Losing Control...One Pair of Panties At a Time!

You're home today?

Yes, why?

Pantiless day!












And so it began...

The following morning...

okay so maybe it wasn't THIS bad!

Panties!

Thongs!


And thus the saga continued...











Later that day...

From now on, everyday I will pick out the panties I want you to wear.






So along with taking control, he took my panties!


I'd love to complain, but truth is, I find it extremely hot!

Topping From the Bottom...Or Trying To!

I KNOW!  This is not a subject that is very popular among DD wives.  We all like to think of ourselves as the perfect little submissive wife, always loving and kind, serving with joy, and quick to obey.  

 

I do LOVE this quote

Okay!  Now that we got THAT load of crap piece of business out of the way...here's what really happens over here at the Smith residence.

We have been practicing ttwd for a little over 4 months.  It has been a tough road at times.  Last week I did a post expressing the frustration I was feeling.  John and I have also been talking about my need to 'feel' submissive to him.  We discussed things that he could do to help me with that.  One of the ideas was for him to create submissive exercises for me.  I We also came up with tasks that he could require such as pantiless days, or wearing lingerie under clothing to work, etc.  We had a nice little list to pick from.  

So Tuesday, HE decided that that I should participate in an exercise.  

Problem is HE did not check with ME before he went 'Off List'!  How could he do that?  I mean I understand that he can make whatever decisions he wants and he doesn't need my permission, BUT at the risk of being politically incorrect...HE NEVER HAS!  While I did want a submission exercise, I wanted something off the list.  So I stomped my feet a bit and mouthed off a bit and just carried a bit of an attitude.  

My exercise was to share a sexual fantasy.  

The problem with this exercise is that I DIDN'T LIKE IT!  Ok...that wasn't the only reason.  I have hidden away any and all sexual fantasies in the deep recesses of my mind.  I had convinced myself that they were bad and ugly and that they were never to be revealed.  I was sick.  I didn't want to let him down, but it was a betrayal of everything I knew to share this part of myself with him.  What if he thought it was too weird?  What if he couldn't look at me the same way again?  What if he realizes that I'm not exactly the person he married?  I realize that some of these are unfounded, but my heart was speaking much louder than my brain.

After some thought (and gentle encouragement from some friends) 

I realized that my HOH was growing and that I had to submit and complete the task he had given me.  John allowed two weeks to complete this task as it was something he knew would be difficult for me.  After some serious thought (and more encouragement from friends...what would I ever do without you all!) I decided that I wouldn't wait til the last minute like I wanted and I wouldn't take the easy way out of the task either.  I would do it soon and I would put my whole heart into his request.  

Yesterday My Love was pushing my submissive buttons.  We headed off to bed for some play time :)  While I was still bathing in the afterglow, I gathered all my courage and I told him my most prominent fantasy.  The one that I remember having in degrees from my childhood.  Okay...ready?

Here we go....

Deep Breath!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Did you really think that if I kept something buried for over 15 years and struggled to share with my husband, my lover, my protector, my very best friend, my HOH that I was going to put it out there for the whole world!  My someday...but today is NOT that day.  I am not that brave yet!

Anyway...back to my story.  I revealed to him my greatest sexual desire.  He didn't freak.  He didn't run.  He just listened and got turned on!  So we moved on to extra innings, overtime, whatever you want to call it.  I felt so safe and loved.  He cared enough, loved enough, to push me out of my comfort zone in order to find out more about me, the real me.  Even more amazing to me was that he found out the real me and loved me anyway.  When I asked him what his thoughts were he responded, "You've been holding out on me!  I always knew you were a closet freak, but you've got boxes in there I didn't even know about!" 

I was off of work today.  I always love my day off.  I get to really catch up with friends, housework, friends, laundry, friends.  I text John as I do every morning when I wake up.  We chatted for a while then he said, you're home today, right?

yes....why?

Good!  Pantiless day!

What? but...we agreed that I would be given a little break because that was such a hard task for me and I completed it ahead of time!

No...you said that.  And this isn't anything hard like that

But...baby...

We could make it a no pants day as well if you like

No...no...

And with that I sent him a pic of my panties to prove that I had done it.

 

 We continued to text throughout the day and then it happened...the thing I knew would catch me eventually.  I used to pretend to be the 'good' one.  I was the 'innocent' one.  Now that I had revealed so much to him, how could I ever pick up that rouse again?  I struggled to wrap my brain around it all and I let John know that I was struggling.  His next text to me spoke volumes!  

You are still my sweet girl :)

It was simple, but exactly what I needed.  It showed me that my husband wasn't the same man he was 6 months ago.  He was my HOH.  He was in control.  What he requires may be uncomfortable and take me places I don't really want to go, but it is to make us better.  It is to strengthen the bond between us.  And when I am unsure, his voice and his guidance is all I need.  

Submit Button

So this button got raves in my last post.  Many of you thought it was a great idea to have one.  It got me thinking.  You can stop laughing now, as I'm WELL aware of how dangerous that can be. We all have "buttons".  Some that trigger anger, frustration, irritation, memories (some good, some bad).  

We also have submission "buttons".  Those little things that our HOH's do that bring out our submissive nature.  Not the mere acts, but the submission that occurs on the heart level.  

As many of you know, John hasn't been feeling so well lately.  We have been discussing little (or big for when he's feeling well) things that he can do to help me feel more submissive and him more Dominant.  Last night he was feeling better and decided to try out a few things.  WOW!  That's all I can say.  He started pushing buttons very early in the day and just continued to build on it.  By the time we were ready to sleep, I was a giggly mess!  

Against the normal format of this blog, where I just rant about what's happening/not happening in our life, I'm asking you the readers to clue me in on you "buttons".  What makes YOU feel submissive?  So come on!  Don't be shy!  Even if you've never commented here before, make an exception just this once.  

Submission Vacation???

My submission seems to be on vacation.

Looks like fun, huh?

Oh who I am kidding?  I don't think she ever really moved in.  It's more like a sweet friend who came to visit.  

She looks so peaceful, doesn't she?

She came in and unpacked all of her things:

I love that he's fully clothed and she is so vulnerable and the look of ecstasy on her face.

and

She just seems so happy to be taking care of her man!

and

She gazes adoringly into his eyes...

and even some of this

submitting to his will and trusting that he knows what's best.

Unfortunately, her stay was only short lived

and she left this chic behind

Okay, I have this shoe obsession and these just look sassy and in charge!

She didn't take everything with her when she left.  She left me with the motions of submission, but the spirit of it she seems to have taken.  On the outside I am still submissive.  I still take care of My Love, I still kneel in front of him and do other things that appear submissive, but inside I look a bit like this guy

NO!  It's not what you think!  Let me explain...he has his horns, but he's not about to charge (yet).  He seems a bit aloof and unaffected, distracted maybe.  He still has the potential to be dangerous, but at the moment is just assessing the situation. 

Maybe I need something that looks a bit more like this

That looks painful!

Maybe it would be easier if I had one of these

Caution: Rapids Ahead

I need a sign.  Something that lets me know what is coming around the next corner so that I can prepare.

Ok...so truth is the signs were all there.  In the last two weeks both of our cars had broken down.  One is going to be out of commission for a while, the other was an easier fix, but still took time out of our already busy schedule.  I had awoken (or not!) in a grumpy state and spouted off at mentioned to John something about needing to get out of bed and go to work and may have also mentioned something to the effect that he was really irritating me.  He got up, kissed me and left for work.  When I finally woke up, I felt bad and text My Love to apologize for being hateful a little less than pleasant.  He thanked me for the apology and said that we'd deal with it later.

We had the night to ourselves.  The kids were with Grandma for the night.  As great as that sounds, we had to go car shopping.  Not the fun kind of car shopping, the I need a car YESTERDAY kind of shopping.  It's a mad dash to find a car that both suits our needs and my wants ;)

I had mentioned to a fellow blogger friend that these times never seem to end well.  John and I had discussed resetting us as soon as the kids left and before beginning our car shopping, but it didn't happen that way.  So off to shop.  I was upset...I was disappointed...I was distancing a little.  I was getting irritated over the stupidest things.  We were both tired and it was creating the atmosphere for the perfect storm.

I have talked some about my husband's illness.  I don't want this blog to turn into something totally focused on that, as we try not to let it run our life.  That, however, was also in play this weekend.  This issue is heightened by stress and lack of sleep and we were facing both.

We went about our search for a car and even stopped for dinner, but the looming "discussion" hung out in the back of my mind.  This made me a real peach.  By the time we got home John was exhausted and was also in a lot of pain...so once again...no "discussion".

The next morning was just more of the same.  Silence.  No touching, no communication, no connection.   We got ready and headed out again to find the perfect car for us.  We did find a car.  It wasn't what I would've have bought if I was on my own...it was BETTER!  John insisted that I get it.

Unfortunately, John has been suffering a flare up and we still have not had our "discussion".  TTWD is kind of in the background for now.  We are just trying to get through this flare up.  I am trying to maintain my submission, but with the stress of his illness, our cars, sick children it is proving difficult.  Hopefully, things will settle down a bit soon.

I'll take that over fair any day

That was Sunday.  We were supposed to talk, but we didn't.  I tried a few times to break the ice that seemed to be thickening between us.  It was futile.  How many times could I put myself out there only to be rejected.  I was in a pretty bad place.  I went to bed alone Sunday night.  Oh he was there, in the same bed, but I was very much alone. 

At 5am the alarm sounded and John got up and started getting ready for work.  I lay there on my side of the bed unsure of what to hope for.  John always kisses me before he leaves in the morning.  Part of me hoped he would, that there was a small kink in his armor.  Part of me didn't know if I could stand to be so close to him, yet so far away.  As I lay there, a war raging in my soul, John approached me, bent down and kissed my forehead, and said he loved me.  Just as I had feared the proximity overwhelmed me.  I tried to hold it back. I tried to not let him see, but as the dam gave way a flood of tears and emotion crashed around me.  

He came back.  I pushed him away.  I couldn't bear for him to see what this had done to me.  He didn't relent.  He hugged me tightly, and apologized.  I could feel the change immediately.  The ice that had been such a solid force was breaking apart.  

We talked via text most of that day.  We talked that night about everything that had happened.  I worked up the courage to ask for a spanking.  He had shut down, but that was not an excuse for my behavior.  I had gotten angry, said some things that I wouldn't have even said before ttwd.  

We have been talking a lot about fairness recently.  Does it even have a place in ttwd?  Does it have a place in our marriage?  So far, what we have come up with is NO...it doesn't.  Is it fair that I am spanked for shutting down and he is not...no.  Is it fair that he has to carry the burden of making the final decision on things that affect our entire family...no.  Our marriage and our version of ttwd is not fair.  He will not make decisions based on what is fair, but what is effective, what is best for our marriage and our family.  While the decision may not be fair to either individual it will be what is best.

So he agreed and we cleared the air in the way that we had agreed upon.  Was it fair that I was spanked for behaviors that resulted from his actions...maybe not, but it is what was best for our marriage.  We are back to ourselves, our intimacy and closeness has been restored.  And I'll take that over fair any day of the week!

Problem is...he didn't tell me

*WARNING*  This blog post is the rantings of a PMSing, overextended, emotionally drained woman.  Though I do try to find humor in things, not sure it will happen and I intend to rant and cry and scream and just get it all out here.  Not sure if this will ever actually make it the blog.  You have been warned!

John and I are...well to be honest I don't really know what we are.  We have had some things happen this week that has added unwanted stress to our lives.  The main thing is that my car broke down this week.  For a bit of background I will tell you that we have had the WORST luck with vehicles over the last 2 yrs.  Prior to my car breaking down, we had discussed (very loosely) the possibility of buying a new car.  So when my car broke down AGAIN! I made a phone call to our bank to find out what the interest rate would be, etc.  The rate seemed high and so I asked my sister (who had just bought a car) what her rate was.  I then made a call to her bank to see what their current rates were.  I thought that I was helping.  I thought that this would take some stress off of John.  I thought that I would gather information and we would then talk about our options, being more informed.  John did not see it this way.  He was upset that I had not consulted him before making the phone calls.  Only problem is...he didn't tell me he was upset about it.

When I got home from work John was sitting on the couch.  I sat at his feet for a few minutes just talking about his day.  Then I said I had to go make dinner and he said he would shower.  Well John is...well he is SLOW!  I have always said that the man has two speeds...slow and slower!  By the time dinner was ready he still had not gotten into the shower.  Cue PMS, dieting, angry crazy woman... I was hungry.  I usually wait and eat with John, but I was mad!  He had plenty of time to get showered and HE chose to piddle around and I made sure he knew I wasn't happy.  I went back downstairs and made my plate and ate dinner.
Well John was upset that I had reacted that way.  Only problem is...he didn't tell me he was upset about it.

So that night we had a laundry list of things that needed to be discussed, things about our kids, the car, and last on the list was ttwd.  It was a lot to try to tackle in one night.  When we got to the issue of the car something was said that upset me and I recoiled (neither of us even really know what happened).  He got upset with me and said "So this is how it's going to be again".  And that was it .  He shut down.  I tried to get him to talk to me several times that evening, but it was too late.

The next day was even worse.  As we tried to communicate via text, things only escalated.  At one point I actually said "F*ck you!"  Not good...I know.  He said that we needed to talk that night...but it never happened.  We went to bed.

I woke up early Saturday morning.  I just couldn't sleep.  I chatted with a fellow blogger who encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone to try to make things better.  I balked at the mere thought.  But she persuaded me to at least try.  I agreed to try.  Midway through my "attempt" I began to cry.  I just couldn't take it and I moved away from him.  He came to me and we did the one thing we seem to always be able to get right.  

Were our issues still there...yes!  Did we still need to communicate...yes!  But it allowed the hardened exterior to crack a bit.

So we went about our day...Actually I got spanked twice (nothing major and over clothing) for eye rolling!  Apparently that is not acceptable behavior!  We had a great day actually.  We had lots of family time.  John and I were playful and happy.  I got several playful swats in the kitchen and once was even pounced on as he lay in wait for me as I came down the stairs.

Then it was time to talk again.  The kids were in bed and we were alone.  Well to say the least, it did not go well.  John after days of brewing proceeded to inform me of all the things that he was not happy about.  My attitude when he was not ready for dinner, that I had reverted back to old behavior regarding the car, that I didn't take care of him like I did in the beginning.  I felt attacked.  I felt like I had really messed up and that I would never figure this out.  Then he said that we would finish our conversation the following day.  The hurt and frustration soon morphed into anger as I felt as though I was being left to bleed out all alone.  And so that is where we are...  We are to talk a little later today...