.  It's usually after-the-fact that I realize that I have once again sabotaged myself.

Bahahaaha!

                                     

I often dwell on the worst possible outcome in situations.  If John is physically or mentally exerting himself during the day, I jump to the conclusion that he will not have anything left for me at the end of the day.  I let my mind run wild.  He doesn't care about me.  Not only am I on the bottom of his priority list, I wonder if I even make the list at all.  By the time I think to do the submissive thing and talk to him about it, it comes out as an accusation rather than a question or statement of my concern.  Why can I not trust that he thinks of me?  Why can I not trust that he cares for me?


 Why can I not just let go?    

I am aware that I am again asking questions that no one has the answers to.  The last while has brought a lot of self reflection and this is the only way I can sort through it all.  I apologize for the rambling and lack of clarity of this post.

Maybe I Just Need Too Much

Maybe this is just related to my control issues.  Not sure really.  Maybe our life is just too busy.  I need a lot of attention on a regular basis and tend to spiral when I don't get it.  I don't usually even realize it right away. It's usually not until things have deteriorated significantly that I look around and can see where I've fallen to. 

 

I've been known to be a bit high strung.  Translated in DD, high maintenance.  I hate that term.  It makes me feel like a car or something.  The other reason I hate that is it makes me needy.  I need John more than I have ever let myself believe or feel.  Have I always needed him?  Sure, to some degree, but I had convinced myself that I could take care of myself.  I was rarely hurt because I had little expectation.  If he paid attention to me it was nice, if not, I was alright.  Now if I don't receive that attention regularly I feel like I'm devastated.  I don't like it.

So what do I do?  How do I need him so desperately, yet not hold that expectation?  That control?  Is the need to control what is causing me so much pain?  Do I just need too much?  More than he is able to give right now?  

  

Controlling the Need to Control

It was finally a nice day.  After months of clouds and snow, the sun was shining so we decided to take the kids to the park to ride their scooters and get some fresh air.  Going to the park always makes me feel like a kid again.
It's not quite warm enough here yet, but I love to walk around barefoot and feel the green grass between my toes and the sunshine on my face.  I can't wait for summer.  It's my favorite time of the year.  To hear the kids laughing and splashing in the pool, feel the sun penetrating deep into my muscles and bones...

Sorry I tend to drift off when I think of summer.  Anyway, we had a nice peaceful walk/ride down the trail through the woods and enjoyed one another and the beautiful weather.

It was on our way home that it hit.  My incessant need to control things.  I never realized how bad it was until we started TTWD.  And I certainly didn't realize how hard a habit it would be to give up.  Okay, okay!  I realize that I was am in denial.

We were listening to satellite radio.  John was controlling the station.  Now we typically listen to similar music and both have somewhat eclectic tastes.  However, John occasionally listens to things that I don't like AT ALL.  I began to tease and poke fun at his choices.  When the song ended he started trolling the stations and I decided to "help" him find a better choice.  Well APPARENTLY that is NOT acceptable.  He immediately became visibly irritated with me and I quickly changed it back so he could continue trolling.  It was too late.

  

When we arrived home I was instructed to go to our room and wait for him.  He came in and sat on the bed opposite me and lectured on my control issues.  Assured me that it was not really about the radio, but about my unwillingness to relinquish control... Initially, I was defensive and tried to make it about the radio.  He continued to discuss my behavior and slowly,I began to see how devastating my actions have been to us.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as that realization settled on me.  He informed me that I would be corrected for it.  He was disappointed that even after such a strenuous spanking that morning, I was still unable or unwilling to fully submit to him.

After the kids are in bed, we will come back here and take care of this.

Already emotionally shaken, I curled up into his arms and laid there for a moment.

Can we do it now?

Are you asking me to spank you now?

Yes.  Please.  I'm so sorry I disappointed you and don't want to wait.  We can turn on the radio so the kids won't hear.  That phrase just dawned on me as ironic as that damn radio is the reason I was getting spanked! Please. 

Alright.  Get ready and into position.  

I cried through the whole thing.  Not because it hurt (which it did!  It was still sore from that morning's spanking), but because I had disappointed him.  That I had disappointed myself.  That I was destructive to our marriage and what we are trying to build.

My control issues are deeply ingrained in my brain.  I don't know how or if I will ever fully shake them.  They have served me well (ok...maybe not well, but I have managed to protect myself).  I'm sure with John's help I will learn to operate without them.